


Handle With Care

by Gandalf_the_Grace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger Management, Child Abuse, Christmas Fluff, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Multiple Personalities, Panic Attacks, Panicking Castiel, Panicking Dean, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Verbal Abuse, psychiatric ward
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-07-11 13:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 72,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7053004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gandalf_the_Grace/pseuds/Gandalf_the_Grace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak meet in a psychiatric hospital after Dean is involuntarily committed, they're in a bit of an awkward situation but are drawn to each other because they are equally damaged and possibly a little bored.  Castiel struggles with multiple personalities and has a complicated past, Dean has an array of issues related to anger management and can't keep bottling everything up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there reader,
> 
> this little story of mine is based on an RP that I had with a friend a long while back that we never really got around to finishing. So, here is a highly edited, probably not very accurate, fanfic. 
> 
> There are some pretty heavy themes in this story and I've tried to tag everything but if I've missed something let me know and I'll add it. However, here is an extra warning for y'all; Dean's life was/is pretty crap and some of the interactions and conversations had between the characters can get pretty intense. Don't worry, though, there will be an equal amount of fluff and feel good subjects covered. 
> 
> I'll be posting a new chapter every Monday so there won't be any long, agonising waits.
> 
> That's all I have to say at the moment, thank you for reading and I do hope everyone feels welcome to leave comments, complaints and compliments. 
> 
> Gandalf out.

There was an unusual amount of activity coming from down the hallway and naturally Castiel Novak was eager to see what was going on. Some other patients had crowded around to witness the commotion; some were intently watching whilst others glanced over before moving on quickly. Castiel watched as a man was dragged to the nurse’s station at the entrance of Portsmouth Psychiatric Hospital, he wore jeans and an old, beat up, leather jacket. He was a sight to behold, tall and strong with a face so feminine it only made him that more handsome. Dean Winchester was fighting against the large orderlies but they managed to keep a strong grip on him, pinning him against a wall.  
“Get your fucking hands off me,” the new arrival yelled.  
“Why don’t you settle down?” one of the orderlies, Benny, commanded whilst wrenching at the cuffs around Dean’s wrists. Castiel shuffled in front of some other patients and nudged his friend, Balthazar.  
“Why can’t every new arrival be this exciting?” Castiel asked.  
“They’re not usually this public,” Balthazar replied.  
“Why make this one such a show then?” Castiel mussed, he knew that Balthazar probably had the answer, he’d been locked in here since he was a teenager.   
“He’s probably come straight from the hospital in town,” Balthazar answered. Castiel grunted in reply and watch as events unfolded, he was grateful for the break in his daily monotony and was not appreciative of the nurse that was trying to herd the gathered onlookers back down the hallway further. When Castiel was asked to move along he simply ignored the request and stared at this curiosity of a man.

Dean wrestled with the men that tried to hold him still, he kicked at them but even that didn’t have much of an effect as his boots had been confiscated.  
“Will you get away from me?” Dean growled, trying to wriggle away.   
“As soon as you calm down,” Benny replied sternly. Dean looked Benny in the eye, then noticing a sea of faces staring right at him. These people were interested in him and he had no idea why, Dean swivelled his head around and a mop of black hair that instantly caught his attention. This man Dean saw was all sharp features and had startling blue eyes that seemed to pierce right through him. Castiel saw the new arrival looking at him and tilted his head, scrutinising the man, he bit his lip and raised an eyebrow. There was a not so small voice at the back of his head that had instantly become attracted to this new patient, Castiel ignored it for the most part but couldn’t help agreeing with the voice. A new face would be a nice change but Castiel had seen all he could, so he returned to the common room and took up his usual seat on the plastic wrapped couch. He watched the day pass by him, never shaking his fascination with the new arrival.

Dean watch as the lookie loos dispersed, glad that he was no longer the centre of everyone’s attention. He forced himself to calm down a little and drew in a deep breath.  
“There, I’ve settled, can you get your hands off me now?” Dean asked Benny gruffly, the orderly complied but stayed close, too close for Dean’s comfort but at least he was no longer being man handled.   
“You need to sign these, hon,” a nurse behind the desk said to Dean, handing over admission papers.  
“I don’t need to sign anything, lady,” Dean hissed in reply.  
“Give ‘em here, Ellen, he’s an involuntary admission,” Benny informed the nurse, he took up a pen and filed in the paper work, handing back the clip board when he was done. Once the nurse was satisfied she entered the information into her computer and printed out a wrist band for Dean to wear.  
“Alright, Mr Winchester, hold out your hand,” Ellen said, holding out the band, it was bright red and looked sturdy enough. Dean must have hesitated a little too long because Benny grabbed his arm and held his hands across the counter. Ellen wrapped the band around Dean’s wrist and secured it.  
“Key, please,” the nurse said to Benny, “these need to come off,” she explained, tapping the handcuffs. Benny produced the key and handed it over to Ellen, who unlocked the metal from Dean’s wrist and gave him a reassuring smile.   
“Okay, everything is sorted here, he’s right to go for his medical now,” Ellen said to Benny, who nodded and lead Dean away.

Benny escorted Dean a fair ways down the hallway and stopped at a door marked Medical Bay, he used a swipe card to open it and practically shoved Dean into an examination room on his immediate right. There was already another nurse there, organising the things she needed.  
“Hi there, new arrival,” the young blonde asked Benny.  
“Yep, be careful with this one,” the orderly warned.  
“Always,” the nurse turned to Dean and smiled broadly, “I’m Jo, just relax and this will be over in a jiffy,”  
“I’m Dean,” the new arrival replied, winking at her. Jo ignored the gesture and went about checking over Dean, his blood pressure was fine and joints all in working order, his eyes and ears were also fine, but his heart rate was a too high. The nurse put that down to nervousness and stress, making note of it. There weren’t any pressing medical issues that Jo could find, any physical ones anyway.   
“I give you a clean bill of health,” Jo said, writing on a clip board, “try to relax a little and drink plenty of water,” she left the room at that, leaving Dean with the imposing orderly that held out a pile of soft, grey, clothes to him.  
“Here, put these on,” Benny said, dumping the clothes into Dean’s arms.  
“Do I really have to wear pyjamas?” Dean asked, arching an eyebrow.  
“Yes,” Benny answered.  
“Fine,” Dean grumbled, changing into them quickly, they were quite comfortable, admittedly. Dean grudgingly surrendered his own clothes, which were placed in a brown paper bag and labelled, Benny also made him remove his bracelets and the pendant that he wore around his neck, all of which were placed in a separate plastic bag.  
“The ring too,” Benny said when he noticed Dean fiddling with it, causing the new arrival to jump at the thought of parting with it.  
“Can I keep it, it’s not like I can do much damage with it?” Dean asked, his voice steady but his knuckles cracked, his body preparing itself for an attack that wouldn’t come. The orderly thought for a moment and agreed, smiling a little when Dean relaxed.

Castiel was settled on the couch, feet tucked underneath his body, he was studying the ceiling when someone decided to turn the radio on.  
“Not the elevator music, please,” Castiel whined but his complaint fell on deaf ears. He did perk up, however, when he saw the new patient entering the common room. Dean was met with weary eyes and quiet whispers, he walked to a chair in the far corner and ignored the attention.   
“What are you in for?” Castiel asked as Dean passed by him. Dean stopped midstep and stared at the black haired man, his green eyes a storm of frustration.   
“Why don’t you mind your own business?” Dean hissed.  
“I was gonna offer you a seat, but now you can go fuck yourself,” Castiel squinted at the other man. Dean shrugged and moved on, not caring a single bit what that dickhead had to say. He sat, his back facing the wall, and observed the room. Castiel huffed and laid down so that his head was dangling off the couch, he had a nice view of the new comer’s legs and enjoyed it. He saw that Dean was ignoring the room and staring at his hands, picking at his finger nails. He was a curiosity and Castiel now endeavoured to solve this mystery. Castiel jumped to his feet when a red haired woman came into view, a nurse that he’d grown familiar with over his time at the hospital.  
“Charlie!” Castiel exclaimed, marching over the meet her, she was a petit woman with a bright smile.  
“Hey, Cas, what’s up?” Charlie asked, touching Castiel’s shoulder briefly.  
“Much of the same,” Castiel answered.  
“Not getting into too much trouble?” Charlie laughed.  
“Never, “ Castiel proclaimed before leaning in so he could whisper to the nurse, “Charlie, who’s the new guy?”  
“Oh, him, that’s Dean Winchester. Quite an interesting case I hear,” Charlie answered, Castiel smiled his thanks and practically pranced over to where Dean sat.  
“Hello, Dean, I’m Castiel. It’s not really a pleasure to meet you,” Castiel said cheerfully.  
“The feeling’s mutual,” Dean clenched his fists and sprang to his feet in a panic, a panic that had no source. He looked around frantically, getting the feeling that he might get crash tackled. He focused on the radio, listening to the repetitive music before switching the damned thing off, the music making him feel nauseous. Naturally, there were objection from the other patients but he just turned around and glared them into silence.

Castiel kept his eyes on Dean, his behaviour was strange to say the least, but then again, they were in a strange place.   
“I’m sorry about before, you don’t need that shit on your first day,” Castiel said to Dean, sitting back on the couch and patting the spot beside him.  
“Don’t sweat it,” Dean replied curtly, leaving the common room. This unfounded wariness was frustrating him, but he concluded that being in an unfamiliar place against his will was grounds enough for it. He need to get out there, he didn’t belong in this nut house. Dean bumped into a nurse in the hallway, only stopping because she was in his way.  
“And where are you off to, hon?” she asked.  
“I need to get out of here,” Dean replied gruffly.  
“I can take you to your room if you like,” she offered kindly.  
“No, I need to get out of this place,” Dean said as he barged past her and headed to the nearest exit. He found one quickly enough but when he tried to open the door it wouldn’t budge. Dean slammed his whole weight into it several times but still nothing, all the while the panic at the back of his mind was growing.   
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dean screamed as he punched into the wood, over and over again until his knuckles bled. He settled down after a minute or two, pressing his forehead into the door and heaved in air.  
“What the hell is happening to me?” Dean asked himself, he had no idea how he’d managed to get himself into this mess, he was swallowed up by memories that he’d rather not have and barely noticed the figure approaching him.  
“What going on down here?” Benny called, running towards Dean, having heard the commotion for wherever he was beforehand. Benny pulled out his radio and requested for further assistance from other staff when he saw the state of Dean, they were quick to arrive on the scene but held back.  
“Alright there, Dean, what wrong?” Benny asked, creeping closer.  
“I need to get out of this place, now!” Dean yelled at the older man.  
“I can’t let you do that, kiddo,” Benny replied, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean faced the orderly squarely, shaking his hand off.  
“Settle down or I’m gonna have to put you in segregation,” Benny warned, holding his hand out in an attempt to calm the patient. Dean looked over at the team of staff that waited for him to fuck up, giving them an excuse to drug him up and throw him in a cell.   
“Look, doctors don’t usually meet with their patients on the first day but if you want I can take you to see yours,” Benny offered by way of distraction, he’d dealt with countless volatile patients and knew that this was the best way to talk them down, give them an out and they would usually comply. Dean thought about the offer and nodded, he wasn’t in the mood for being locked in isolation even though he would have been perfectly fine with fighting his way through the support team. Benny smiled softly and gestured for Dean to following him, he kept his hands off the man and stayed two paces in front of him.

Dean was lead to a door marked Dr F Crowley, Head of Psychiatry, Benny knocked on the door and explained the situation to Doctor Crowley before leaving Dean.  
“Mr Winchester,” Doctor Crowley said, “take a seat,” he indicated to a chair opposite his desk. Dean sat heavily and almost groaned at how uncomfortable it was. He looked around at the bookcases and various awards and degrees that hung on the walls.  
“Ordinarily, you would have been given a couple more days to assimilate yourself but Benny tells me that we should ignore standard procedure here,” Doctor Crowley stated, “that being said, I have already read through your police reports and the report from the on call psychiatrist at the emergency room. It’s all very interesting,” the doctor remarked.   
“I don’t need to be here,” Dean retorted.  
“It’s better you were admitted here instead of put in prison, here you can get some help,”  
“I’d rather be in prison to be completely honest,” Dean said, fiddling with the ring that sat on his finger.   
“I’m Doctor Crowley,” the older man said, pursing his lips, “I’ll be on of your primary therapists, I’m in charge of your overall welfare and as such I’d like to start medicating you for bipolar and insomnia,”  
“Dope me up, you mean,” Dean interjected.  
“The doctor you saw at the hospital has indicated that these should be our main areas of concern for the time being,” Doctor Crowley continued, ignoring the interruption.   
“How long?” Dean asked abruptly.  
“Excuse me?” the doctor looked up at his patient.  
“How long are you going to keep me here?”  
“You’ve been placed in our care by a judge for an undetermined amount of time, but if you agree to take medication and submit to therapy, then four months at the least,” Doctor Crowley answered.   
“No,” Dean said bluntly, “I don’t agree, I will not let you fry my brain up like and omelette,” he sat forward in the chair and cracked his knuckles.  
“You’ll be here longer than,” the doctor sighed as he browed over Dean’s file, “based on these initial notes you’ve probably got more than bipolar. I want to medicate you for your anger management issues and violent tendencies so that you might no longer be a danger to my staff,” the doctor looked straight at Dean and made it clear that he’d noticed his bloodied hands.  
“Are you just gonna make me brain dead or will there actually be any therapy in our little chats?” Dean asked, being snarky was his first line of defence, breaking the dick’s nose would be his second.  
“Of course there will be, Dean,” Doctor Crowley answered, moving to the front of his desk so that there was nothing between him and his patient, “I’m just trying to get it through your thick head that you are a danger to my staff and other patients. We need to take precautions before you snap and medication is one of them,” the doctor stated.

Dean felt the anger rising in him, anger mixed with fear, and he knew that that was a very bad combination. He felt his arms twitching and his hands shaking. Dean didn’t even register it when he sprang to his feet and sent a single, solid, punch into Doctor Crowley’s nose.  
“I’ll show you snapping, Crowley,” Dean said, stepping back. Doctor Crowley himself clutched at his nose, groaning as blood spilled through his fingers. He didn’t hesitate to click the panic button that sat on his desk, sending for assistance. Dean back away from the team of orderlies that rushed into the office, he was being forced into a corner and that only made things worse in his mind. He was threatened, reacting in the only way his body knew how, he threw the first punch into the nearest person and followed up with a wild kick to the next. There was a fairly large struggle, a little bit of blood and a lot of swearing. Dean put up such a fight that additional staff had to be called, along with a nurse armed with a syringe full of a strong sedative. Dean felt the prick in his thigh and kicked out as his energy started to drain from him.   
“This place will be nothing compared to the hell I’ve lived in,” Dean slurred at Doctor Crowley as he was dragged away. The doctor shook his head and closed the door to his office, he repositioned a chair that was knocked over in the scuffle and sat at his desk with tissues pressed against his face. He wrote out his notes for his session with Dean Winchester, the boy was violent, yet, somehow scared out of his wits. He could be a tough nut to crack but Doctor Crowley always like a challenge.

Dean struggled against the hands that held him down to a bed, the sedative hadn’t taken hold but he felt weak and limp. He limbs were pinned down and restrained, there were so many hands on him that he couldn’t keep how many people were there straight. Dean fought and wriggled and bucked but his efforts had little effect. All of a sudden the hands were gone, leaving him alone in the dark room with only the screaming in his head for company. Dean was so groggy and numb, everything felt heavy, his tongue wouldn’t move and his mouth was dry. He tried to stay awake but was forced into a fitful sleep. He had terrible nightmares, ones that made him break out in cold sweats.

Castel spent most of that evening thinking about Dean Winchester, the curious new arrival. He didn’t particularly want to lose sleep over the man but the voices at the back of his head kept nattering on. They urged him to lust over Dean and soon enough he was listening to them. For so long Castiel had managed to keep the voices at bay and for even longer he had kept them from possession his body. And yet, he was now willingly listening to them, a development that unnerved him. It wasn’t normal for him to agree with them and it certainly wasn’t helpful.

 

 

oOo

 

 

Castiel had heard about what happened with Dean and Doctor Crowley the next morning, he didn’t know why but he decided to hang around the segregation area after breakfast. He sat crossed legged outside of the room that they had put Dean in and questioned his motives, perhaps it was boredom or maybe he wasn’t in as much control as he thought he was.   
“What are you doing down there, hon?” Ellen asked as she walked past, breaking Castiel from his thoughts.  
“Just sitting,” Castiel replied quietly, looking up at Ellen with a slight smile. The nurse peered into the room and saw the unconscious form of Dean Winchester. She sighed a little and sat next to Castiel.  
“Cas, why are you sitting here?” Ellen asked.  
“I heard he hit Crowley,” Castiel answered.  
“He did, yeah, broke his nose,” Ellen replied, “that doesn’t explain why you’re here, you could be in art therapy or the common room,”  
“I’m not entirely sure, honestly, I want to be his friend I think,” Castiel said.  
“Castiel, sweetie, I’m glad you’re willing to make friends but he’s been here less than two days and has already caused enough trouble to get him sent to the maximum security unit. He’s dangerous, Cas, you might want to steer clear a little,” Ellen explained.  
“I can handle myself,” Castiel frowned.  
“I’m sure you can but there’s no point waiting here, he’ll be in there for a few more days to calm down,”  
“I’ll wait as long as I want to, I’ll be fine,”  
“Alright, hon,” Ellen said, standing up, “just don’t forget your session with Doctor Shurley,” she left then, needing to go about her duties. Castiel looked around for a clock and waited until he was exactly five minutes late before walking to his doctor’s office.

Dean woke up afresh in a white room with soft walls, he’d heard chattering in the distance and that pulled him out of the haze of sleep. He tested the restraints he was confined in and didn’t find any slack in them, he was calm but not at ease and the panic was still riling in him but he didn’t let it bother him. He tried to think about the past few days and the events that led him to where he was but the only thing that came to his mind was Castiel’s face. His pitch black hair and frightfully blue eyes, his awkward gracefulness and sharp features were all Dean could think about. Naturally, this confused and worried him, he had more important things to focus on but he was so occupied by the beautiful, gaulish looking, boy that he’d only just met. He didn’t know how long it was before a couple of orderlies came to remove the restraints, they warned that they would go straight back on if he got too rowdy and left him alone. Dean would have been fine with the isolation but his stomach started to grumble and he was forced to roll off the bed. His joints ached and head spun, every muscle protesting the movement, he went to the door and slammed his fist against it, hoping to gain someone’s attention. Dean spied an orderly walking by and called to him through the window in the door.  
“Hey, hey!” Dean yelled. Cole paused and turned around, he wandered over to Dean’s door, sporting a three day stubble. He was obviously exhausted and didn’t want to deal with the boisterous patient.  
“Unless you’re dying or have an appointment with a doctor, I can’t let you out,” Cole said with a yawn.  
“How long am I supposed to sit in here?” Dean sighed.  
“A few days, I week at the most,” Cole answered.  
“And am I meant to starve,” Dean grumbled, “I haven’t eaten in a while,”  
“A nurse will be around soon with something,” Cole said, glancing at his watch, “I have to get back to work,”  
“Fine,” Dean said, watching as the man left. He sat against the wall facing the door and buried his head in his hands, feeling his body starting to shake.  
“How am I going to get out of this one?” Dean asked himself.

Castiel knocked on the open door and stepped inside when Doctor Shurley looked up from his notebook, he was sitting in one of two arm chairs. Castiel trudged in and sat opposite his doctor, plucking at the fabric of his chair.   
“Hey, Cas, how are you going today?” Doctor Shurley asked, placing his notebook down.  
“I’m doing alright, Chuck, but there has been something,” Castiel trailed off.  
“Yeah, what’s that?” Doctor Shurley prompted.  
“They have been very active lately,” Castiel answered, referring to his voices.   
“That’s a little concerning, they have been quiet for a while now,”  
“Yes, I know,” Castiel said, wringing his hands out.  
“What do you think brought this on?” Doctor Shurley asked, eyeing Castiel.   
“I don’t quite know, there’s someone new that we’ve all taken an interest in,” Castiel explained.   
“So I’ve heard, you’ve taken pretty quickly to young Mr Winchester,” Doctor Shurley said.  
“We all have, Clarence wants to be intimate with him, Emmanuel wants to save him,” Castiel trailed off again.  
“And was about you, what do you want?”  
“I want to be his friend,” Castiel answered, pausing before continuing, “I’m not even sure if what I’m feeling is real,”  
“Dean’s a handsome lad, I’m not surprised that Clarence has taken an interest in him, but is he the reason you want to get to you Dean? Is he pressuring you into these feelings?” the young doctor questioned.  
“Not entirely, I mean they’re pushing me to think about him and to talk to him but I find myself agreeing with them,” Castiel confided.   
“Castiel don’t think about what the others want, think about what you want,” Doctor Shurley advised.  
“Yes, I want to be friends with him,” Castiel said after a moment of thought.  
“Then be his friend, on your own terms. Clarence and Emmanuel won’t go away, Cas, but you can manage how prevalent they are,” the doctor said. Castiel nodded, understanding what Chuck had said, for a moment he had to remind himself exactly who he is. ‘Castiel Novak, Castiel Novak, Castiel Novak,’ he thought to himself. It was at the end of his little mantra, however, that Emmanuel decided to pipe up.  
‘You hit Amelia and don’t forget it,’ Emmanuel said at the back of Castiel’s head.

Castiel blinked and sat bolt upright, he grasped at the cross that sat around his neck and breathed heavily.  
“You’re thinking about Amelia, aren’t you?” Doctor Shurley asked, noticing the gesture. Castiel nodded, a guilty expression washing over his face for a second before returning to its grim default. A memory of a woman’s face surfacing in his head, she was clutching a swollen belly and her eyes were red from crying.  
“Cas?” Doctor Shurley said, interrupting Castiel’s thoughts, “you weren’t the one that hit her and you know it. It may have been your hand but it wasn’t you,” the doctor leant forward and looked at Castiel intently.   
“But I felt it, I was there,”  
“That’s the problem with having multiple personalities, Cas, the lines can get blurred sometimes, you of all people know that,”  
“I know, it’s just feels like I’m losing control,”  
“You’re going to be constantly fighting for control and knowing how to fight is the best thing,”  
“Yes, I know,” Castiel paused, “maybe my medication should be adjusted again,”  
“I really want you to fight them, Cas, the medication can only do so much,” Doctor Shurley said.  
“I know, but it’s never as easy as it sounds,”  
“I get that, more than you realise,”  
“May I go?” Castiel asked, needing to get out of the office, out of that conversation.   
“Of course,” Doctor Shurley gestured to the door, Castiel smiled at his doctor and left, making for his room so that he might be alone. There was nothing more taxing for him than taking a trip down memory lane and he wasn’t up for dealing with anyone but himself and the past that haunts him.

Charlie let herself into Dean’s room after Cole told her that he’d be needing to eat, she managed to grab some leftovers from lunch and placed the tray of food down on the bed. Dean looked up at her warily and she gave him a nice smile.  
“This is for,” Castiel said. Dean nodded his thanks and stood to inspect the food.  
“Potato and leek soup?” Dean asked.  
“It’s all that was left over, sorry,” Charlie answered.   
“Its fine, thank you,” Dean picked up the tray and returned to his seat on the floor, shoving the food into his mouth. Charlie hung near the door, ready to leave and lock Dean in just in case something happened.  
“I’m Charlie, by the way,” the nurse said.  
“Nice to meet you,” Dean said, having finished his food quickly and handing the tray back.  
“And you, Dean, how are you coping? Charlie asked, concerned.  
“Despite the circumstances,” Dean gestured to his surroundings, “I’m doing fine,”  
“I’m just making sure, isolation can be a little intense,”  
“Isolation is fine,” Dean shrugged, “being thrown in the loony bin against my will is intense,”  
“Yes, I’m sorry about that, the process can be disorientating,”  
“You don’t say,” Dean rolled his eyes, “do you know how long I’m going to be in here?”  
“At least a few more days, you did hit a doctor,”  
“I’m in a bit of trouble, aren’t I?” Dean sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes.  
“Just a bit, I’ll be back in a few hours to check on you,” Charlie left with a smile, the door locking with a soft click. Dean waited a moment before stretching himself out on the bed, closing his eyes and hesitantly going to sleep.

Charlie passed by Castiel on her way down the hall and gave him a small wave.  
“Hey, Cas,” Charlie said, smiling.  
“Hey, Charlie,” Castiel replied, continuing on his path. He peered into Dean’s room and saw that he was asleep, he sat down opposite and started to meditate a little, reining in the voices. He’d given up on being alone and thought he might try to have an actual conversation with Dean. Dean’s nightmares came quickly and it was his own screams that woke him up not two hours later. He sprang from the bed and paced the room, grumbling. Castiel flinched a little at the scream that came from Dean’s room, he stood and looked through the window.  
“Are you okay?” Castiel asked, tapping on the glass. Dean jumped back at the small voice that came from the door out of nowhere.  
“Do I look bloody okay,” Dean growled.  
“No, not a bit, nightmares?” Castiel shook his head, a worried expression crossing his face.  
“Yeah, bad ones,” Dean took a few deep breaths and nodded.  
“I can relate,” Castiel replied.   
“I’m sure,” Dean laughed softly and leant against the door frame, “so, what brings you to my door?”  
“I was bored and maybe a little concerned,” Castiel answered.  
“Why on earth would you be concerned about me?” Dean asked quizzically.  
“I’m not sure yet,” Castiel replied, “but I kinda like you and wanted to make sure that you were okay,”   
“Why?” Dean looked genuinely confused and glared suspiciously at the black haired man.  
“I don’t know what it is about you but you seem a little nice under the violent tendencies, you’re also pretty cute,” Castiel said, shrugging off the glare.  
“How could you know that?” Dean asked, letting out a snort.   
“Magic,” Castiel intoned sarcastically, “I’m a mutter, sure, but I can still judge a person’s character. I don’t reckon you’re a complete arse,”  
“You’re the first person outside of my brother to say anything remotely nice to me, I thank you for that,” Dean slid down against the door so that he could hide his face.  
“Welcome,” Castiel chuckled.   
“Cas? Why are you here, in this place?” Dean asked, needing a distraction from the tears that threatened to spill over.  
“I put myself in here after an incident at the college I was attending, I’ve been here almost a year now,”  
“That’s quite intrepid, but why would you lock yourself up?”  
“I was worried I’d hurt someone again,” Castiel looked away for a moment, saddened for a second.   
“That’s fair, but you know they might not let you out, right?”  
“I know,” Castiel sighed.

Dean stayed quiet, not knowing how to respond, he just sat there and considered maybe playing ball with the doctors here, just to get out as quickly as possible.   
“I heard about what happened with Crowley, you should ask to see Chuck Shurley instead, he’s more understanding,” Castiel said, filling the silence.  
“I might, I only hit him because I was angry that he was right,” Dean sighed and stood so that he was looking right out of the window, “he was right, and you were right. I’m dangerous, violent, even homicidal,”  
“Crowley is just a dick, full stop,” Castiel frowned, questions about what Dean meant floating around.  
“You’re not wrong,” Dean responded.  
“How come you’re here, Dean?” Castiel asked, he knew that he was walking on ice here but dared to ask. Dean’s gaze turned harsh, he glared at Castiel, his expression that of stone.  
“That’s not something you need to know,” Dean said coldly.  
“Alright,” Castiel frowned, “not everyone is open about why they’re here,”  
“Go away, Castiel, and don’t come back,” Dean moved away from the window. Castiel set his jaw firmly, more than a little disappointed that Dean hadn’t opened up, mostly he was just sad that the other man had told him to stay away.   
“Fine, I’ll see you around,” Castiel left and wandered back to the common room. Dean punched the wall and yelled at himself, how could he even think about making himself so vulnerable. But that wasn’t him, that was the ghost in his head, its voice was as clear as day. He argued with himself and paced around the room, he wanted Castiel to like him, he wanted to let the black haired man in but he couldn’t. Dean couldn’t allow anyone to get too close, he couldn’t allow himself to be seen as weak. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean settles into a routine of unwanted therapy and Castiel bucks up the courage to have an actual conversation with him.

Four days later, Dean was let out of segregation, he had gone pale and the bags under his eyes had gotten worse. He was taken to have a shower and given a clean set of clothes. He was escorted to the cafeteria and made to sit away from the main populous. A tray of food was placed in front of him and was given strict instructions to eat, he turned his nose up at the meal but hunger got the best of him after a split second, he dug into the merger meal eagerly.   
“You should slow down a bit there, Dean,” came Benny’s voice, Dean grunted his reply when the orderly sat across from him.  
“Listen, kid, you’re not going to make your life any easier by playing up, there a places less forgiving than here to be,” Benny explained.  
“My life has never been easy, Benny, but I thank you for the unwanted advice,” Dean answered.  
“I get that you’re bitter about this, trust me, I’ve seen enough people in your situation to last me a life time, but this doesn’t have to be a bad thing,”  
“Could you just leave me alone?” Dean huffed.  
“You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to but sometimes it can be easier than talking with the shrinks,”  
“Sure,”  
“I’m just giving you a heads up,” the orderly replied softly, he got up to leave, “you’ve got group therapy after this, by the way,” he added, marching off. Dean sighed and shook out his hands, he chewed his lip and looked around, taking in his bleak surroundings. Dean stood and discarded his tray when he noticed that a small crowd was diverging to a room across the hall, he followed them into the large meeting room and took up a spare seat. 

Pamela, the counsellor that lead the group therapy sessions, sat on a table at the front of the room, she smiled as the patient entered and waited for everyone to be seated before beginning.  
“Good morning everyone, today we are going to do a little meditation on top of the usual but it seems we have a new addition,” Pamela said, focusing on Dean, “would you like to introduce yourself?”  
“My name is Dean Winchester, I’m an Aquarius, I enjoy sunsets and long walks on the beach,” Dean said, looking up and smirking at Pamela.  
“It’s good to have you here, Dean,” Pamela said, “I’m Pam and I’m sure you’ll learn everyone else’s name soon enough,”  
“I don’t plan on being here for that long,” Dean snarled.  
“Is that your goal then, to leave?” Pamela asked.  
“It is,”  
“At least you have a goal,” the counsellor replied almost sadly, “who would like to share their goals next?” Pamela addressed the group. Castiel, who sat directly opposite Dean, raised his hand, to which Pamela nodded, thanking him for volunteering.  
“Keeping myself alive for another week is my goal,” Castiel stated.  
“That’s good,” Pamela smiled, it was a goal that Castiel set himself every week but it was an appropriate one to have.

For the next little while each person in the group announced their goals for the week, some were questioned and discussed but mostly Pamela agreed with whatever was said. The whole time Dean sat quiet, picking at his finger nails and sucking air in through his teeth, he was pissed about this entire thing. He did steal long glances at Castiel, however, unable to keep his eyes off the man. Once everyone had spoken up, Pamela announced that it was time for self-guided meditation.  
“If you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to. I’ll be around all afternoon is people want to chat afterwards,” Pamela said, getting up to turn on some soothing music. Dean got to his fee within that second and left the meeting room. Castiel hesitated before getting up and leaving also, feeling more inclined to follow Dean than meditate. Dean paced down the halls, not really thinking about where he was going, until he found himself in a room that could only be described as a library, it wasn’t a very good one at that.

“Are you lost?” Castiel asked from behind Dean.  
“Not particularly,” Dean replied, looking up and staring at the black haired man. He edged further amongst the book further, trying to distance himself from the other man. Castiel followed him through the small shelves, absently running his fingers over the spines of books.   
“Do you have a favourite?” Castiel asked, feeling Dean’s eyes fixed on him.   
“Do I look like someone who reads regularly?” Dean said, going to the window and tapping on the grill that covered the glass.   
“No, I guess not,” Castiel shook his head, taking another step towards Dean, noticing him picking at the metal covering, “a few too many patient have tried to break the glass,” he explained.  
“Understandable,” Dean replied. There was a silence between the two, Dean was stiff due to the proximity with another person and Castiel was watching the clenching of Dean’s jaw intently.   
“My brother used to read a lot,” Dean whispered absent mindedly, breaking the silence.  
“Used to?” Castiel asked, tilting his head questioningly. Dean stared out of the window at a dying tree before turning to Castiel.   
“Don’t ask questions that I’m not ready to answer,” Dean said.  
“I get the feeling that you’re not ready to answer any questions,”  
“And I get the feeling that you’re too curious for your own good,”  
“It’s been said,” Castiel admitted, taking another step forward, causing Dean to take a step back.

Dean didn’t know how to continue the conversation so he stayed silent, watching Castiel warily.   
“Do you naturally distrust people?” Castiel asked, picking up on how Dean was standing, somehow feeling the suspicious air he gave off.  
“That’s the tip of the iceberg,”  
“Have you ever trusted anyone in your life?”  
“It’s not something I expose myself to,”  
“You should start, otherwise your time here will feel like peeling off a band aid slowly,”  
“And you’d know all about that,”  
“I would,” Castiel stated, “I don’t know what your deal is and I’m not going to force you to talk to me, but if you need a friend, I’m here,”   
“I appreciate that,” Dean smiled slightly, he shifted awkwardly, looking around for an out. Castiel was standing between him and the door, he couldn’t get away without pretty much inviting Castiel to follow. Castiel picked up that Dean was eyeing the door and stepped aside, pulling a book from the nearest shelf and absently reading it. Dean took the opportunity to slip away, silently thanking Castiel for being intuitive. Dean went in search of some secluded area of the hospital, but soon figured out that there really wasn’t one, he found a smaller common room behind the medical bay and settled himself into the couch. 

Dean was left to sleep on that couch overnight, he did have a room assigned to him but the staff were more willing to leave him be so that he might assimilate. There were hopes that he would become more comfortable with being at the hospital if he was allowed to deal with it in his own way. Charlie and Ellen made the night staff promise not to wake him, they knew that Dean would be better off with undisturbed sleep. They weren’t prepared, however, for him to be screaming through the night. Still, he was left to sleep through his nightmares, which forced him awake in the early hours of the morning. Dean was relieved to wake up in the same place he’d fallen asleep, he rolled himself off the stiff cushions and stretched out. Dean ran a hand through his hair and flattened out his clothes before padding around the cold hallways. It was eerie how quiet the building was with everyone asleep, it did give him the opportunity to explore and familiarise himself without interruption. 

Dean’s quiet tour of the building was halted when Cole rounded the same corner he was, the two men eyed each other for a moment before Cole spoke up.  
“Whatcha doing up, Deano?” Cole asked, taking a step backwards.  
“I couldn’t stay asleep,” Dean answered.  
“Figured as much, my shift just ended but I can take you to the cafeteria if you want, breakfast isn’t too far away,” the orderly offered.  
“Sure, I’m starving,”  
“Alright, follow me,” Cole chuckled, taking the lead. The cafeteria had been locked overnight but Cole used his swipe card to open the double doors, he told Dean he could hang out here and that no one would question it and then left. Dean sat at his usual table to the side and listened to the clattering and chatter coming from the kitchen. He was so lost in himself that he didn’t notice people starting the file in noisily, he retrieved a tray and resumed his seat, pocking at the porridge he’d been served. 

When Castiel arrived at breakfast he instantly spied Dean and decided to sit opposite him with his own meal.  
“You look terrible,” Castiel observed.  
“Speak for yourself,” Dean retorted, looking up at him.   
“I’ll have you know that I’m actually having a good day, so far,” Castiel grinned wryly.  
“Good for you,” Dean said, shifting in his seat, focusing on his food again. There was a long silence, something that Castiel was starting to expect when in Dean’s presence, he was about to speak up when Jo approached and crouched down beside Dean.   
“Morning, Dean, how are you today?” Jo asked cheerfully.  
“I’m good,” Dean lied.  
“Have you been keeping up the water?”  
“As much as I can,”  
“That’s all I ask, now, you’ve been scheduled to see Doctor Crowley after breakfast. As you can imagine he wasn’t satisfied with how your initial session ended,”  
“Was he now?” Dean said, cracking a twisted smile.  
“He’s not one to shy away from a patient in need,” Jo chirped, standing and patting Dean on the shoulder before going about her business.   
“You didn’t ask to change doctors,” Castiel frowned when the nurse had left.   
“I’ll see how it goes for another day or so, he might actually be able to get through this,” Dean said, tapping his head with a knuckle.  
“Why’d you change your mind so quickly?” Castiel questioned.  
“I didn’t have an opinion to change,” Dean replied, “he’s a dick but that doesn’t matter if he can help me,” at least for now he was willing to receive the help.   
“That’s true, I guess. He’ll probably put you on Prozac or Lithium, you know,” Castiel nodded, finishing his food.  
“Yeah, I assumed as much. I’m still not sure whether or not I’m gonna agree to take them though,” Dean stated.  
“It’d be easier for you if you take them without putting up too much of a fight,” Castiel advised.  
“I’ve never been one to take the easy way out, Castiel,” Dean said, picking at the few orange slices he had.   
“I get that feeling, just remember what I said when they start sticking you with needles,” Castiel said bluntly.  
“Sure thing,” Dean rolled his eye a little, standing from the table and leaving the cafeteria.  
“Dean?” Castiel discarded their trays and followed Dean into the hallway.  
“Yes, sorry, I do that sometimes, although you’re the first person to follow me,” Dean said, turning to Castiel, he looked at the nearest clock and frowned.  
“Do you know were Crowley’s office is?” Dean asked.  
“I do,” Castiel nodded, “I’ll show you where to find it, the counselling offices can be a little tricky to find,”  
“Thanks, I think I’m late for my session,”  
“Either way, they’re used to it,” Castiel shrugged, taking Dean’s hand and leading him down the hallway and up a set of stairs. 

After a few twists and turns, Castiel stopped in front of Doctor Crowley’s door.  
“You held my hand,” Dean said, hesitating.  
“And you didn’t let go,” Castiel smirked, releasing Dean’s hand. Dean looked at Castiel sternly, he hadn’t even noticed the gesture, it had felt so natural, like Castiel’s hand was made for holding his. When the black haired man saw the face Dean was making he looked away.  
“Sorry,” Castiel mumbled. Dean knocked on Doctor Crowley’s door and raised an eyebrow at Castiel.   
“Don’t be,” Dean said in such a hushed tone that he doubted the other man heard it. Castiel barley caught what Dean had said, he brushed a hand over his shoulder and said goodbye as Doctor Crowley call for Dean to enter. Dean sighed as he opened the door and stepped into the office. Doctor Crowley was sporting a fair amount of bruising on his face and wore a plaster over his nose but he still managed to look haughty as he gestured for Dean to take a seat.  
“How’s the nose, Crowley,” Dean asked dryly as he sat down.  
“Broken,” Doctor Crowley retorted.  
“Good,” Dean grinned.  
“You’ve got an abnormal problem with authority, don’t you?” the doctor glared at his patient.  
“It’s possible,” Dean shrugged.  
“Have you thought about our last conversation?”  
“Could you refresh my memory?”  
“I’m going to prescribe you medication and you’re going to take it. You’re going to be active in therapy and you’re not going to fight with me or my staff,” Doctor Crowley explained sternly and slowly.  
“Those are a lot of things that I’m going to do,” Dean mused.  
“If you do all of that, you could be out of here with a year,” the older man said. Dean leant forward and fixed his eyes on Doctor Crowley, thinking about his options.  
“Alright,” Dean swallowed, “I’ll play ball but I wasn’t to lowest dosage of whatever it is you’re planning on giving me,”  
“I’ll start you on lithium for the depression and bipolar, also Rozerem for the insomnia,” the older man nodded.  
“Okay,” Dean agreed, “I’ll take them and I’ll try, try mind you, to not fight with the staff,”  
“That would be appreciated,” Doctor Crowley said, sliding a piece of paper across to Dean.  
“What’s this?” Dean asked, leaning in to look at what it was.  
“You’re agreement to taking medication,” Doctor Crowley answered.   
“And if I, perchance, break the agreement?” Dean asked, taking a pen from the tin on the doctor’s desk.  
“Then you’ll be back to square one and you’ll be here longer,”  
“There, now you own my soul,” Dean said blandly as he signed the agreement.  
“Sure,” the older man snorted, “I’ll get your prescription sorted and you’ll start taking them tonight,”  
“Better sooner rather than later,” Dean replied.  
“I’m also considering putting you in a shared room,”  
“Is that safe,” Dean questioned, standing to browse the nearby book shelves.  
“I’ll put you with someone who isn’t too hard to get along with, besides I don’t want you to get too anti-social,”  
“Very well,”  
“I’m afraid our session is over for today, I’ll send details of which room you’ll be in along with your medication this evening,”  
“Fine,” Dean agreed, making to leave the office.  
“And, Dean,” Doctor Crowley called, “if you show any more aggression or act in violence again, I’ll transfer your arse to the maximum security unit,” the doctor warned. Dean nodded and left, not overly satisfied with his most recent session with Doctor Crowley but figured that the doctor had to get the formalities out of the way. 

Castiel sat in the common room, playing checkers with Balthazar, who kept cheating.   
“I know what you’re doing,” Castiel pointed out.  
“And, Cassie, what are you going to do about it?”  
“Will you stop calling me that?” Castiel grunted.  
“Not likely,” Balthazar replied, moving a piece across the board. Castiel sighed in surrender, letting Balthazar win again. He was resetting the board when Dean emerged from the hallway, he went straight for the seat in the furthest corner of the common room and say in it heavily. Castiel saw Dean and abandoned his game, he approached and sat across from Dean.  
“How’d it go?” Castiel asked.  
“Alright, I guess, we talked about medication and I sighed some papers, done and dusted,” Dean answered.  
“You’re unhappy,” Castiel stated, tilting his head.  
“I’m consistently unhappy, Castiel, you’re gonna have to be more specific,” Dean said, staring out of the window beside him, his fingers tapping a rhythm on the arm rest of the chair.  
“About whatever’s going on with you, about your whole situation, all of it,” Castiel said, reaching out to gently touch Dean on his cheek, his fingers dancing over his stubble, “it gets better, adjusting here is hard but it does get better,” he said sincerely.  
“What the fuck are you doing?” Dean growled, his gaze threatening, he grabbed Castiel’s wrist and threw it away. Castiel looked hurt, pouting slightly.  
“I-I…nothing,” Castiel stammered, rushing back to Balthazar and resuming their game. Dean watched the black haired man leave, suspicion rising in him. Why was this man showing him any form of kindness? He thought about what Castiel had said, though, maybe he would adjust to life in this place but then again, he really didn’t want to.

Balthazar grinned when Castiel returned, knowing that he’d have ammunition to tease him with.   
“Lovers quarrel, Cassie?” Balthazar asked.  
“No, we’re not lovers, barely friends,” Castiel grumbled.  
“But you want to get in his pants, right?” Balthazar prodded.  
“Back off, Balthazar,” Castiel hissed.  
“Why, did I hit a nerve?”  
“I swear, Balthazar,” Castiel held up a checker piece threateningly and glared at the other man.  
“Alright, alright,” Balthazar laughed, “I’ll back off,”  
“Thank you, now reset the board and stop cheating,” Castiel said, glancing over a Dean every now and then, saddened that he wouldn’t let him in. Dean stayed in his seat, brooding a little, until he heard a slight ring of a bell indicating that it was time for Dinner. Balthazar had bolted to the cafeteria, leaving Castiel to pack up the game. Dean left the common room and went to wait in line for his meal. Balthazar saw Dean standing alone and left his place in line to slide up behind him.  
“Afternoon,” Balthazar said, eyeing him off.  
“Hello,” Dean replied, shuffling along in the line.  
“Involuntary case?” Balthazar asked, keeping it subtle that he was checking out Dean’s arse.   
“How did you know?” Dean responded, raising an eyebrow.  
“The colour of your wrist band,” Balthazar shrugged, “it’s red, meaning involuntary admittance and high risk. See, mine’s yellow, meaning I’ll probably be here for the rest of my life and everyone else’s are white, they’re normal, run of the mill crazies,” Balthazar explained.  
“You seem to know a lot about this place,”  
“I’ve been here since I was nineteen, you pick things up,”  
“That’s nice to know,” Dean said, not really sure how continue the conversation. He took his food and thanked the server, heading to his table.  
“I’m Balthazar,” the blonde announced.   
“Dean,” Dean replied, shaking the other man’s hand. Dean dug straight into his meal of dry steak and over cooked vegetables, eating so quickly he didn’t notice that blandness. Balthazar had taken the seat next to dean and when Castiel arrived, he sat opposite. Dean found it awkward to sit with them, finishing his meal quickly, leaving the two as soon as he could. He wanted to go get some sleep but had to find someone who knew where his room was first. He went to search of a nurse and found one sitting at the nurse’s station.  
“Could you give me a hand for a sec?” Dean asked the scrawny man at the desk.   
“Sure, what do you need?” the man asked, barley glancing up.  
“I need to find my room, I don’t know if a nurse has been told or what,” Dean answered.  
“I’m a nurse, I’m sure I can help,”  
“You’re a nurse?”  
“I am a nurse, the name’s Ash,”  
“Sorry about that, I’m Dean,”  
“Don’t worry about it, I get it all the time, now, your room is,” Ash trailed off as he tapped away at his keyboard, “alrighty, you’re in room 14. Bunking with Castiel Novak,” Ash said.  
“Thanks, and where am I meant to get my medication?”  
“Anytime, another nurse will come find you in about an hour on their rounds,” Ash explained. Dean smiled and made his way to the library, hoping there’d be less people there.

Castiel in the meanwhile had gotten kicked out of his room and told to be a little sociable that evening, he resorted to moping around the hallways. He didn’t feel like interacting with other people, Clarence and Emmanuel were quite a handful as it was. Dean had found the library easily enough, he saw Castiel at the far end of the hallway and waited for the black haired man to notice him. Castiel saw Dean and frowned, feeling embarrassed about his earlier actions. Dean gestured for Castiel to follow him and entered the library, as expected it was empty aside from a couple of patients reading quietly. Castiel hesitated but followed Dean, perusing the books instead of sitting next to him on a dench he’d found.  
“What?” Castiel asked, looking over at Dean.  
“You need to give me a goddam straight answer here, people aren’t nice to me, people aren’t kind to me, people don’t assume I’m nice. So, what the deal with you, why are you so interested in me?” Dean asked firmly, standing form the bench, giving off a hostile vibe.  
“At risk of sounding like a giddy school girl here,” Castiel said, raising a hand defensively, “I like you, in the not-so-straight type of way, if you catch my drift,” he swallowed and braced himself against a shelf. Dean rushed forward and stopped when he was looming over Castiel, crowding him.  
“You’ve got to be fucking with me right now,” Dean hissed, drawing in a sharp breath, clenching his fists at his sides. This was the first time anyone had ever taken a positive interest in him and he didn’t know how to react. Castiel fought the urge to close eyes, trying to keep his annoying voices silent.   
‘Kiss him,’ Clarence encouraged, ‘you should really kiss him, if you don’t, I will,’ he threatened. Castiel glanced up at Dean’s lips, very tempted to do as Clarence said.  
‘That’s it , lean in, show him how we feel,’ Clarence egged him on. Castiel hated himself but he surged forward and kissed Dean right on his soft, full, lips.   
It was all rough and only lasted a moment before Castiel broke away, his eyes wide with shock. He managed to side step Dean and escape the room. Dean had gone to grab Castiel but his hands started to shake and he couldn’t will himself to move. His legs suddenly gave out, he reached for something to hold him up but slipped to the floor. His breathing was laboured and heavy, he curled up and pressed his palms to his eyes, compelling himself not to panic. He had enjoyed the kiss, as hurried as it was but all he could think of was his father’s demeaning voice in his head.  
‘You’re an abomination,’  
“Stop it,” Dean pleaded.   
‘You will burn in hell for what you are,”  
“You will burn for what you’ve done to me,”  
‘You aren’t even wort the effort of saving,’ that was enough for Dean to break down into ragged sobs made silent by him biting down in his hand. 

Castiel stopped running when he reached the lesser used, smaller, common room behind the medial bay. He sat in the corner and tugged at his hair.   
“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” Castiel yelled, begging for the voices to quieten, only to have them get more insistent.   
‘You want him, and you know it,’ Clarence persuaded, ‘if you’re too afraid, I could take over,’  
“No, I’m not going to let you,” Castiel stated.  
‘It’ll be fine, you’ll be there the whole time,’  
“No, Clarence,”  
‘Then man up, Castiel,’ Clarence always had a way of punching Castiel in the gut with his words and this time was not different.

Dean had stayed where he was until Ellen nudged him with a foot.   
“You alright down there?” the nurse asked, shw was holding a small metal tray.   
“Yes, I’m fine,” Dean said, standing slowly and rubbing his eyes.  
“You don’t look so sure,” Ellen replied, giving him a worried look.  
“I’m sure,” Dean answered shakily.  
“Well, I have your medication,” Ellen announced, holding out the tray, on which say two paper cups, on with two small pills and another with water. Dean raised an eyebrow before picking them up, downing the pills and then the water easily.   
“Lights out in half an hour,” Ellen said, leaving Dean with a smile. 

Charlie had found Castiel curled up in a corner on his own when she came to give him is medication, she managed to sooth him to his feet and lead him back to his room. She gave him his pills and him as he settled on the bed, leaning against the wall with his knees pressed to his chest. Dean had found his room with all of the others, just off one of the main hallways. He entered and saw Castiel sitting on one of the beds, he took up the empty one and looked around the bare room.  
“Sorry,” Castiel managed after an uncomfortable silence.  
“For what?” Dean asked, picking at the calluses on his hands.  
“Kissing you,”  
“You took me off guard but you don’t have to be sorry for it,” Dean replied softly.  
“Do you believe me now, that I like ou?”  
“Yes, I believe you, I’m still confused as to why, though,”  
“That’s the funny thing about attraction, Dean, it’s hard to explain,”  
“I can understand that,” Dean said, yawning, he laid down and tried to comfortable.  
“Are you going to continue to be hostile towards me?” Castiel questioned.  
“I’m hostile towards everyone, Cas, and I’m not used to tenderness, so yes,”  
“Okay,” Castiel said softly.  
“This place sucks,” Dean said into his pillow, pulling attention away from the subject.  
“Sometimes, you’ll get used to it eventually,”  
“There’s no way I’ll let myself get used to it,” Dean mumbled, he took a deep breath as his eyes became too heavy to keep open. 

Dean did sleep for a time before his dream turned sour, he writhed in his bed, tossing and turning, a cold sweat breaking across his skin. He mumbled inaudible words and soon started to scream. Castiel was startled away, he pulled himself out of bed and approached Dean, gently trying to shake him awake when a couple of nurses rushed into the room.  
“What are you doing, Castiel?” Ash asked, pushing past him to get to Dean.  
“Nothing, I swear,” Castiel replied, backing out of the room. Dean couldn’t’ wake himself up, he tossed and cried out.   
“Please, don’t, don’t,” Dean yelled at the monsters he saw. There wasn’t much anyone could do at that moment, Castiel was shooed away and Ash stayed with Dean until he woke up. Dean grasped at the sheets and held them tightly, groaning and crying, his whole body contorting in pain. Ash and Meg had tried to wake him up a couple of time but couldn’t, he was still under the effects of his sedative. They decided to leave him be as he was on no physical danger. Dean woke with a start, breathing heavily and disorientated. He saw Ash sitting beside him and jumped from the bed, a little surprised at his presence. Ash got up and turned on the light, giving Dean a small smile.   
“We heard the screaming, scared the crap out of us,” Ash offered as explanation.  
“Yeah, I can’t quite help that,” Dean said, squinting at the sudden light.  
“Don’t sweat it, you’re not the only screamer here,”  
“I wouldn’t think so,” Dean sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his eye, his shoulder shaking.   
“Good, he’s awake,” Meg said when she stuck her head into the room, “if you wanna take off, Ash, I can handle this,”  
“Sure thing, thanks, Meg,” Ash said, clipping Dean on the shoulder, “it’s the end of my shift, Dean, Meg here’ll take good care of you,” the nurse said, leaving swiftly. Dean nodded and looked up at the small woman who now stood where Ash was.   
“Do you need anything?” Meg asked as she checked Dean over.  
“A bullet to the head would be nice, or a noose,” Dean laughed.  
“Then we’d be down a pretty face,” Meg grinned, shaking her head.  
“And I’ll be out of my misery,” Dean sighed, looking at the door, “what time is it?”  
“Just after three,”  
“Do I have to go back to sleep?”  
“Not if you don’t want to,”  
“Will you be reporting this to Crowley?”  
“Do you want me to?”  
“Yes,” Dean answered after a second of thought, “he should know,”  
“Alright, I’ll tell him,” Meg agreed. Dean nodded again and laid back onto the bed.  
“I can’t stand this anymore,” Dean said mostly to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean opens up to Doctor Crowley and makes a bit of a connection with Castiel.

Castiel inspected Dean’s face over breakfast the next day, he leant in to poke his cheek and frowned.  
“You look terrible,” Castiel remarked softly.  
“You’ve said, twice now, let’s just accept that I always look terrible,” Dean said roughly, jerking away from the touch.   
“I don’t think so, not always,” Castiel complimented.  
“Sure, whatever, I have to go see Crowley. They gave me an emergency session after last night,” Dean said, standing from the table, having already finished his food. Castiel pouted a little as he watched Dean leave, he’d hoped that they would bond after what happened but then again, Dean didn’t seem like one for bonding. He didn’t think more of it and went back to concentrating on his porridge.   
“Morning, Crowley,” Dean said tiredly after arriving at his doctor’s door. He did feel guilty about abandoning Castiel but he wasn’t in the mood for entertaining the boy.  
“I heard about what happened last night, care to tell me about it,” Doctor Crowley said straight up.  
“Nightmares,” Dean replied simply.  
“What about?”  
“Terrible, terrifying things,”  
“Is this going to be a game of twenty questions?” the older man snapped. Dean fiddled with his ring for a minute or two, staring at his doctor, unable to make his tongue move.   
“My father, mostly,” Dean managed.  
“That’s understandable, considering everything,”   
“How much do you know?” Dean asked, his head whipping up to meet the doctor’s eyes.   
“Everything that has been recorded by the police and everything about your medical history, that’s how much I know. The signs of an abusive household are very clear to me,” the doctor admitted. Dean stiffened at Doctor Crowley’s knowledge of his life.  
“You’re not wrong,” Dean said, swallowing hard.  
“Did your father verbally abuse you? I mean in a way that could be considered emotional or psychological. Cognitive therapy could help if he did, it changes negative thoughts,” Doctor Crowley said, studying Dean’s face.  
“Emotional, psychological, verbal, physical,” Dean listed, “my father was very inventive in the ways he treated me and my brother,” Dean shuddered at the mere memory of his father. Doctor Crowley stopped to write down a few notes, he would have to investigate further to get a fuller picture of Dean’s upbringing.   
“I’ll organise an appointment with Pamela for you, she’s very good at dealing with this sort of thing,” Doctor Crowley spoke. Dean nodded his agreement and let the doctor continue.   
“Now, when you were admitted to the ER, they found some pretty horrific scars on your body,” Doctor Crowley started, looking at some photographs from Dean’s file, “given how they’ve healed, I’m guessing you stitched yourself up,”  
“Yeah, I became very skilled with a needle and thread,” Dean said as he started to chew on his thumb nail, he shifted in his seat, feeling his anger starting to rise.   
“And you didn’t get any infections or the like?” the doctor asked, to which Dean shook his head, he looked away from the older man and started cracking his knuckles.  
“Alright, just checking,” Doctor Crowley muttered, noticing Dean’s shit in mood.  
“My scars are the only thing my father ever gave me,” Dean said absently.  
“He shouldn’t have been caring for a dog, let alone raising two boys, Dean,” the older man said sympathetically, waiting until his patient was making eye contact with him again, “never blame yourself for his actions, he manipulated you beyond the extremes,”  
“Can we move on from the scars, they’re just horrible reminders from the past that I don’t really need,” Dean said, staring at Doctor Crowley, setting his jaw and shifting uncomfortably.   
“Sure, what would you rather talk about?”  
“I don’t really care,” Dean furrowed his brow.  
“How’s it going with Castiel?”  
“Fine, I suppose, we’re getting along,” Dean sighed.   
“That’s good, it’s best to get along with people here, so you don’t become isolated and it helps to pass the time,” Doctor Crowley said. Dean nodded and for some reason his whole body tensed, it was like he suddenly remembered that no one was allowed to be nice or kind to him and talking to Doctor Crowley about Castiel amplified the feeling. Doctor Crowley frowned at Dean’s distraction.  
“Deep breaths, Dean, bring your thoughts back to the current,” the doctor said calmly. Dean heaved in air, he started hearing his father’s voice, yelling abuse, soon he could see him standing in front of him, his belt looped in his hand, ready to strike.   
“I can’t,” Dean said, his eyes glazing over.  
“You need to try, Dean, focus on me or something in this office, something in the now,”  
“I can’t,” Dean breathed again, all he wanted to do was cower away from the figure in front of him but he was frozen in place. His hand went to his abdomen, fingers brushing a scar under his shirt. He felt nauseous and his head began to spin. Doctor Crowley hit his panic button but gestured for the assisting staff to stay at the door just in case Dean acted out.  
“Talk to me, Dean,” Doctor Crowley urged, walking around his desk. Dean was digging his finger nails into his palms so hard that he drew blood.   
“There was no stopping him,” Dean whispered as he remembered a blade piercing his skin, “Sammy tried but got a black eye for his efforts,” it was as if he was on auto pilot, reciting the events of that particular evening even though he had no wish to.  
“What did he do?” Doctor Crowley asked. 

Dean remembered that whole night but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud until his adrenaline kicked in, he sprang to his feet, his whole body tense and primed to defend itself.   
“That bastard stabbed me with a kitchen knife in front of my twelve year old brother,” Dean yelled, pulling up his shirt to show Doctor Crowley the evidence, “he found me in bed with another guy and dragged me out by my ears before running me through, telling me that I’m an abomination,” Dean’s voice was angry and strong but so full of terror that it almost betrayed him. Doctor Crowley was silent, he was shocked beyond words, the doctor shook his head and touched Dean reassuringly on the shoulder. Dean grimaced and flinched away from the touch, he flattened his shirt down and sat back in his chair, bringing a leg up to his chest.  
“Imagine that, every day for nineteen years,” Dean said as tears started to roll down his face. Doctor Crowley signalled to the waiting staff that everything was alright and shut the door when they left.   
“Dean,” the doctor spoke up, “I’m sorry that your father put you through that,”  
“I don’t need your pity, Crowley,” Dean spat in reply, wiping his face.  
“Why did you never report him to the authorities?” Doctor Crowley asked as he sat back behind his desk.   
“I knew they’d split me and Sammy up,” Dean answered, shrugging slightly.   
“Sam is your brother?”  
“Yeah,”  
“Where is he now?”  
“I don’t want to talk about him,”  
“Dean, where’s your brother now?” Doctor Crowley repeated.  
“Dead,” Dean blurted, “he committed suicide at sixteen,”  
“You have no family then?” the doctor asked regretfully.   
“No,” Dean said, standing so quickly that he knocked his seat over, “I’m the poster boy for messed up childhoods and personal tragedy,” he snarled, leaving the office in a huff, slamming the door for good measure. Doctor Crowley sighed, he assumed that this would be how further sessions with Dean Winchester would end, with the boy getting angry or scared and running out to go lick his wounds. The doctor decided he would need to be tougher on Dean, really push him into opening up but then again, that might only make him more resistant. 

Dean made straight for his room, he couldn’t let anyone see how broken he was, he couldn’t show how much he was struggling to hold himself together. He was glad that his shared room was empty, not knowing how he would be able to get rid of Castiel. Dean closed the door and thought about how he could jam it shut, there was nothing in the room apart from the two beds, which weren’t screwed to the floor. The metal frame of his bed was heavy but after bit of heaving and shoving, he managed to slide it against the door, locking himself in the quiet room. At least now no one would be able to walk in and annoy him. Dean sat against the white brick wall and let his head hang forward. He let his knuckles crack and muscles tense, he really didn’t want to fight the panic that washed over him. He knew these signs, every time his father walked into the house or when he knew he needed to protect Sam, this was how he reacted. He was on edge and needed to let off as much steam as possible, he knew he wouldn’t calm down until his fist connected with something. 

After breakfast, Castiel had spent some time with Balthazar and another patient, Gabriel, who had been admitted to get over his drug addiction. Castiel had asked why he wasn’t in rehab but the question was ignored to make way for a more riveting conversation about chickens. Castiel ate lunch and went to the afternoon group therapy session, he wandered where Dean had gotten too but didn’t linger on the thought. He was attracted to Dean, and wanted to get close to him but knew that relationships of that sort were impractical in this hospital, on top of the fact that Dean probably didn’t feel the same. By mid-afternoon, Castiel grew bored of being social and decided to look for a new book to read in the library. He browsed for a while and found a copy of Frankenstein, he questioned it’s suitability for being stocked in a psych ward but didn’t care because he would enjoy reading it again. Castiel would have gone outside but it had started to rain, so he went to his room, figuring he could get in a few hours of quiet reading. When Castiel tried to open the door of his room it opened slightly but wouldn’t go any further, he frowned and tried to shove it open but still it wouldn’t go any further than a couple of centimetres. Castiel peered through the window and saw that a bed had been pushed up against the door, he wasn’t really fazed by that but he was surprised to find Dean curled up on the floor, raking his fingers across his skin, managing to draw blood. Castiel dropped his book and rammed the door as hard as he could, only shifting the bed slightly.   
“Dean, can you move the bed?” Castiel called through the door, trying not to attract too much attention.   
“Leave me alone,” Dean sighed, his eyes flittering open.   
“I can’t do that,” Castiel replied, pushing on the door again, this time opening up enough space for him to stick his head into the room. He kept pushing on the door, putting more energy than he’d used in a long time into it.  
“Dean, common, give me a hand here,” Castiel asked firmly, he was desperate to get to Dean, wanting to comfort him through whatever was happening with him. 

Dean pressed his face against the cold floor and ignored Castiel, humming Hey Jude to himself, his hands hurt from punching the walls and his skin was a mess where he was racking his fingernails. All he knew was that what he wanted was his father’s voice to shut up and his image to leave him. He tried to ignore the memories of the abuse but they took him over and left him in this mess that he was in. Dean didn’t know who’s hands were on him then, but they were soft and strong, pulling him into a reassuring hug. Castiel had managed to shove the bed aside just enough for him to slip into the room and he was now holding Dean from behind, wrapping his arms across his chest. Dean struggled against the embrace, he cried and screamed and kicked out but he couldn’t get away from Castiel’s strong hold and soothing words. Dean needed to get away, he couldn’t process Castiel’s tenderness, he wasn’t worth the kindness this man showed him.  
“Dean, calm down,” Castiel said over and over, “take deep breaths and come back to the now,” he instructed. Dean wriggled around and found himself clutching to Castiel, clutching to anything he could really.   
“He was a monster,” Dean said, his voice hitching.  
“I know,” Castiel responded, his hold only tightening, “it’s alright, Dean, you’re safe, no one is going to hurt you,”   
“He’s going to find me, I can’t, I can’t,” Dean cried out, he’d settled against Castiel but he was still tense. Castiel let Dean cry and sob in his arms, he didn’t stroke him or offer anymore words, he just held him tightly, keeping him from falling apart. They were interrupted, however, when an orderly came to the door, drawn to the room by Dean’s screams. The orderly took in the scene and instantly called for assistance and Castiel was thankful that it was Ellen who entered the room a few minutes later.   
“Cas?” Ellen asked tentively, crouching in front of the pair.  
“I think he’s having a panic attack,” Castiel replied.  
“How long have you been here?”   
“I don’t know, I found him like this, the bed was jammed against the door,”  
“Okay,” Ellen nodded, “you did good, Cas, but you need to let go,” the nurse instructed. Castiel was hesitant but obliged, prying himself from Dean. 

Dean was left to slump forward, still twitching and groaning, whilst Castiel backed away from him.   
“Dean, can you look at me?” Ellen said firmly, she scooted closer to Dean and sat in front of him.   
“Dean, common, show me those pretty green eyes,” Ellen encouraged, to which Dean slowly raised his eyes to her, “there we go, now keep your eyes on me and take deep breaths, really concentrate on it,” the nurse smiled. She gave Dean small praises as he slowly gained control of his breathing again.   
“Good, Dean, now, I’m going to check your pulse, you alright with that?” Ellen asked. Dean nodded and flopped his arm out of his lap, by now the bed he’d moved was pushed back into place and there were more people in the room, Meg was there with Benny and Castiel was watching from behind them. Ellen checked Dean’s pulse and made note of it.  
“Can I listen to your heart, Dean?” Ellen asked a moment later. Again Dean nodded, letting Ellen press a stethoscope to his chest.   
“You’re doing real good, Dean,” Ellen smiled, “we’re gonna have to move you to the medical bay, okay, are you ready to stand up?”   
“Sure,” Dean croaked out, having been slightly comforted by Ellen’s voice and presence, his father wasn’t there anymore, just her.  
“Okay, let’s take this slow, all you need to do is stand up just enough for us to get you in a wheelchair,” Ellen explained. Dean nodded and saw Benny wheeling in the chair, he got his feet under him and stood up straight. Benny was there to catch him by the elbow but as soon as the orderly touched him, his whole body tingled and twitched, involuntarily striking out. Dean caught Benny across the jaw and instinctively backing it up with a punch to the gut. Dean was just as shocked as Benny and wasn’t surprised when the orderly forced him against the wall and pinned him there with an arm twisted behind his back. Dean’s head spun and the world shifted out of focus, a needle appeared in Ellen’s hand and a second later there was a prick in his thigh, everything was moving too fast for him to keep up and soon he didn’t have to. Soon he couldn’t support his own weight but was still able to struggle against Benny’s grip. Dean was dragged from the room, propped up between Ellen and Benny. Once in the medical bay, Dean was laid out on a bed and a team of staff tried to keep him still whilst they strapped leather cuffs around his wrists. Dean wriggled about but there was no strength left in him so he had little choice but to let them restrain him. His ankles were strapped down next and then a wide belt was secured around his waist, leaving him bound and trapped. 

Dean was left in Jo’s capable hands, she had to wait until he was still so she could clean his skin.  
“You’re not going to need stiches,” Jo announced, “this might sting,” she rubbed in some antiseptic cream to his arm and wrapped it in a bandage.   
“You just relax, kiddo,” Jo smiled down at him. Dean groaned in reply and tugged on the cuffs a little. Jo left him at that, left him mumbling to himself and practically tripping from whatever they gave him. Hours later, Jo returned and injected Dean with a stronger sedative, sending him into a deep sleep quickly, he closed his eyes to her smiling face and opened them what seemed like a second later to the sun shining through a window. Dean sat up and his hand instantly went to his arm and he picked at the bandage for a second before remembering why it was there. He wrung out his hands, trying to piece together what had happened the day before, he was distracted, however, when he found that his ring was missing. Dean frantically searched the sheets and the floor around him, he wasn’t going to relax again until he found it.  
“Looking for something?” came a harsh voice, it was Doctor Crowley who walked in on Dean.  
“My ring,” Dean answered.   
“Is this it?” Doctor Crowley asked, holding up the silver band, Dean nodded and stood to reach for it but the doctor held up a hand and stepped back.  
“Give it back to me, Crowley,” Dean growled.   
“Put the fangs away, Dean, we’re going to talk first,” the older man stated, taking up a seat a little too far away from Dean.   
“Why do you have it?” Dean asked, sitting back down.   
“It was taken from you yesterday, I’m surprised that Benny had let you keep it but he obviously recognised that you have an emotional attachment to it,”  
“He wasn’t wrong,”  
“And now, I am forced to confiscate it because it has caused injury to a member of staff,”  
“Please, give it back,”  
“I can’t,” the doctor said plainly, pocketing the ring, “we need to talk about what happened yesterday,”  
“I don’t know what happened yesterday,”   
“Did you go straight to your room after our session?”  
“Yeah, I shoved the bed against the door so I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone,”  
“What happened after that?”  
“It’s sketchy, I punched the walls, I think,” Dean said, looking down at his shredded hands.   
“You could have broken your knuckles, judging from the force that you did it,” Doctor Crowley commented.   
“I don’t really know what happened after that, all I could see or hear was my father, he was in the room with me and then he was gone and Cas was there,”  
“Ellen tells me that he was the one that found you, that he calmed you down,”  
“That sounds right,”  
“Do you know what brought this on?”  
“I was angry and I was scared,”  
“I got that, but that was pretty strong reaction, to add to that you let Ellen touch you but went mental when Benny did,”  
“I honestly don’t know what to tell you, Crowley,”  
“Dean,” Doctor Crowley scolded, sensing that Dean wasn’t giving him the whole story.  
“Crowley,” Dean mimicked.  
“I need to be completely honest with you here, we don’t have the staff nor the facilities in this ward to handle a case as extreme as yours,” Doctor Crowley pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed before continuing, “I thought you would have settled down by now but really, you’re too high risk to remain here, it’ll do no one any good in the long run. I’m going to transfer you to our intensive unit for a time,” the doctor announced.   
“Wait, what? Why?” Dean looked up, worry showing on his face.  
“They have specialised staff and will be able to keep a closer eye on you. You have nothing to worry about, you’ll be moved to another building and be back here in a month or two,”  
“Why can’t I stay here, your staff have managed so far?”  
“The staff are barely coping, Dean, you’ve attacked staff members and scared other patients. In an intensive ward they can help you manage your anger levels in a controlled environment, I gave you one more chance, Dean, and you used it,” Doctor Crowley explained. Dean had to think for a moment, he knew that ‘intensive ward’ was a nicer way of saying ‘maximum security.’ There was no denying that he was unstable but he really didn’t want to be sent to some dungeon, but then again, maybe this would be for the best, especially for the long run.  
“I’m going to have to trust, aren’t I?” Dean asked, taking a leap of faith against his better judgement.  
“Afraid so, you’ll be fine there, I’ll email the doctor in charge and send over your file,”  
“You won’t be my doctor whilst I’m there?”  
“I’m touched that you’d miss me, but no,” Doctor Crowley stated dryly.  
“Are you giving up on me?” Dean raised an eyebrow.  
“Just for the moment, Dean, when you get back we’ll really get to work,”  
“Alright, two months you say, I can do that,” Dean said, looking away.   
“You’ll be fine, the staff over there are really good at their jobs and they’ll really help you with managing your more violent urges,” Doctor Crowley concluded.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Definitely,”  
“Okay, and if you’re wrong I’ll kick your arse when I get back,” Dean let out a nervous laugh, “when will I likely be moved?”  
“Depends on how quickly the paperwork goes through, I’ll say tomorrow after breakfast,”  
“Sure,” Dean nodded, “am I going to be kept here until then?”  
“This isn’t a prison, Dean, I’ll let you back out in the general population but you’ll be watched like a hawk,”  
“Understandable,”  
“Go have a shower,” Doctor Crowley instructed, “and get a clean set of clothes, I’ll see you tomorrow,” the doctor left at that. Dean did as he had said, feeling pretty good after the shower, liking how clean he felt, the clean clothes added to that. He was given a jumper with his clothes as the weather had turned cold and he felt so snug in it, surprised that it was somehow oversized. 

Dean walked through the hallways and found his way back to his room, hoping to find Castiel there. The black haired man was sitting on his bed reading a magazine.  
“Hey, Cas,” Dean said, announcing his presence, he stepped into the room and nudged the door shut a little.  
“Hey,” Castiel eyed Dean, sitting up a little.   
“Thank you, for what you did yesterday,”  
“Welcome, I’ve had to deal with a few panic attacks in my time,” Castiel said, offering no explanation, “how are you going?”  
“Fine, I guess, I’m pretty on edge about the whole thing,” Dean answered, sitting down on his bed.  
“I can imagine, you really freaked me out,”  
“I don’t know what was going on, I have an idea about what caused it but other than that,” Dean trailed off slightly and Castiel didn’t ask what he meant, knowing that Dean wouldn’t open up.   
“Have you seen Crowley today?” Castiel asked instead.   
“This morning, he’s moving me to the intensive ward,”  
“The maximum security unit?” Castiel asked more to himself than Dean, his face falling.  
“Yeah, apparently they can’t handle my severe behaviour here,”   
“That’s not untrue,” Castiel said, testing the subject.  
“I know, I’m willing to accept the consequences,”  
“Do you know how long you’ll be there for?”  
“No longer than two months, hopefully,” Dean answered, looking sadly at Castiel. He stood from his bed and knelt in front of the other man, placing his hands on his thighs, causing Castiel to stiffen.   
“Did you mean what you said, are you totally sure that you like me?” Dean asked.  
“Definitely,” Castiel swallowed, nodding as he rested a hand on Dean’s check. Dean smiled broadly and leant in close to Castiel’s face.  
“That is a huge mistake, we’ve known each other for the shortest time, I was so harsh on you, we know nothing about each other, and my god, you’re adorable,” Dean rambled before planting his lips on the boy’s face, his tongue finding its way into Castiel’s mouth. Castiel sighed as he kissed Dean back, his hands grasping at him; his face, his clothes, him, trying to prove to himself that this wasn’t in his head. Dean ran his hand along Castiel’s side, tickling his skin, he pulled away from his face and smiled, looking into the baby blue eyes of the other man.  
“I don’t think it’s a mistake,” Castiel breathed, “we’ve zinged,”  
“Zinged?” Dean questioned.   
“We have an instant connection, a profound bond, it’s from this movie that they showed a while back,” Castiel said as he scooted back on the bed, gesturing for Dean to come closer.   
“Are you sure you won’t hate me by the time I get back?” Dean asked, crawling on top of Castiel, nipping at his chin. Castiel shook his head, kissing along Dean’s jaw line before lightly biting at his lower lip.  
“Not likely to happen,” Castiel whispered.   
“It better bloody not,” Dean said, stroking the hinge of Castiel’s jaw. Castiel huffed a laugh, pressing a lingering kiss to Dean’s lips. Dean started to kiss Castiel’s jaw, then down his neck, nipping at his skin every now and then. Castiel laid back, enjoying the attention for a moment before nudging Dean off of him.  
“Shirt off,” Castiel commanded, tilting his head a little and sitting up. Dean sat back and hesitated, he stared at Castiel for the longest time before grabbing the hem of his shirt.   
“Don’t freak out, okay,” Dean warned as he lifted his shirt over his head, revealing scars of various shapes and sizes that littered his skin. 

Castiel didn’t recoil at the sight, simply looked at the damage, some were small and thin whilst others were ugly and jaggered. Small circular craters outnumbered the more linear scars, they scattered Dean’s arms and shoulders, a couple even sat at the base of his neck. Castiel blanched at the reason for why they were there and he really didn’t want to think about how many there were that he couldn’t see. After a minute of silence, Castiel leant forward and placed a kiss on a scar above Dean’s collar bone, followed by one below. Dean pushed Castiel away slightly, not needing attention drawn to his imperfections.   
“Don’t, don’t, just ignore them,” Dean said, leaning in to help Castiel with his own shirt. The other man glanced at Dean and nodded, slipping out of his shirt. Dean leant in further to plant kisses on Castiel’s chest, his skin smooth and soft. Castiel moaned, guiding Dean’s face back to his own. They kissed chastely, searching each other, enjoying how the other tasted. Dean sighed happily and Castiel tugged at his waist band.  
“Hold on,” Dean spoke up, “what if we’re caught?”  
“They never do room checks this close to lunch, besides, we’ll be quiet,” Castiel said cheekily as he relieved Dean of his pants. Dean, in kind pulled off Castiel’s bottoms and leant into the crook of his neck, breathing against his skin. Castiel felt goose bumps covering his skin as Dean reached up and gripped his hair. Dean looked down into Castiel’s eyes and nodded, smiling a foxy smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Dean's departure nearing, he and Castiel open up to each other with somewhat positive repercussions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck waiting for Monday when I have this ready now, again please don't hate me too much but this chapter was a bit of a thrill to write. 
> 
> Now, I would like to thank the commenters, Anna and Kittyaceres, they advised that the formatting of my story might be a little hard to read and I tried to rectify this but ended up having to deleting my story and reposting. Because of this I have decided not to change my formatting. 
> 
> Thank you all again, the reaction and feedback for this story has made very happy and had encouraged me to keep posting, my ego is sufficiently bloated.
> 
> xGG

Castiel very nearly fell out of the narrow bed when we tried to rearrange their bodies to fit comfortably. He gave up with one leg dangling off the edge. After a few short minutes of lying like that, he sighed and got up, picking his clothes off the floor and dressing again.  
“Was I adequate?” Castiel asked.  
“Very much so,” Dean grinned mischievously, still catching his breath. He laid back and stared at Castiel, “all I need now is a beer,” he wrapped himself in a sheet and searched for his pants. Castiel grinned, snorting a little as he handed Dean his pants.  
“I like your body, Dean,” Castiel said, smirking a little. Dean stopped and looked at the other man dubiously, he looked down at himself and scowled.  
“How, with it looking like this?” Dean asked.  
“I think imperfections like that have their own type of sad beauty, and you’re also pretty fit,” Castiel shrugged.  
“Sad being the operative word there,” Dean huffed, pulling on his shirt, “we should go to lunch before we’re missed,” Dean said, leading the way to the cafeteria and waited in line for food. Castiel stood behind him, happily holding his hand lightly and then reluctantly letting go when he had to take a tray. Today it was butter chicken on rice with apple pie on the side, for which Dean was very grateful. He went and sat in his usual spot at the edge of the cafeteria. Castiel trailed after Dean, abandoning his seat with Balthazar and Gabriel.

Dean scoffed down his food, barely taking a breath between mouthfuls. He glanced up at Castiel every now and then, smiling to himself. The black haired man had been a better lay then he’d expected and his hair was perfectly tousled as evidence.   
“Here,” Castiel offered his pie to Dean, not having a taste for it, “you can have it,”  
“Really?” Dean looked at Castiel in true amazement, even the smallest gesture made him quite grateful.  
“Really,” Castiel confirmed.  
“Thank you,” Dean said, taking the slice.  
“You’re welcome,” Castiel smiled gleefully, enjoying how Dean’s eyes lit up at the offer, there was a light there that he hadn’t seen yet.   
“Right, I’ve got half a day to kill,” Dean said after practically licking his plates clean, “what do people do for fun around here?”  
“There this wonderful thing called board games,” Castiel answered sarcastically.  
“Isn’t there anything more stimulating?” Dean complained.  
“There’s a garden,” Castiel suggested.   
“Show me,” Dean collected their trays and discarded them, letting Castiel lead him down to the other end of the ward. He pushed on a glass door and stepped out into the garden. It had hedges and vines that attempted to cover the high fences, a pond clung to one edge and trees lined the other. There were rows of garden beds and a small grassed area. Dean was glad for the sun light and fresh air, even though the added brightness made him look like walking death. The air was cold and storm clouds threatened to appear but it was a nice afternoon to be outside. Dean walked around the flowers, not really caring for them, he just liked being away from the confines of the stark white hallways. There were a few other patients milling around, reading or watering plants, but they kept to themselves, though. 

Castiel sat down on the brick path, legs stretched out and eyes closed, enjoying the warmth the bricks gave off. Dean looked down at him, loving how his hair shone in the sun.   
“Do you have any prospects of leaving here?” Dean asked randomly.  
“If I’m lucky, I might be ready to leave in half a year or so. I’d like to go back to college but…” Castiel winced, opening his eyes a little, “I’m scared that I’ll just end up back here, though,”  
“Half a year, wow,” Dean ran a hand through his hair.  
“It’s a long time, I know but I’m getting better every day so it could be less,”  
“That’s good,” Dean nodded, “at least you have a ball parked end date,”  
“You haven’t been given a time frame, have you?”  
“Nope,”  
“That sucks,”  
“You don’t say,”  
“You just gotta take it one day at a time, Dean,”  
“That sounds a little too easy, Cas,”  
“I know, but you get what I’m saying. You have the fear of not knowing when you’ll be released and I have the fear of coming back, I’m afraid this will turn into a cycle,” Castiel declared, “I leave, I get worse, I fuck up again and I’m back here. Rinse and repeat,”  
“Then don’t let it be like that, you remember how to cope and do just that,” Dean said matter of factly as he found a lavender bush, picking a few buds and stuffing them in his pocket.  
“I’ll put the uttermost effort into getting better and staying better, as long as you do as well,” Castiel replied, watching Dean intently, “what are you doing?”  
“The problem is, I don’t really want to get better, I’ve lasted twenty one years on my own just fine,” Dean turned to Castiel, looking at the remaining lavender in his hand and smiled, “it’s my favourite,”  
“I see,” Castiel smiled back fondly.  
“No, I don’t think you do,” Dean snapped, his temper rising, “I don’t think anyone does, I’ve lived my whole life without help and have gotten by just fine. Now, I’m forced into unwanted therapy, don’t you see how messed up that is?” Dean was yelling now, he cracked his knuckles and stood stiffly.   
“I meant that lavender, you arse,” Castiel growled, standing to confront Dean, “don’t you get pissy with me because I know full well how messed up your whole situation is, but by god, from how often you snap, it’s clear you aren’t coping as well as you think,”  
“I’ll get pissy with whomever I damn well please,” Dean said, standing his ground but allowing his face to slacken, not knowing how to react to Castiel’s sudden courage.   
“Hit me,” Castiel decided, clenching his jaw and keeping eye contact with Dean.   
“Don’t temp me, Cas,” Dean said sternly, stepping closer.  
“Do it, hit me, let the anger out in the only way you know how,” Castiel said, bracing himself. Dean’s eyes glazed over for a second, he was hearing his father’s voice as if he were standing right behind him.  
‘Do it, boy, show him who’s stronger here,’ Dean took another step forward, crowding over Castiel, his fists clenched so tight that knuckles were white. Castiel didn’t back down even though Emmanuel was urging him to.  
‘He’s going to hurt us, Castiel, just look away and step back,’ Castiel remained where he was, needing proof that Dean could control his anger.  
“Please don’t make me do this,” Dean said softly, half to his father and half to Castiel.  
“I won’t hate you if you do it, Dean,” Castiel murmured, taking a deep breath, “but I need to believe that you can control it,” Castiel said. Dean clenched every muscle he had, fighting the urge to beat this boy within an inch of his life, he set his jaw and swayed a little. His father screamed at him and he was so scared to disobey.  
“You’ll hate me either way,” Dean breathed. Castiel shook his head and swallowed dryly, he raised a hand and ran a thumb across Dean’s cheek.   
“You’re too good for me,” Dean said lightly, moving his head to kiss Castiel’s hand.  
“I’m far from good,” Castiel said.  
“Tell me,” Dean demanded, “distract me,”  
“Tell you what?”   
“Anything and everything, I need to drown out his voice,” Dean said almost desperately. Castiel nodded, not really understanding who Dean was talking about but appreciated what he wanted.   
“Well, I had a girlfriend,” Castiel started, tracing patterns along the side of Dean’s face, “she was pregnant, we’d been dating for a few years by then and she always wanted kids, we were the picture perfect couple until I became addicted to heroin and fooled around a little too much,” Castiel tailed off, swallowed and continued, “she found out and threatened to leave, she was well within her rights to but she didn’t want my child to know who I am and I got so angry. I…Clarence, hurt her real bad, so bad that she lost the baby. She left me and I handed myself over to the authorities, then it was determined that I had multiple personalities,” Castiel revealed, looking away so Dean wouldn’t see the tears that welled up. 

Dean didn’t say anything, there was nothing he could say, he simply kissed Castiel’s temple and held him against his shoulder. He looked up and saw storm clouds starting to roll in.  
“We should go back inside,” Dean said, pulling away.  
“Sure,” Castiel agreed, leading Dean back inside, “I’m taking you to art therapy,” Castiel announced, starting down a hallway to his left. Dean followed and smiled when they reached the art room, it was a large open space with plenty of natural light and an amazing assortment of art supplies. Castiel entered behind Dean and pointed out some paintings that sat in a stack to the side.   
“Those landscapes are mine,” Castiel said.  
“They’re nice,” Dean said, flicking through them, surprised that Castiel actually had skill. Once he’d seen all he could, Dean sat down at a work bench and picked up a piece of paper to fold a paper aeroplane. Castiel gushed and busied himself with fixing one of his paintings. Dean threw his finished place across the room and got a sideways look from one of the supervising staff.   
“What are you, in high school?” Castiel peered over at Dean, who tried to rebut but couldn’t think of anything to say.  
“What did you study in college?” Dean asked, picking up another piece of paper and some pencils.  
“Art history,” Castiel answered.   
“Well la di da,” Dean teased, sketching out a simple leafless tree.  
“Hey, I was good at it,”  
“I can see that,” Dean said, leaning over to look at Castiel’s painting.  
“This is just a practical example. Art history is less about the visual and more about the theory of the progression of art,” Castiel stated.  
“Right,” Dean nodded, humouring Castiel, “and I was just a dumb mechanic,”  
“At least you were a cute dumb mechanic,” Castiel pointed out.  
“That’s true,” Dean replied, grinning at Castiel, who laughed and flicked paint at Dean.   
“Hey,” Dean gasped, wiping paint from his face, “you’re a cheeky bastard,” Dean looked over at Castiel, quite taken aback by how genuinely he was smiling at that moment. He knew right then and there that Castiel was a person that he could let in, he knew that he wanted Castiel in his life and the he wanted to trust the black haired man. 

Dean wasn’t ready yet, but he decided that he would try to get there for Castiel, he would try to get better so that he might be half the man that Castiel saw in him. And then, maybe, he would be able to open up about his past. Dean sat contently with Castiel, they worked silently, sneaking smiles and winks to each other occasionally, they enjoyed the peacefulness of the moment. They ate dinner when it came to it and sat in the common room afterwards, watching the news with each other’s legs entangled together, again enjoying the simplicity of it all. Dean was just starting to relax when Jo came around to administer medication, forcing him and Castiel apart. Dean took his medication without hesitation and Castiel swallowed his pills with a sigh.  
“Sleep in my bed tonight?” Castiel asked once Jo was out of ear shot.   
“Of course,” Dean answered, feeling himself wanting sleep already, he felt his muscles loosen and after a while, he needed to get to bed. He excused himself and went to his room, flopping onto the bed as soon as he got there. It wasn’t until lights out that he heard Castiel creeping in, feeling him slide into his bed just a moment later.   
“It looks like we’ve only got a few more hours together,” Dean drawled, rolling over to wrap an arm around Castiel’s bare shoulders. Castiel hummed his replied, already starting to kiss across Dean’s neck. Dean laughed and craned his neck down and captured Castiel’s mouth in a bruising kiss, forcing his tongue against the other man’s. Castiel shuddered, kissing back passionately as he snaked a hand over Dean’s stomach, biting at his lip as he pulled away. Castiel rolled them over, licking into Dean’s mouth briefly, grinding his body against Dean’s. Dean, in turn, gripped the back of Castiel’s head and tugged his hair lightly. Castiel took Dean’s hands and pinned them above his head, kissing him deeply before running kisses down his face and neck, sucking a mark above his collar bone.   
“Jesus Christ,” Dean gasped, relaxing into Castiel’s embraces.   
“Don’t blaspheme,” Castiel breathed, continuing to kiss over his neck, proceeding to give him plenty of reasons to blaspheme.

 

oOo

 

Dean woke up the next morning, his hair a mess and his limbs tangled in sheets. Castiel cuddled closer to Dean, not bothering to open his eyes as he placed vaguely aim kisses over his skin. They didn’t get very far in their nocturnal activities as Dean got pretty tired quickly, but he had to admit that Castiel had a very talented mouth.   
“Dean?” Castiel mumbled.  
“Yeah,” Dean replied, staring up at the ceiling.  
“You’re gonna leave soon, yeah?”  
“After breakfast,” Dean confirmed.   
“Damn,” Castiel sighed, opening his eyes so he could hug Dean and avoid falling out of the bed.  
“I know,” Dean said, lifting himself up and puling on a fresh set of clothes. Castiel stayed where he was, watching Dean for a moment.  
“You should know that I’ve never had anything more substantial than one night stands,” Dean admitted, leaning in to stroke Castiel’s face.   
“So, am I special?” Dean smiled up at him, “we went at it twice in the same day,”  
“Very special,” Dean answered, planting a kiss on Castiel’s forehead, “wait a little while before following me out,”  
“How long is a while?”  
“Get dressed then wait three minutes, I have a bit of experience of deflecting suspicion,” Dean said as he left for the cafeteria.  
“I’m sure you do,” Castiel called after him, dressing in his regulation pyjamas. 

Dean had saved a seat for Castiel whilst nibbling on some toast, he smiled up at the other man as he sat down. They ate in silence, Dean perfectly fine with watching the humdrum life that consumed the patients and Castiel just enjoying being in Dean’s presence.   
“I’ll miss you,” Castiel spoke absently, “when you’re gone,”  
“As you should, I’m great,” Dean beamed. Castiel rolled his eyes and went back to eating in silence, he noticed that this was a regular thing when he ate with Dean and assumed that the other man just didn’t like talking at meals, that was fine with him but he couldn’t help but wander the reason behind it. The two of them ate slowly, avoiding Dean’s inevitable departure but they did eventually finish, leaving the cafeteria together and walking around for a while, again trying to draw their time out.   
“I’m gonna need to find Crowley soon,” Dean announced. Castiel nodded, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He checked around before kissing Dean on the cheek, hands wrapping around his waist.   
“Are you trying to cop a feel?” Dean asked cheekily.   
“And if I am?” Castiel replied boldly. Dean nuzzled his nose against Castiel’s face and placed his hands on his hips, drawing him in. Dean kissed the other man frenziedly, only breaking it to pull Castiel into a tight hug.   
“I’ll be back before you know it,” Dean said.  
“Yeah,” Castiel affirmed, sniffing slightly.  
“Don’t cry over me, Cas,” Dean said as he ran his thumbs over Castiel’s cheeks.  
“Break it up, guys,” Charlie whispered loudly as she walked past, causing Castiel to back away from Dean blushing.  
“We weren’t doing anything,” Castiel stammered.  
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” Charlie promised. The pair smiled their thanks and the nurse continued on her way.  
“Hey, Charlie,” Dean called after her, “where’s Crowley?”  
“Probably waiting for you at the main entrance,” Charlie answered.  
“Alright, thanks,” Dean replied. Castiel took Dean’s hand and walked with him to meet Doctor Crowley. They passed though the visitor’s centre and Dean noticed Castiel frowning as he looked over the empty space.  
“You don’t get visitors, do you?” Dean asked.  
“My brothers used to come but they’re busy and have their own families,”  
“You’re meant to be their family too,” Dean stated, feeling a little sorry for Castiel.  
“I don’t mind that they don’t come, I was the one that told them not too,”  
“Why would you do that?”  
“Because we were never that close,” Castiel said bluntly. Dean felt too awkward to respond so the rest of the short walk was done in silence. 

When Dean saw Doctor Crowley he dropped Castiel’s hand and approached his doctor.  
“Morning, Dean,” Doctor Crowley said.  
“Hey, Doc,” Dean replied, sneaking a wink to Castiel.  
“Don’t start any fights, I’ll see you when you get back,” Castiel said.  
“Sure thing, see you around,” Dean responded. Castiel waved and hesitantly walked off.  
“You ready?” Doctor Crowley asked, signing a few papers on a clip board.  
“I kinda have to be,” Dean answered, noticing three hulking men marching through the entrance.  
“Looks like my ride’s here,” Dean huffed.  
“Right on time, too,” Doctor Crowley stated, looking at his watch.  
“Doctor Crowley?” one of the men that came to collect Dean asked, “I’m Jacob,”  
“Hi, Jacob, if you could sign these,” Doctor Crowley replied, handing over the clip board. Jacob read over and signed the papers before addressing Dean.   
“You’re Dean Winchester?” Jacob said.  
“I am,” Dean confirmed, standing stiffly.  
“We’re here to oversee your transfer, I’m going to have to ask you to hold out your hands,” Jacob instructed calmly, producing a set of padded restraints.  
“What are they for?” Dean hesitated, grinding his teeth.   
“They’re a precaution,” Jacob responded.   
“It’s alright, Dean,” Doctor Crowley encouraged. Dean glared at the doctor, sighed heavily and held out his hands, to which the leather cuffs were wrapped around and locked in place. Dean allowed the men to lead him by his elbows out of the building, he tensed when he saw where they were taking him. The intensive ward was a monolithic old building with stone walls and high fences topped with barbed wire. Dean tried not to panic too much as he was admitted and taken to a bare room. He was locked in and left alone, he couldn’t hear anything from the outside and soon enough the bleak walls started to close in on him.

 

oOo

 

Castiel would miss Dean, he knew, but he had survived on the ward without him for so long he could go back to it for a while. He enjoyed Dean’s company and looked forward to seeing that light in his eyes again but knew that he needed to be reined in so that he and others might be safe from his rage. Castiel could see goodness in Dean, but he shielded himself from the world and allowed only anger to bleed through. He had such a crush on the green eyed beauty that he felt like a teenager again, there was the nagging feeling that his attraction to Dean was solely influenced by Clarence but he chose to ignore it. He knew his own mind and was determined to keep it that way, so he focused on his therapy and kept himself busy so that he might not notice Dean’s absence as much. There were times, over the following weeks, where he would think of something that he’d like to share with Dean, a few seconds of forgetfulness quickly snuffed out when he remembered where Dean was. Castiel reaffirmed his friendship with Balthazar and even got to know Gabriel a little more, the man had quite an affinity for chickens. Nights were the hardest for Castiel, not only were Clarence and Emmanuel more incessant at night when he was asleep but he would also lie in bed and stare at the empty one across from him, missing Dean all over again. He feared an obsession was what this was but again he chose to ignore it, his life was built on ignoring things and he found it easy to convince himself that he could actually have a substantial, intimate, relationship with Dean Winchester


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean returns and finally has a session with Pamela that reveals a few secrets, whilst Castiel has a few of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there friend of a friend, 
> 
> we're 30 minutes out from it officially being Monday and after last weeks catastrophe I am finally back on track with posting chapters. For the next few weeks I'll only be posting on Mondays as I am currently in the process of moving out of home and won't have time to give my lovely readers more than one chapter a week. 
> 
> Please enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it and like always, compliments, complaints and criticisms are always welcome. 
> 
> Gandalf out.

Doctor Crowley sat on the steps out in front of the main hospital ward, waiting the cold for Dean Winchester to be transferred back into his care after three and a half months in the intensive ward.   
“Good to have you back, Dean,” Doctor Crowley said after the handover. Dean grunted his reply, hugging himself against the icy breeze. His face was bruised and he’d lost a fair bit of weight.   
“How do you feel?” Doctor Crowley asked as he led his patient inside.   
“Perfectly fine, thank you,” Dean replied sharply.  
“They tell me you’ve made progress,” the doctor prompted when they were back in his office.  
“Some, yes,” Dean nodded.  
“Care to elaborate?”  
“I can control the anger some, channel it a little,” Dean answered, sitting stiffly.  
“That’s good, how do you channel it?”  
“Origami,”  
“Really, that’s a little out of character,”  
“It’s calming,” Dean shrugged.  
“Each too their own, I suppose. Do you wanna tell me why your face is bruised?”  
“I got into a fight,” Dean answered plainly.  
“With who, the orderlies again?” Doctor Crowley sighed.   
“Initially it was another patient but then the orderlies got involved, it was messy and quite a draw back the doctor said,” Dean explained as the older man wrote down what he said.   
“Why were you fighting with another patient?”  
“He came at me for some reason, only god knows,” Dean explained.   
“Alright,” Doctor Crowley made another note and placed his pen down, “how did the therapy over there work for you?”  
“Well, I think, the nightmares have gotten less intense,”  
“Okay, I’ll tell Pamela to expect a visit from you. Right, are you experiencing any feelings of sadness, or depression in general?”  
“You could say that, sure,”  
“Care to explain,”  
“I’m bored, tired, I hate myself more than usual because I’m not doing anything productive, I don’t get angry as much but basically everything frustrates me,” Dean ranted.   
“Okay, have you tried focusing on things you like to do?”  
“I like to drink and fix cars, the last time I checked there isn’t a bar or a work shop here,”  
“Maybe you could find other things to occupy your time, reading or maybe gardening,” Doctor Crowley suggested. Dean scoffed his reply and rolled his eyes, thinking those were ridiculous ideas.   
“I’m going to increase the dosage of your medication to counteract the negative feelings, for the time being I’d like you to find something that you enjoy doing,” the doctor announced.  
“Sure, what else have I got to do?” Dean nodded, “just so you know, they already had me on some pretty heavy stuff over there, they probably sent you my file,”  
“They have, yes, but I haven’t read it yet,” Doctor Crowley said, patting a stack of papers.   
“You’re not going to be very impressed with me after you read it, there was a fair bit of trouble when I first arrived but I think I’ve got my head screwed on,” Dean admitted.   
“Were you the one that caused all of the trouble?” Doctor Crowley mused.  
“Mostly,”  
“Why?”  
“I was panicked and pissed, so I took it out on anyone around me in the only way I know how,”  
“Are you still panicked and pissed?”  
“Not so much anymore,”  
“That’s good, believe it or not but that’s progress,”  
“I’ll choose to believe that,”  
“Brilliant, now, you said that the only way you know how to deal is with violence, is that how you’ve reacted to everything that’s threatened you in your life?”  
“Yeah, every time I’ve ever felt threatened I’ve had to defend myself. Whether it be fighting off my dad or school yard bullies, that’s how I’ve always had to react,”  
“And now that’s the only way you can react?”  
“It would seem so,”  
“Okay, well, now that you’ve got a bit of control over the anger, we can work on other strategies for you so you can react in more civil ways when confronted,”  
“Sure,” Dean agreed.  
“I want you to settle back in before we do though, I think we need to take things slow with you, so you have time to accept things and adapt,”  
“You’re the doc, Doc,”   
“That I am, is there anything else?”  
“I’d like to make a call if I could,”  
“I’m afraid outside calls aren’t allowed but I can organise a visitor for you,”  
“That’d be good,”  
“Sure thing, who would you like to see?”  
“Bobby Singer, he’s an old family friend,”  
“Alright, is he your emergency contact?”  
“He should be, if not, call this number,” Dean said, scribbling down a phone number on a note pad.  
“I’ll organise it,” the doctor agreed.  
“Thanks, Crowley,” Dean said as he stood, but remembered his ring at the last second, “I believe you have something of mine,”   
“Yes, your ring,” Doctor Crowley nodded, pulling the band from a draw, “don’t make me regret giving this back to you,” the doctor warned, passing over the ring. Dean smiled as he took it, a sense of relief washing over him as he put it back on. He left the office with a small wave. 

Dean wandered around the vaguely familiar halls, grateful for the fact that he had enough freedom to go where he pleased. He bumped into Charlie as he rounded a corner and smiled, the nurse perking up at the sight of him.  
“Hey, Dean, I heard you’d be back today,”  
“Good to see you too, Charlie, how are you going?”  
“I’m doing good, thanks, are you on your way to see Cas?”  
“Awesome, yeah, I might as well. Do you know where he is?”  
“He should be in his room, you two are still sharing by the way,” Charlie grinned. Dean gave her a smile and practically skipped to his old room. He stopped in the door way and coughed to announce his presence to Castiel, who was lying on his bed reading. Castiel looked up and stared at the figure in his doorway before launching himself at Dean. He laughed and pressed kisses all over his face.   
“Dean, I didn’t think you’d be back today,” Castiel gasped.  
“I wasn’t supposed to be back yet,” Dean said, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s shoulders.   
“When were you supposed to be back?” Castiel frowned.  
“Not for another month or so,” Dean admitted.  
“Then why are you back?” Castiel questioned, reaching up to touch a bruise on Dean’s face.   
“Crowley pulled a few strings, determining that I was adjusted enough,” Dean said, flinching away from the touch. Castiel nodded slowly, fixing his collar so that Dean wouldn’t see the fresh cuts that lined his collar bones.  
“What was the max unit like?” Castiel asked.  
“It was a challenge,” Dean answered, noticing what Castiel was doing.  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah,” Dean said, reaching out to the collar of Castiel’s shirt, “what’s this?”  
“Exactly what you think,” Castiel said as he whacked Dean’s hand away. Dean looked worryingly at the other man, stepping closer to him, he touched the side of his neck and quickly pulled at his shirt, revealing the cuts.  
“Why?” Dean breathed a he stared at the long, red, marks. Castiel couldn’t bring himself to tell Dean the whole truth, the truth that made him feel so disgusting. He chose not to tell Dean about Clarence taunting him consistently, he chose not to tell Dean about Emmanuel somehow getting control, ruining months of therapy. Castiel had given in, he had dug in nails into his skin and clawed away the flesh, desperately trying to silence his demons.   
“One of my brothers died a couple of weeks back, I hit a low and didn’t take the news well,” Castiel managed.   
“Shit, I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean said, taking the other man in his arms.   
“I feel awful, I told him time and time again that he didn’t need to visit me and now I’ll never see him again,” Castiel said, leaning into Dean, who simply help him and made soothing sounds. Dean knew too well what it feels like to lose a brother and knew that words couldn’t help. A good ten minutes passed with Castiel leaning heavily against Dean, he didn’t cry, just stood there listening to Dean’s breathing. Castiel moved back to his bed, leaving Dean standing uncomfortably on the spot.   
“I missed you,” Dean said softly.  
“I missed you, too, this room felt far too big with you gone,” Castiel replied. Dean went and sat on his own bed, watching as his hands starting to shake. Castiel watched Dean curiously, he didn’t seem so different but something was definitely off, it was as if Dean had lost the defiance that made him so confident.   
“I got used to you not being in the same room as me. I got used to being locked in a bare room for twenty two hours a day,” Dean confided. Castiel hesitated before getting up to crouch between Dean’s knees, holding onto his hands.   
“Dean,” Castiel whispered, not knowing what to say.   
“It wasn’t nice there, Cas, it wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t easy. Crowley said it would be good for me but it was torture,” Dean continued.  
“He never said it would be easy, though, did he?” Castiel asked, his gaze full of concern.  
“No, he just said that they’d be able to deal with me,” Dean replied.   
“And were they able to?”  
“Yes, they made it very clear that they were the ones in charge,”  
“And do you feel any better now?”  
“Yeah,” Dean nodded, “I don’t feel like I need to fight so much anymore,”  
“There we go, something good came out of it,” Castiel smiled, kissing one of Dean’s hands.   
“There is that,” Dean grinned shakily, gripping Castiel hands tightly. Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes, momentarily distracted by how gorgeous they were, they were easily the greenest green that he’d seen.   
“God, I’ve missed this,” Dean spoke as he stroked Castiel’s face fondly.  
“My face, or this in general?” Castiel queried.  
“Your face,” Dean answered, kissing Castiel’s nose, “your smile,” he kissed his cheek, “you,” he kissed his lips. Castiel blushed a little, stretching up to kiss back, desperation rising in him.   
“I missed your handsome face,” Castiel said as he broke away.   
“I am pretty adorable, aren’t I?” Dean laughed, holding Castiel close by the back of his head. Castiel nodded in agreement as he leant back in to claim Dean’s lips in a bruising kiss, biting at his tongue.   
“Be gentle with me,” Dean winced.  
“Sorry,” Castiel grinned sheepishly.   
“It’s alright,” Dean replied kindly, “just be patient, I haven’t had much in the way of human interaction for a long time,” Dean admitted. 

Castiel moved up to sit beside Dean, lacing their fingers together. He sat quietly, enjoying the other’s presence.   
“How have you being going, Cas, did you stay out of trouble?” Dean asked, diverting the attention off of himself.  
“For the most part, I’m doing well. Chuck and I have started making long term goals, I’m painting more landscapes and few portraits,”  
“Wow, that’s great,” Dean said as he started to kiss Castiel’s neck.   
“Yeah, I even managed to convince Balthazar to stop cheating at checkers,” Castiel replied, shuddering at the soft touches of Dean’s lips.   
“It’s kinda hard to cheat at checkers,” Dean stated as he ran his lips over Castiel’s skin.  
“Dean, if you’re gonna kiss me, do it properly,” Castiel hummed.   
“In a second,” Dean murmured, enjoying Castiel’s smooth skin for a moment longer. The black haired man rolled his eyes and lolled his head back, waiting. Dean gripped the back of Castiel’s head and pulled face to his own, kissing him properly, passionately. Castiel smiled into the kiss, tugging at the hem of Dean’s shirt.   
“Not yet,” Dean said, pulling Castiel’s hands away. Recently he had become more uncomfortable with the presence of other people, he had become more disconnected. He stood fromm the bed, needing to put some distance between him and Castiel.   
“I’ve never been able to get close to people, Cas, it was easier with you for some reason but now even being physical makes me feel a little hinky. I can’t put a whole lot of what happened in the intensive ward into words but they cut me off completely. My meals were sent to me through a slot and I only spoke to people through a glass plane. They said it was so I could concentrate on myself but they had to break something in me and they did. This is just a little too fast,” Dean explained, shifting his weight from foot to foot.   
“Oh, oh, I understand, I’m sorry, Dean,”   
“There’s no need to be,” Dean nodded, “don’t be upset, I’ll be back to my old self in no time,”  
“I’m just happy that you’re back, it’s been quite boring without you,” Castiel said, standing to take Dean’s hand.   
“I’m glad to be back as well,” Dean smiled broadly. The pair stood, enjoying each other’s presence until they heard the bell for lunch. 

Dean and Castiel sat together in the cafeteria with Balthazar and Gabriel, who chatted away about the merits of owning chickens, a common conversation between the two.   
“Has anything exciting happened since I’ve been gone?” Dean asked as he picked at his risotto.  
“There’s a few new faces, the art room got new supplies and a patient got pregnant,” Castiel listed.   
“What?” Dean gasped, chocking on his food.  
“Her name’s Lisa, I think. They found out in her monthly medical,” Castiel explained.   
“How does that even happen, in here of all places?”  
“We’re not the only ones fucking, Dean,”  
“Yeah, but there’s no evidence when it comes to us,”  
“Except for when you get loud,” Castiel shrugged.  
“Hey, I’m not that loud,” Dean said in a harsh whisper.  
“Sure sure, babe,” Castiel teased, giving Dean a look that said he thought otherwise.   
“Whatever,” Dean sighed in resignation, “do you know where I can find Pamela, Crowley wants me to see her?”  
“She’s usually in the bean bag room, it’s next to the meeting room,” Castiel explained.   
“Great, walk me there,” Dean commanded, picking up their trays and discarding them. Castiel nodded and lead Dean across the hall.  
“This is your stop,” Castiel announced.  
“I’ll see you in a bit,” Dean responded. Castiel nodded and left Dean to go to the library. Dean watched Castiel as he walked away, admiring his arse a little. He entered the room, which per its name, was scattered with bean bags, plush couches and oversized pillows. He spotted a slender woman dressed in black sitting in the corner.  
“Hey,” Den said, a little awkwardly.   
“Hey, yourself,” Pamela smiled as she looked up, “I was wandering when I’d finally get to chat to you one on one,”  
“You know who I am?”  
“We’ve only met once but yes, I know who everyone is, kiddo,”  
“That’s not strange at all,”  
“Not at all, take a seat,” Pamela gestured to a nearby bean bag. Dean creased his brow and lowered himself into it, wobbling about before settling in.  
“These things are ridiculous,” Dean grunted.  
“But comfortable,” Pamela countered.   
“If you say so,” Dean said as he shifted around some more.  
“Alright, Dean, what can I do you for?” Pamela asked, lifting her bifocals off her face.  
“Doctor Crowley said I should come see you,” Dean answered.   
“He did say I should prioritise you,”  
“Did he now?”  
“He did,”  
“Interesting,”  
“He must think you need some urgent help,”  
“I’m sure he does,” Dean shrugged.  
“You’re gonna have to cut out the open ended answers, Dean,” Pamela stated.  
“Fine, I’m sure you’re aware of my personal history, Crowley said you’d be able to help me with my nightmares, the voices, the self-loathing,”  
“I’m aware of some of your personal life, you’re going to have to be totally open with me though, it’s the only way these sessions will work, can you do that?”  
“I can try,” Dean agreed.   
“That’s all I ask. Now, what sort of things did they have you doing in the intensive ward?”  
“Not a whole lot really, they made me go to group therapy, which usually ended badly. My sessions with the doctor didn’t go to well either, I really didn’t like him, we did a lot of breathing and trust exercises. Mostly, I was kept isolated, to think about myself,” Dean explained.   
“Did the breathing exercises work for you?” Pamela asked.   
“No, I tried, I really did, but a certain level of patience is needed, something I don’t have,”   
“We could try some mindfulness techniques then,” Pamela suggested.   
“Sure,” Dean nodded.  
“Alright then,” Pamela smiled, getting comfortable, “I want you to close your eyes and relax for a moment, completely clear your mind. When you reopen them, find something in the room you didn’t notice before, like a crack on the wall. I want you to focus on whatever you look at. Next, I want you to listen carefully and focus on one sound. Focus on things that keep your mind in the now, not the past,” Pamela instructed calmly. 

Dean did as she said and when he reopened his eyes he saw all of the cracks on the wall, he heard the creaking of doors on old hinges. He tried to focus on the little things, he tried to only see or hear one thing but out of instinct he took everything in. He fiddled with the ring on his finger and focused on how the metal glided over his skin, he was calmed by the sensation and for a second he wasn’t afraid of his past.   
“Touch is another good focal point,” Pamela commented, noticing the fiddling, “what does the ring feel like?”   
“It’s smooth, cold,” Dean said, looking down at his hands.  
“Any imperfections?”  
“It’s covered in nicks,” Dean answered as he felt the surface.   
“Do you notice anything else about it?”  
“It’s silver,” Dean answered sarcastically.   
“I think you’ve got the gist of it,” Pamela chuckled, “what do you think?”  
“I can manage it I guess, what’s it meant to achieve?”  
“It’s a distraction from negative thoughts or feelings, mainly,”  
“So, if I get angry or something like that, I think about my ring?”  
“Or anything else you can touch,”  
“Alright,” Dean nodded in understanding.   
“Does the ring have any special meaning to you?” Pamela questioned.  
“It was my mum’s,” Dean swallowed.   
“And you have a good relationship with her?”  
“I did, yeah, I loved her more than anything,”  
“You’re using past tense,” Pamela peered at Dean.   
“Yes, I am,” Dean stated.   
“Dean,” Pamela sighed impatiently,” do you remember the bit about being open with me?”  
“She died, our house caught fire and she got stuck inside,” Dean admitted plainly.   
“I’m sorry to hear that, Dean,” Pamela responded kindly.   
“Yeah, well, it happened a long time ago,”  
“It still hurts, though, doesn’t it?” Pamela gave Dean a sad look. Dean looked away and nodded slightly, he started to crack his knuckles and felt himself tensing.   
“Just try the technique I gave you in the future, alright,” Pamela suggested softly, picking up Dean’s sudden tension.   
“Sure thing,” Dean said, hauling himself off of the bean bag, “when do you want to see me again?”  
“This coming Monday, any time after lunch,” Pamela answered. Dean nodded again and left, finding himself sitting in the corner of the common room. He ignored the bell for dinner and stayed where he was. He played with his ring, remembering better days. 

Castiel had reluctantly left the library when it was time to eat, he went and got a tray, taking it back to his room. He barely ate half, feeling sick with every mouthful. He left the tray on the floor and curled up in bed, scratching at his neck, trying desperately to ignore Clarence’s incessant nattering.   
‘Stop ignoring me, Cas, you know it leads to bad things,’ Clarence whined.  
“Will you just shut up?” Castiel groaned.  
‘Just talk to me, we used to be such good friends,’  
“We were never friends, you took control of my body and ruined my life,”  
‘It’s our body, Castiel,’ Clarence hissed, ‘I have equal rights to it,’  
“You can’t have it, Clarence!” Castiel yelled.   
‘Leave him be,’ Emmanuel piped, ‘something is wrong here,’  
‘Stay out of this, Emmanuel,’ Clarence snarled, ‘he shouldn’t be in control, he’s too weak,’  
“Please,” Castiel cried, “please, just let me sleep,”  
‘Not until this is sorted,’ Clarence stated, ‘all you have to do is give me the wheel and you can stay tucked away from the world, nice and safe,’  
“No, no, no,” Castiel chanted.   
‘I’ll even take care of Dean for you, I’m beginning to really like him,’  
“No!” Castiel screamed, pressing his hand to his head. 

Dean wandered back to his room and found Castiel curled up in bed.  
“Hey,” Dean said, thinking that all was okay, “they won’t come after me for not eating will they?”  
“They might,” Castiel whispered.  
“What’s the worst they can do?” Dean sighed.   
“Berate you for not eating,”  
“That’s not so bad,” Dean shrugged, noticing how distracted Castiel was, “you alright?”  
“Yes,” Castiel replied harshly, rolling over to face the wall.  
“Are you sure?” Dean asked, perching next to the black haired man, “are you really sure?” he stroked the back of Castiel’s neck.  
“Leave me alone, Dean,” Castiel growled.  
“Hey,” Dean soothed, “what is it, Cas?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it, just fuck off,”  
“Fine, if that’s what you want,” Dean sighed, a little taken aback but didn’t snap at Castiel. He left the room and went to the library, he worried about Castiel as he played chess by himself, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to leave him alone but then again, what could he do? Castiel sat up when he heard Dean leave and pulled a sharp sliver of metal out from under his mattress, he was completely on autopilot and only had one thing one his mind. Castiel wasn’t conscious of his actions, he felt like he was floating on water. He dragged the metal across his skin, cutting long and deep down his wrists. He muffled the sounds of pain by biting down on a blanket. Within minutes he started to feel dizzy and light headed, he laid back and felt blood pouring over his limbs. Charlie was the one that found him on her medication rounds, he’d gone pale and was unconscious. She screamed for help and soon the whole ward was sent into action. Castiel was rushed to the medical bay and an ambulance was called to take him to the emergency room. Dean had no idea what was going on, there were people running past the library and he heard the echoes of shouts. His mind went instantly to Castiel, he rushed out of the library and saw Castiel being carried out of the building by paramedics. He spied Charlie and approached her.  
“What’s going on, what happened?” Dean puffed, grabbing the nurse’s shoulders and starting right at her.   
“Castiel tried to kill himself,” Charlie looked worried, jumping away from Dean.   
“Why would he do that?” Dean blanched, unable to catch his breath.   
“We don’t know, Dean, it’s only just happened. He’s been working through a really rough patch, it’s possible he didn’t know what he was doing,” Charlie explained. Dean’s face contorted in anger and pain, he clenched his fists and cracked his knuckles. His whole body started to twitch and tense, he had to use all of his will power to step away from Charlie.  
“Is he going to be alright?” Dean breathed.   
“It’s hard to say, he’ll be stabilised, then taken to the hospital, he’s lost a lot of blood,” Charlie answered. Dean nodded, swaying a little.   
“You should go get some sleep, Dean,” the nurse suggested.   
“Sure,” Dean stumbled away and went back to his room. He was too shocked to react in any way other than blind walking, he wanted to cry and scream but he felt too numb. 

When he stepped through the door of his room, Dean was stopped in his tracks and couldn’t move another step. He didn’t see the bland carpet, instead he saw kitchen tiles. He swayed where he stood, frozen in time. A few nurses were nearby, coming to clean away the blood when they saw Dean standing motionless. Ash sent for an orderly as back up before approaching Dean cautiously, he knew not to touch the patient but dared to stand close.   
“Dean?” Ash said softly, “you can’t be in here, common, let’s get you to the common room,” the nurse suggested. Dean heard Ash’s voice in the distance , he continued to sway and couldn’t move, he had no control over what he saw. He saw blood splattered over tiles, a foot and a body face down with a bullet in the back of the head. Ash didn’t try to move Dean on his own, thankful when Benny arrived on the scene. Dean looked at his hand, a recently fired pistol rested in his grip.   
“What’s going on?” Benny asked.  
“I don’t know, the blood might have triggered something,” Ash replied. Benny waved a hand in front of Dean’s face and pinched the skin of his wrist.  
“Okay, he’s unresponsive, we need to get him out of here though,” Benny announced.   
“Agreed, I’ve sent Anna to get a sedative,” Ash responded, soon later Anna arrived with a needle.  
“Alright, give it to him and I’ll catch him, Ash you help me get him to an empty room,” Benny instructed. Dean felt a prick in his thigh and soon the floor came rushing to him. Benny caught Dean as he fell and, along with Ash, carried him to another room. They placed him in bed and left Anna to watch over him for the evening.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean makes some progress and gets a visitor whilst Castiel is forced to face himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there,
> 
> I'm a terrible human being, I can't keep to what I say but seeing as how I had a spare minute I smashed this chapter out and don't want to wait till tomorrow. There isn't much else to say apart from I'm tired and please enjoy. 
> 
> xGG

The next week was particularly hard for both Castiel and Dean; Castiel had woken up in a stark white room at the emergence room, Dean had receded into himself and refused to see Pamela or Doctor Crowley. When Castiel was stable enough he was moved back to the psychiatric hospital but was kept isolated in the medical bay, he was classified as a severe case, so his movements were closely controlled. Charlie was one of the few nurses that was tasked with looking after him and was always there when he woke up in the mornings.   
“How are you feeling today, Cas?” Charlie asked one morning. Castiel did respond, much like every other morning, he was unable to shake the heavy feeling that weighed on his chest. It was a feeling of loathing; for himself, the world and for the other people in his head. Dean, himself, had spent three, maybe four, days curled up in the room that he had been moved to, ridden with catatonia. All he could think about was the night that led to him being here, the night he’d taken control of his life, he’d reverted back to the state he was in that night, a broken and dishevelled man. On top of that, he was so worried about Castiel, he missed the other’s smile and how his eyes lit up when he spoke. He had cried at the thought of losing Castiel, cried himself dry and then cried some more. Dean finally dragged himself out of his stupor and emerged to eat and spend time in the garden, he was still avoiding other people and couldn’t get out of himself but at least he was up and about. 

Charlie sat with Castiel playing cards on one of his better days, he was losing horribly which was out of character.   
“You’re horrible at this, Cas,” Charlie laughed after winning a fifth time.  
“Clarence,” the black haired man replied, shuffling the deck.  
“Excuse me?” Charlie stood, shocked.  
“My name is Clarence,” the man affirmed.   
“Oh dear, can I talk to Castiel?”  
“He’s resting,”  
“Are you sure?” Charlie asked, concern showing on her face.   
“I’m sure,” the man smiled wryly. Charlie sighed and rushed away, needing to find Doctor Shurley. When she did, the nurse informed him of what had happened.   
“Crap, alright, I’ll go see him now,” Doctor Shurley said after Charlie finished.   
“He seems quite docile at the moment,” Charlie said.   
“Good, that will make this easier,” Chuck practically marched to the medical bay with Charlie only a step behind.   
“You should come in with me, Clarence likes you,” the doctor said when they reached Castiel’s room.   
“Hello, Doctor Shurley,” Clarence said when he saw the doctor.   
“Hello, Clarence,” Doctor Shurley answered, keeping his distance, “it’s been a while,”  
“What’s it been, half a year?”  
“Close to it,”  
“My, my, how have you been?”  
“I can’t complain. What can I do for you, Clarence?”  
“I don’t think you can do anything really,”  
“Then why are you here?”  
“Because Castiel can’t be,”  
“Where is he?”  
“Don’t worry, he’s safe,” Clarence smirked, his smile unusually twisted. Doctor Shurley’s expression was grim, almost a year’s worth of work was now slowly going down the drain. Castiel hadn’t noticed when Clarence had taken over until he’d lost at cards with Charlie. He was fighting and screaming now, desperately trying to claw his way back to control. He was too weak, however, and Clarence had been bidding his time and gained enough strength to take over whilst Castiel was vulnerable.   
“You’re not the host, Clarence, I need to speak to Castiel,” Doctor Shurley said sternly.   
“He’s not available right now, would you like to leave a message?” Castiel said cheekily. Doctor Shurley resigned to the situation and left, he would have to go back to square one to get the host, Castiel, back in control of his body. Clarence was left alone with Castiel battling against the walls of the prison he’d been shoved in. Charlie meandered away sadly, Clarence was the most dangerous of the personalities in Castiel’s head and she worried about what was happening to him in there. 

Dean was sitting in the cafeteria for lunch when Charlie sat in front of him, her face contorted in concern.   
“Hey, Charlie,” Dean said tentively, pushing his tray aside.   
“There’s something you should know,” Charlie said in a hushed tone.   
“What is it?” Dean asked, stressing about what it could be.   
“It’s Cas, he no longer the dominant personality,” Charlie said slowly, unsure of how to word her explanation, “Clarence is in control,”  
“What?” Dean gasped, his breath hitching and stomach churning, “so Cas isn’t there?”  
“He’s not the one that people interact with, but he’s still in there somewhere,” Charlie said.   
“God,” Dean buried his head in his hands, he knew that Castiel had multiple personality disorder but never really thought that someone else would be in control of his body.   
“He’ll be alright, Dean, Chuck will get him back or he’ll fight his way back,” Charlie said softly.   
“Can I see him, I just need to see him?” Dean breathed.   
“Alright, I can swing that,” Charlie nodded, “follow me,” the nurse said, leading Dean to the rear of the ward.   
“Welcome to the medical bay,” Charlie said when they reached a heavy metal door. She unlocked the cordoned off section with her swipe card and showed Dean to Castiel’s room.   
“I’ve been here before but not this bit, what is this place?” Dean asked, looking around at all the empty gurneys.   
“We used it to restabilise patients, it mostly houses suicide risks and the ill,” Charlie explained.   
“Okay,”   
“That’s Cas’,” the nurse said, pointing to a closed off room. Dean peered in and saw the black haired, blue eyed, man sitting on the bed playing solitaire. It wasn’t Castiel that he saw, Dean could tell just by how he sat, with his back straight and shoulders set at an angle.   
“Do you know if Cas is alright?” Dean asked.  
“The last time I spoke to him he was pretty upset,” Charlie answered. Dean sighed and pressed his forehead against the door. He couldn’t believe that a completely different person was possessing the body of the man he’d fallen for.   
“How do we get him back, Charlie?” Dean asked after a time.  
“It’s different every time, his personalities used to switch half a dozen times a day but he had control for a very long time. He’s probably trying to get Clarence to back down as we speak but only time will tell,”  
“What’s Clarence like?”  
“He’s erratic, he’s dangerous and usually hurts others, physically and emotionally. He hates people, like really doesn’t like being around others,”  
“I want to talk to him,” Dean announced.   
“I can’t let you do that, Dean, not now at least. His interactions with people needs to be limited,” Charlie answered softly. 

Dean nodded and walked away, he couldn’t bear to watch the black haired man anymore. He felt a weight on his chest and bile rise in his throat. He barely made it out of the medical bay before his knees became weak and he needed to lean against a wall to stay standing. Charlie had rushed after him and stood by as Dean started to panic.   
“Hey, hey, bud, it’ll be alright,” Charlie soothed.   
“What if I’ve lost him, Charlie, what if he never comes back?” Dean wheezed.  
“He’s made it back plenty of times before,” Charlie assured.   
“God, oh god, fuck,” Dean cried, pressing his palms to his eyes.  
“We just gotta let Chuck work with him, Cas will be alright,” Castiel said, rubbing Dean’s back, “he cares for you, Dean, he’ll come back to you, for you,”   
“Are you sure?”   
“I’m positive,” Charlie promised. Dean nodded and wiped his face. They stood for a moment before Charlie was satisfied that Dean had calmed down and left him to go about her duties. Dean went to art therapy and set about working on a few origami pieces, just to stop his hands from shaking. He spent a while folding until he got bored and figured he should go and see Doctor Crowley. Dean found his office easily enough and knocked on the door.   
“If you’re not Dean Winchester, fuck off,” came a gruff response. Dean chuckled and opened the door.   
“Hey, Doc,” Dean said, taking his usual seat.   
“Dean, how are you?” Doctor Crowley asked, looking tired.  
“When was the last time you slept?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.   
“Three days, maybe,” the doctor counted.  
“You should get some sleep,”  
“I would if I didn’t have a mountain of work and you to keep an eye on,”  
“You’re making excuses, Crowley,”  
“And you aren’t my doctor,”  
“You don’t have to worry about me, you know,” Dean laughed.   
“You were unresponsive for half a week, that’s a perfectly good reason to be concerned,”  
“I suppose,” Dean shrugged.  
“Would you like a drink?” Doctor Crowley changed his tone.  
“As long as it’s stronger than coffee,”  
“Whiskey?”  
“Perfect,” Dean sighed, sinking into the chair. Doctor Crowley retrieved a bottle from his desk and poured them both a glass.   
“This isn’t the norm,” Dean said, taking his glass gratefully.  
“No, it’s not, but it’s been a long week,” the older man replied.   
“God, this has been a long time coming,” Dean said, downing the liquor instantly, savouring the taste.   
“Just don’t expect it to become a regular thing, you’re a recovering alcoholic, remember,”  
“I’d never assume that,” Dean smirked.   
“Right, tell me what happened,” Doctor Crowley commanded as he drank slowly. Dean played with his glass and set his jaw, sitting straighter.   
“When I walked into that room, I didn’t see the room, I saw my kitchen. I saw the pistol in my hand, I saw what I did. I relived that whole night like it was happening all over again,” Dean’s voice cracked and he had to stop talking.  
“I see, why didn’t you come to see me sooner?” Doctor Crowley interjected, not needing Dean to continue.   
“I couldn’t, just couldn’t. I needed to deal with what I did because I hadn’t thought much about it. I hadn’t really accepted that it was me that did that thing, I was scared and had completely shut down. I needed to get things straights in here,” Dean explained, pointing to his head.  
“But you don’t seem to able to say what you did out loud,”  
“I’m not there yet,”   
“Understandable. How are you feeling at current?”  
“Pretty crap,” Dean answered bluntly.  
“Do you feel haunted by what you did?” Doctor Crowley prodded.  
“I do, yes,”  
“That’s natural, Dean, you killed a man,”  
“I killed my father,” Dean blurted, feeling such a weight lift off him. He’d never actually said the words outside of his own head and felt so relieved when he did.  
“Yes, you did, you’ve admitted it but it was done in self-defence. I doubt that fact will stop haunting you but you can accept it and move on,”  
“And I have accepted it but I can’t get rid of the image, I can’t unsee all of that blood,”  
“Has blood ever triggered you before?”  
“Well, I hadn’t seen any since that night, this was the first time,”  
“Were you feeling stressed at the time?”  
“You could say that,” Dean nodded, looking away.  
“Alright, we’ll have to make sure that you avoid that trigger,”  
“Shouldn’t be too hard,”  
“You’re not wrong,” Doctor Crowley finished his drink and resting on his elbows, “is there anything I can do for you outside of probing therapy?”  
“Did you get in touch with Bobby?”  
“I’ve called several times, but with no answer,”  
“Call this number,” Dean sighed, rolling his eyes as he wrote down an alternative phone number of a scrap piece of paper, “this is an emergency back up,”  
“I’ll call tomorrow morning,” Doctor Crowley said, taking the paper.   
“Sure, just don’t be deterred when he starts yelling at you, I’m the only one who should have that number,”  
“I won’t be,”  
“He’s a grumpy old coot really, but the closest thing I have to a father,”  
“It’s good that you have a positive parental figure,” Doctor Crowley nodded, jotting a few things down.   
“Yeah, he’s great, he was dad’s best friend but he hated it when Bobby taught Sam and I how to throw a ball or how to talk to girls,” Dean said fondly.   
“You admire him, don’t you?”  
“I really do,”  
“That’s great, he could be part of your support network,”  
“Neither of us would mind that,”  
“Good,” Doctor Crowley glanced at his watch, “now shoo, I have to get back to work,”  
“See you round,” Dean stood and left, he started to feel a little more confident with himself but the weight on his chest wasn’t entirely gone. He made for the garden and instantly picked a few lavender buds, smelling them as he settled under a tree, momentarily forgetting his worries. 

After dinner Charlie went to find Dean, she wanted to check in on him and had some news he’d find pleasing.   
“Hey, Dean,” Charlie said almost cheerfully, she’d found him sitting in the common room reading a magazine.   
“Hey,” Dean replied, looking up.  
“How are you going?”  
“Better, after seeing Crowley,”  
“Good, I’ve got some news,”  
“What is it?”  
“Doctor Shurley spent the day with Clarence and Castiel somehow managed to regain control, he’s a bit on edge and panicked but he’s back,”  
“That’s brilliant,” Dean beamed, sighing in relief.   
“It’s still touch and go, but I thought you’d like to know that progress has been made,”  
“Yes, god, thank you,”  
“Pleasure,”  
“When can I see him?”  
“Another day or two, I suspect, depending on how he’s going,”  
“Alright, thank again,” Dean nodded, smiling from ear to ear.   
“You’re very welcome,” Charlie grinned, leaving Dean to his reading.

Castiel was glad for the quiet, Doctor Shurley had been with him all day but now he sat alone. He didn’t know how he took back the wheel, he thought that Emmanuel might have helped but he’d beaten Clarence down and for that he was thankful. He was jittery, though, and couldn’t settle down, Castiel needed to stay sharp to avoid getting shoved to the passenger’s seat again. He was so twitchy and wouldn’t calm down, so much so that he had to be sedated and lightly restrained. He fought to stay awake but eventually succumbed. Castiel was kept under constant supervision, Doctor Shurley often stayed close by to keep him calm but there wasn’t much anyone could do. Castiel ate when food came, wanting to keep his strength up, but mostly he did a lot of self-reflection and meditation. He was missing Dean immensely but didn’t want him to see him like this. Dean hadn’t seen Castiel, really seen him, for close to two weeks now and the loneliness was starting to get to him. He ate alone, walked around alone and sat alone. He would go outside but the weather was starting to turn cold. He was sick of being so friendless and entertained the possibility of introducing himself to some other patients. He’d gotten news that Bobby was coming to visit the next day and was ecstatic to finally see him. 

 

oOo

 

The following day at breakfast, Dean ate quickly, practically jumping off the walls, he was that excited to see Bobby. He went to the visitor’s centre and waited for his surrogate father to arrive. When Bobby was shown in, Dean rushed to him and embraced him in the biggest hug he could manage.   
“Steady on,” Bobby chuckled, hugging Dean right back.   
“God, it’s good to see you,” Dean laughed.   
“How are you going, Dean?” Bobby asked after they had sat down.   
“I’m going well, today,” Dean replied.   
“Today?”  
“The past few months have been rough, Bobby, but today I’m well and I’m always told to take it a day at a time,”  
“I’m glad for that at least,”  
“I’m getting better, Bobby, I promise,”  
“I believe you, Dean, you’re looking better. The lack of alcohol has done you good,”  
“It was tough going at the start but I’m being treated well and getting the help that has been too long coming,”  
“Good, you were always too much of a trouble maker,” Bobby smiled, “do you have any idea when they might let you out?”  
“No,” Dean looked a little sad, “my doctor estimates a year but it’s undetermined,”  
“Damn, how is your doctor?”  
“He’s a dick but he’s helping a lot,”  
“As long as he is helping,”  
“He is, it’s hard sometimes but he forces me to work through it,”  
“Good, we’re all really missing you at the shop,”  
“I’m sure you’re handling things without me,”  
“Struggling to, good mechanics are hard to come by,”  
“So, I’ll still have a job, for when I’m finally out of here?”  
“Boy, you’ll have a job for life,”  
“Thank you, Bobby,”  
“Don’t mention it, it’s the least I can do,”  
“You don’t owe me anything, you know that right?”  
“Dean, I should have taken you boys away from your daddy when I had the chance, the least I can do it help you have a stable future,” Bobby stated.   
“Why didn’t you?”  
“Take you boys? I couldn’t do that to your old man after your mother died, then it was too late when he started dragging you two across the country and back,”  
“I wish you had,” Dean started to crack his knuckles, looking away.   
“Yes, but now what’s happened has happened,”  
“And I’m the one that has to live with it,” Dean replied grimly.   
“You don’t have to live with everything on your own,” the older man responded softly, “now, enough chick flick moments, I want you to tell me everything that’s been happening,” Bobby ordered. Dean obliged, proceeding to tell Bobby the events of the past few months. From being at the emergency room to being admitted, he told him about the intensive ward, his therapy and Castiel. He didn’t go into too many details about Castiel but Bobby got the picture.  
“Is it a good idea to be with someone in here?” Bobby asked when Dean was finished.   
“I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m rather taken with him,”  
“It sounds it, you’re glowing,”  
“He’s fantastic, Bobby, he’s accepted me, scars and all,” Dean smiled happily.   
“Well, someone has to,”  
“We’re both as damaged as each other and we get along so well,”  
“You don’t have to convince me, Dean, as long as you know what you’re doing,”  
“I think I do,” Dean nodded, he stayed silent for a time and didn’t get to say anything more before Cole stepped in and told Dean that his time was up.  
“You’ve got group therapy now, Dean,” Cole said firmly.   
“Alright,” Dean nodded, hugging Bobby goodbye, the other promising to visit again soon. 

Dean avoided group therapy, not really wanting to deal with other people or their problems, he went to his room and slept until dinner. As he was finishing off the last bites of his meal, Charlie sat down to join him with a container of reheated food of her own.   
“Heard you had a visitor today,” Charlie said.  
“I did, yeah,” Dean smiled.   
“You look happy,”  
“I am, today was a good day,”  
“Good to hear,”  
“What about your day?”  
“Better than yesterday,” Charlie shrugged, finding it odd that a patient was asking her about her day, “Cas is being quite responsive today, I’ll have to check with Chuck but you should be able to see him tomorrow,”  
“Awesome,” Dean said, brightening up a little more, “I’m glad to hear that, but if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with Pamela,”  
“See you round,” Charlie beamed. Dean smiled back at her and went to find Pamela, she was in the bean bag room like usual.   
“Hey, Pam,” Dean said as he entered.  
“Hey you, we missed you in group today,” Pamela smiled.   
“I wasn’t feeling it,” Dean shrugged.   
“Fair enough, what’s up?”  
“Have you been smoking?” Dean asked, noticing the spent butts on the window sill.  
“Maybe, why don’t you sit down?” Pamela responded.   
“You’re not meant to be smoking on the grounds,” Dean said, sitting down.   
“So the signs say,” Pamela rolled her eyes, “you haven’t answered my question,”  
“You know full well I deflect attention off myself,”  
“I know, it’s ridiculous and a little bit frustrating,”  
“Yet amusing,” Dean grinned.   
“Are you doing the exercises I gave you? Are they helping?”  
“I think so, whenever I get riled up or panicked, I feel for my ring and think of my mum,”  
“And does it calm you down?”  
“It does, yeah,”  
“Good, it’s serving its purpose then,”  
“Yeah, I have no intentions of being sent back to the intensive ward,”  
“That’s the attitude you need to have to get outta here altogether,”  
“I’m keen to get out as soon as possible,”  
“Not too soon though, you need to be ready to get back out there,”  
“And I want to get ready quickly,” Dean pressed.   
“If you say so. Now, why’re you here, you haven’t told me?”  
“I have an appointment with you,” Dean raised an eyebrow.  
“My appointments are never something you have to attend, so don’t play that card on me,” Pamela sighed, “why are you in the hospital, Dean?”  
“How is it you can always see through me?” Dean smiled, hiding how uncomfortable he was.   
“I’m just that skilled,” Pamela grinned, “now answer the question,”  
“I’m sure you already know,” Dean said, dropping his smile and setting his jaw. He knew he could trust Pamela but was still hesitant to talk about a few things.   
“Not all of it,”  
“I’ll tell you if you promise me something, don’t judge me,”  
“Pinky promise, I won’t judge you at all,” Pamela said, crossing her heart.   
“Right, here goes,” Dean hesitated, preparing himself, “my brother killed himself a couple of years ago and my father blamed it on me, he hated us both but not so much Sam. I moved out soon after, I’d just turned twenty, but I had to go back to the house to pick up a couple of things, I don’t remember, if I’d just stayed away I wouldn’t be here,” Dean sighed, trailing off.  
“Stay with me, Dean,” Pamela encouraged.   
“My father and I got into a fight, he’d been drinking like usual and it got pretty bad. My skull was cracked and I had a few broken ribs but he was worse,” Dean voice caught in his throat and he had to pause to calm himself, he took his ring from his finger so he could hold it tight, “when he realised that he was losing, he pulled a gun on me, I managed to wrestle it from him and before I knew what was happening he was on the floor with a bullet in his head. I didn’t have any control over anything after that, I ran outside and somehow found a tire iron, I pretty much destroyed his car and then collapsed in a sobbing mess. The neighbours called the police and when they arrived they saw the state I was in and called an ambulance. I was taken to the hospital, where I was patched up and deemed mentally unstable,” Dean was on the verge of tears by the time he’d finished, he forced himself to sink into the bean bag to avoid jumping up and punching a wall.  
“Oh honey, I’m amazed you’ve made it this far with therapy so quickly, that’s a lot to cope with,” Pamela said after a moment.   
“The sad thing is, that was the best day of my life, to finally be free of him,” Dean said, “you think I’m a psycho, don’t you?” Dean asked after Pamela didn’t respond.   
“No, not at all,” Pamela assured.   
“Even though I took a sick pleasure in seeing my own father dead,”  
“After what he put you through, it’s a natural reaction, as long as you’re not going to go out and do it again,”  
“Once is too much for me,”   
“Good to know,”  
“Hey, Pam, what do you think of me?” Dean asked, more out of curiosity than anything else.  
“I think you’ve had a hard life and acted accordingly,”  
“You think I acted, have acted, appropriately?”  
“I do, he was going to kill you, or at least maim you. By the sounds of it you had years of repressed emotions that overwhelmed you. It’s only to be expected that you’d react the way you did,”  
“Repressed emotions?” Dean laughed bitterly.   
“Hatred for your father, for what he put you through,”  
“It’s not just him I hate, you know,”  
“You’re a self-loather?”  
“I’m ninety percent crap, Pam, there’s bound to be at least a hint on self-hatred here,”  
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, I think it’s more like twenty percent crap, however,”  
“Who else is going to be?”  
“Doctor Crowley and I can be,” Pamela paused and grabbed a note pad from her bag, “here, take this and write down ten good and two bad things about yourself,”  
“It won’t be a very long list,” Dean nodded, taking the note pad.  
“I’m sure you can manage ten,” Pamela encouraged.   
“We’ll see,”  
“What’s bothering you, Dean?”  
“A lot of things bother me; they only serve pie once a week, they force me to sleep and there’s no alcohol, I have a list if you wanna see,”  
“I’m sure you do, but that’s not it. How are you coping?”  
“I’m lonely,” Dean shrugged, “and utterly bored,”  
“Aren’t you in a shared room?”  
“Not anymore, they moved me to a single room after what happened,” Dean trailed off, fiddling with his ring.  
“Have you tried making friends?” Pamela asked, knowing to steer away from the subject of Castiel.   
“I’ve thought about making friends,” Dean pointed out.  
“Two totally different things, you haven’t put in the effort,”  
“It’s kinda hard to make friends here, most people avoid me like the plague,”  
“True, but a lot of people here are socially maladjusted,”  
“Do you think I’m socially maladjusted?”  
“Just a little bit,” Pamela winked.  
“Thanks, Pam,” Dean got up to leave, satisfied with the session, “see you later,”  
“Bye, Dean,” Pamela waved, watching Dean leave. He went to the common room and sat in usual spot in the far corner, he opened the note pad and wrote down ‘I’m adorable’ before stuffing it in his pocket.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey,
> 
> it's not early in the morning but it's still Monday, so here is chapter seven. No summary because those things are hard but this chapter is a little intense and reality has to be suspended. 
> 
> Again, I hope you all enjoy what I have to offer this week. Comments, complaints and compliments are always accepted like usual. 
> 
> xGG

The next morning, Charlie went to find Dean, Doctor Shurley had approved a short visit for him and Castiel, and Charlie was keen to cheer the later up as much as she could.  
“Hey, kiddo,” Charlie said as Dean left the cafeteria, “wanna come see Cas?”  
“Do you really have to ask?” Dean smiled broadly.  
“Alright, c’mon,” Charlie grinned.  
“How’s he doing, Charlie?” Dean asked as he followed the nurse to the medical bay.  
“He’s stable enough, still a little fragile, though. He’s been asking for you but be gentle, things still haven’t quite settled. He’s sedated, so he’ll be a bit dopey but perfectly coherent,” Charlie explained.  
“Okay, I’ll play it careful,” Dean replied as they arrived at Castiel’s room, the man in question was sitting on the floor building a card house. Charlie smiled as she opened the door and allowed Dean to enter.  
“Cas, look who’s here to see you,” Charlie announced, the nurse remained just outside of the door, keeping it open just a crack. Castiel looked up and his whole face lifted when he saw Dean.  
“Cas,” Dean sighed happily, approaching the black haired man.  
“Dean,” Castiel winced as he scrambled to his feet, knocking over his cards. Dean enveloped him in his arms, hugging him tightly, never wanting to let go.  
“Careful,” Castiel warned but hugging back regardless, “how are you?”  
“Better now,” Dean said, letting Castiel go, only to start planting chaste kisses all over his face, “what about you?”  
“On the mend,” Castiel laughed, moving to sit back down.  
“Good, good,” Dean responded, following Castiel to the floor. Castiel couldn’t bear to look Dean in the eye, he fidgeted uncomfortably and kept his gaze fixed on the floor.  
“Hey, hey, look at me, Cas, it’s alright,” Dean said as he took Castiel’s hand in his own, noticing the bandages around his wrists. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt, if he hadn’t left Castiel alone this might have been avoided.   
“No, not everything is alright, I broke and now I’m back at square one,” Castiel mumbled.  
“But now you know how to play the game, things will be alright,” Dean assured, stroking the back of Castiel’s hand with a thumb.   
“Dean,” Castiel sighed tiredly.  
“Castiel,” Dean echoed.  
“I’m happy to see you, but,”  
“But nothing,” Dean interrupted, “how’s your head going?” he looked at the other man worryingly.   
“Fine,” Castiel said, scooting away from Dean slightly, “I’d really like a distraction though, like what I did for you when you needed it,”  
“Is that a subtle way of asking me for my origin story?” Dean said, huffing out a laugh.  
“Maybe,” Castiel grinned cheekily.   
“Okay, might as well, everyone else already knows,” Dean took a deep breath and looked straight at Castiel, “I’m here because I killed my father, because I have a lifetime’s worth of trauma and I don’t regret what I did what so ever. The scars you saw the first time we, you know, weren’t all from accidents, pretty much all of them were from him,” Dean paused, wringing out his hands, he decided that he needed visual aids and removed his shirt, “this one,” he pointed to a scar beneath his ribs, “my father stabbed me with a kitchen knife after he found out that I’m gay, and this one,” he pointed to one on the nape of his neck, “he threw pieces of a glass at me after I dropped it,” Dean then continued to point out all of his scars, explaining to Castiel how he got them. They ranged from protecting his little brother to being in his father’s war path, some were for being too clumsy or too lazy, all where the result of his father’s demented idea of punishment. The cigarette burns were from when Dean’s father was feeling merciful, the man had tortured Dean and his son had managed to keep himself in one piece.  
“Dean, I,” Castiel tried to console the other man but Dean held up his hand to silence Castiel.  
“Let me finish, that’s just half of it. My mother died in a house fire when I was four and my brother committed suicide when I was twenty, my whole life has been one tragedy after another, Cas. I push people away because I’m not worthy to be loved, or liked, or anything. I am the worse thing to walk this earth, I’m not smart or worthy, I am nothing,” Dean said, pulling his shirt back on and sitting down, his head in his hands, trying to hide the tears that slowly ran down his face.   
“I scream in my sleep because all I dream about his him torturing me or my little brother, I eat quickly because I know that my food could be taken away at any moment and I eat silently because I don’t want to upset the peace,” Dean continued, chocking to a halt. 

Castiel was shocked into silence, not quite able to really comprehend what had been done to Dean.  
“God, I’m surprised you aren’t stark raving mad or catatonic,” Castiel murmured, “Dean, you’re not the worst thing on earth, you aren’t nothing, certainly not to me,”  
“You’re wrong, Cas, you need to hate me,” Dean said, trying not to stammer, “I have never done anything of worth, my brother died because of me and there’s no coming back from that,”  
“I could never hate you,” Castiel stated.  
“Why?” Dean cried, tears pouring now, “how could you not despise someone as broken as me?”  
“Broken people don’t need to be despised, they need loyalty and love, if nothing else,” Castiel made Dean look up, gently kissing his face, “your brother’s death was not your fault, it was his choice, you didn’t lead him to it, if anything, blame it on your father.” Dean nodded, accepting the kiss from Castiel.   
“I couldn’t protect him, that was my one job,”  
“You couldn’t protect him from himself, don’t ever think that I’ll judge you or hate you for anything, okay?”  
“Okay,” Dean confirmed, wiping his face.  
“Good,” Castiel said, pressing another kiss to Dean’s face.  
“You’re amazing, you’re so amazing to me,” Dean said.  
“I treat you how you deserve to be treated, Dean,” Castiel said.  
“Thank you, thank you so much,” Dean said, smiling sadly. Castiel felt his heart ache for Dean at that smile, leaning in to press a lingering kiss on his lips.   
“You’re welcome,” Castiel said. Dean kissed Castiel right back, pressing his tongue into the other’s mouth, running his fingers through his black hair.   
“Someday,” Castiel said, breaking the kiss slowly, “if you let me, I’ll kiss all of your scars,”  
“Maybe,” Dean replied wryly, very aware of how exposed he had become.   
“Not right now, but someday,” Castiel said.  
“Maybe,” Dean repeated, cupping Castiel’s face in his hands. Castiel smiled a little smile, leaning into Dean’s shoulder, breathing onto his neck, taking in his scent. Dean held Castiel tightly, staying quiet and enjoying the moment. 

Dean managed to steady his breathing, matching his breaths to Castiel’s, feeling completely calm with the other man resting against him.  
“What are we?” Castiel finally spoke up. Dean broke away, creasing his brow, concerned and confused.   
“Right now, we are nothing, we can’t be anything whilst we’re in here,” Dean stated, gaining a disappointed look from Castiel, “you can’t call me anything, we’ll be split up if anyone finds out about us,” Dean continued sternly.  
“Okay,” Castiel muttered.  
“I mean it, Cas,” Dean took his face in his hands and looked straight into his eyes.  
“I told Chuck,” Castiel said after being quiet for a moment.  
“Wait, what, what did you tell him?” Dean gaped.   
“I told him about you, about us,” Castiel admitted.   
“And, what did he say?” Dean drew in a nervous breath.   
“He said to focus on things that make me happy, meaning you,”  
“Alight, and he’s not going to split us up or anything?”  
“No,” Castiel shook his head, “as long as we keep it on the down low,”  
“Okay, that’s good, we can handle that,” Dean replied, letting out a breath of relief, “it’s been boring without you,” Dean offered to change the subject.   
“They leave me alone in here unless I have a therapy session, I don’t like it, it’s either too loud or too quiet, and I miss you,” Castiel blurted.   
“I know the feeling, bud, it sucks I know but you’ll get through it,” Dean said, pressing a kiss to Castiel’s hand.   
“I can’t do this anymore,” Castiel started, “Dean, what if I snap again? What if I hurt you or actually succeed in killing myself?” Castiel asked, clearly starting to panic.  
“Hey, everything will be fine, I promise. You won’t hurt me, you’re too scrawny and weak. I’m staying right here, and so are you,” Dean soothed.  
“I meant I might hurt you emotionally,” Castiel sighed, his fingers tracing patterns over Dean’s hand.  
“I don’t think you could do anymore damage to me,” Dean tried to laugh but it fell short. Castiel was silent for a time, he needed to concentrate, he’d shoved Clarence out of the driver’s seat but he was still in the car causing havoc, trying to drive them off the road. Castiel was slowly losing his grip again but fought to hold on, he was still weak and Clarence had built up so much strength that it would only be a matter of time until he took over again, and it would be easy for him to do it.   
‘Come on, Cas, you’re scared of what you’re gonna do to Dean, let me take the wheel and you won’t be able to hurt him,’ Clarence goaded. Castiel tried to ignore him but Emmanuel was agreeing that he needed a rest. If he let go for a second, Castiel feared what Dean might meet.  
“Cas, look at me,” Dean urged, picking up on his distraction.   
“Why?” the black haired man said, obliging and shifting on the spot.   
“What have they done to you?” Dean asked, absently as he searched Castiel’s eyes.   
“What are you talking about?”  
“I don’t know, something has changed,” Dean said.   
“I’m fine,” the black haired man shrugged.  
“As long as you say you’re alright,” Dean said, kissing his temple.  
“I’m okay,” the other man smirked slyly. Dean saw the smirk and somehow knew that his suspicion was well founded, he jumped to his feet and stared down at the man before him.   
“You’re not Cas,” Dean growled.   
“I was wandering how long it was going to take you to notice,” Clarence said, “you’re quicker than I thought,”  
“Give him back to me,” Dean threatened.   
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, he really needs to stay where he is,” Clarence replied, cocking his head cheekily.   
“You bastard,” Dean hissed.  
“Oh Dean, please don’t be childish,” Clarence cooed, “I’ve been wanting to meet you for some time now,”  
“And I never wanted to lay eyes on you,” Dean responded, he knew it was Castiel’s body but his whole posture changed and his expressions were different.   
“I’ve been watching you, Dean, both you and Castiel, he really does love you, which is slightly pathetic,” Clarence rolled his eyes and stood to meet Dean face to face.  
“You’re the one that’s pathetic, taking over a body that isn’t yours,” Dean spat.  
“Oh, it’s as much mine as it is his,” Clarence sighed.  
“He doesn’t deserve this,”  
“And I don’t deserved being shoved in a prison,” Clarence retorted. Dean’s whole body started to shake with anger, he cracked his knuckles and couldn’t bear the smug smirk that was plastered across his face anymore. Dean lunged at the black haired man and threw him against the wall.  
“Give him back,” Dean seethed.  
“Can’t,” Clarence smiled, punching Dean in the stomach. Dean winced at the impact but returned the gesture by slamming an elbow into the other man’s jaw, following up with a knee to his side.   
“Give him back,” Dean yelled, flinging a punch into the black haired man’s face.   
“You can’t make me,” Clarence slurred, kicking Dean in the chest, forcing the breath out of him. Dean gripped the other man’s hair and forced his face into his knee, he gripped his collar and forced the other man to the ground. Dean pinned the other down, wrapping his hands around his throat and pressing.   
“You can and you will,” Dean growled.  
“Not whilst I still have breath,”  
“Then I will take it from you,” Dean tightened his grip, the man under him struggled, getting more feeble by the second. It didn’t even register to Dean that he was killing Castiel’s body, all he was concerned with was forcing Clarence to give up control. 

Castiel almost broke when he saw Dean’s hands around his throat, he raged and scratched and fought. He used that anger to fuel his fight. Whilst Clarence fought against Dean, Castiel fought against Clarence.   
“Cas, please, come back to me,” Castiel heard Dean cry. He waited until his body was on the edge of slipping into unconsciousness before pressing his last attack. He yanked back the wheel, shoving Clarence away. Castiel slipped back into control and managed to bundle Clarence into his own little prison at the same time. Castiel saw black spots in his vision and pawed at Dean’s hands.  
“D-Dean, Dean,” Castiel gasped, “Dean, it’s me.” Dean saw the change in those blue eyes and instantly removed his hands from Castiel’s throat.   
“Oh, God,” Dean breathed, hating himself more than ever now. Castiel lay prone, catching his breath.  
“It’s me, Dean,” Castiel murmured.  
“How?”  
“You,” Castiel coughed.   
“I’m so sorry,” Dean said.  
“Yes,” Castiel replied, wiping some blood from his face.  
“It wasn’t you that I,” Dean trailed off.  
“No, it wasn’t,”  
“Oh shit, Cas, I’m so sorry,” Dean pleaded.  
“I know,” Castiel sat up, the dizziness subsiding. Dean crept over to him and touched his face lightly.   
“It’s alright, Dean,” Castiel sighed, leaning into Dean’s hand. He knew that Dean wasn’t hurting him but he still felt the pain.   
“Cas,” Dean said, tears welling up.  
“Just hold on, I need to make sure he’s gone for now,” Castiel explained, steadying his breath.   
“I’m so sorry,” Dean said again.  
“It’s more than he deserved,” Castiel pressed, he couldn’t stand to see Dean crying over him. He scooted in to steal a kiss, silencing him.   
“I don’t care what you did to him,” Castiel said.  
“But it was you as well,”  
“No, it wasn’t, I didn’t feel any of it,” Castiel assured, lying through his teeth.   
“You sure?”  
“I’m sure,” Castiel said, even though he was the one hurting, he comforted Dean, stroking the back of his neck.  
“I love you, Dean,” Castiel confessed. Dean didn’t reply, he moved to wrap an arm around Castiel, who moved away, looking at Dean sternly.   
“I mean it, Dean,” Castiel said.  
“I’m sure you do,” Dean nodded, pulling Castiel to his feet, the other man nodded sadly and looked away.   
“What’s wrong?” Dean asked.  
“Nothing,”   
“Spit it out, Cas,” dean said plainly.  
“It’s not a mutual feeling, is it?” Castiel frowned.  
“Of course it’s mutual, it’s just harder for me to say,” Dean ground his teeth. Castiel cupped Dean’s face between his hands, forcing him to look at him.  
“Just try,” Castiel urged, Dean stared at his bruised face, he tried to get the words out but they caught in his throat.  
“Trust me, the feeling is mutual, but I can’t,”  
“Fine,” Castiel sighed, giving up and moving to the bed to sit down.   
“I don’t really know what to say right now,” Dean frowned, Castiel didn’t respond, just tugged at his bandages.   
“What do you want from me, Cas, what do you expect me to say?”  
“I don’t know what I want from you, I just…I don’t know, maybe a little commitment,” Castiel said, looking down and seeing blood seeping through his bandages.   
“Charlie!” Castiel called, “I’m bleeding through my bandages again.” When Charlie heard Castiel call she rushed into the room and halted when she saw his face.   
“Blimey, what happened to you?” Charlie asked, gripping Castiel’s chin, “what did you do?” she scowled at Dean.  
“He met Clarence, don’t mind him,” Castiel pleaded.  
“I’m reporting him to Doctor Crowley when I’m done here,” the nurse announced. Dean nodded and stood aside, helpless.  
“I don’t know what to expect from you,” Castiel spoke up whilst Charlie worked.   
“Then don’t expect anything from me,” Dean blurted, regretting what he said as soon as it came out of his mouth. Castiel’s expression turned unreadable.  
“Get out, Dean,” Castiel muttered. Dean’s heart broke at the look Castiel gave him, he cracked his knuckles and nodded, leaving without another word. Dean hated himself for what he had said, Castiel should expect the world from him because that’s what he was willing to give. Yet, something as simple as saying ‘I love you’ when it was true tripped him up. He sat alone in the garden, listening to the birds chirping and picked at the grass, allowing himself to wallow in self-loathing. 

 

oOo

 

That afternoon, Charlie joined Dean in the garden, he had skipped lunch and she knew that he enjoyed being outside, so it wasn’t hard to find him.   
“He’s okay,” Charlie said straight up, she had brought left over pizza to eat on her break and offered a piece to Dean.  
“I hurt him, though,” Dean replied, accepting the pizza.   
“You did, but he’s tougher than you think,”  
“You haven’t reported me to Doctor Crowley yet,” Dean observed.  
“Castiel talked me out of it, he made the point that you’d just be sent back the max unit indefinitely and that it was Clarence you were hurting, I can’t condone what you did but for him, I’m willing to leave it be,”  
“What will the explanation be when people start asking questions?”  
“I’m sure we’ll think of something,”  
“Do you know what Chuck plans on doing about us?” Dean asked as he picked at the slice in his hands.   
“Nothing that I know of,”  
“Really? Isn’t that against some sort of protocol?”  
“Technically, but he understands that you two are good for each other, not just as a couple but mentally as well,”  
“We’re at each other’s throats half the time,” Dean pointed out, finishing his pizza.  
“Yet, he’s made more progress since you’ve been here than anyone could have imagined and your whole attitude has changed. Yes, therapy has helped you but you two anchor each other,” Charlie explained sincerely.   
“Do you really think we work together?”  
“I really do,” Charlie smiled.   
“That actually helps, thanks, Charlie,” Dean replied, giving the nurse a small smile.  
“Anytime, kiddo. Do you want to see Cas tomorrow?”  
“No, I don’t think so, I should give him some time to simmer down,”  
“It won’t take him long, I’ll let you know how he’s going anyway,”  
“That’d be good,” Dean responded. A moment of silence lapsed between the two before Dean bucked up the courage to ask a question that had been on his mind for some time now.  
“Hey, Charlie, what was Cas like before I got here?”  
“Much the same really, he moped around more and was resigned to living at the mercy of his other personalities, but it was the early days that were difficult,”  
“How do you mean?”  
“His moods were more erratic and his personalities changed regularly. Every day was a struggle for him, for a really long time, he was more closed off,” Charlie admitted.   
“Bloody hell,” Dean breathed, “and he’s relapsing back to that?”  
“I’m afraid so, he’s attempted suicide twice before since he’s been here and I was terrified he’d succeed this time,” Charlie trailed off, questioning why she was telling Dean all of this.   
“Why did he try this time?” Dean asked, more to himself then to Charlie.  
“We don’t know, Chuck reckons he might have another personality whose sole objective is to die,”  
“How? What?” Dean asked, a look of disgusted astonishment washing over his face.   
“It happens sometimes,” Charlie responded softly.  
“It happens sometimes,” Dean mimicked, seething. His temper started to rise and he was fiddling with his ring.  
“Dean, we honestly don’t know. Sometimes stress triggers it or anxiety or it could be something else entirely,”  
“He of all people deserves to get better, Charlie,” Dean stated.   
“I know,” the nurse agreed. Dean sighed and laid back, covering his face to block out the sun.   
“I should go,” Charlie announced after another awkward silence.   
“Sure,” Dean replied, “thanks again,”  
“No worries,” Charlie smiled as she stood, leaving Dean to go about her work. Dean stayed where he was until everyone was called back inside at late afternoon, he wandered to art therapy and spent some time drawing with pieces of charcoal. At dinner, he sat with some other patients, making an effort to get along with them. He played snakes and ladders afterwards with a girl named Ruby and went straight to his room after Meg had given him his medication.   
“Doctor Crowley decided to increase your dosages, so you might get kicked about a little,” Meg had said, giving no explanation. When evening came, Castiel was missing Dean. He had managed to get through his therapy session without much trouble, Doctor Shurley had questioned what happened to his face but put the pieces together himself, picking up on Castiel’s lies. Doctor Shurley said that he’d be back on the ward the next day, as long as there was no further regression. By lunch the next day, Castiel was deemed stable enough to return to the general population of the ward. He stuck close to Charlie whilst she organised a room for him and retrieved a fresh set of clothes. He showered and went straight to the library, wanting to find a book to read. 

Dean had been having an alright day, he laughed a little with some other patients and was feeling a little more relaxed with getting to know some other people, but soured when group therapy was announced. He wandered to the meeting room and took a spare seat beside Ruby, she nodded a greeting but remained silent. When Dean saw Castiel arrive he shifted uncomfortably and kept his gaze adverted. He wasn’t sure if Castiel was still angry with him, so he figured it was best to give him space. When everyone had taken their seats, Pamela smiled and observed the room, everyone looked worn out and morbid. It was going to be a difficult session, so she thought it best to keep the discussion light.   
“Alrighty, guys, I’d just like to say well done to everyone who has pushed through a hard time this week,” Pamela started, “taking obstacles and facing problems one at a time can really help to build self-confidence and are great to learn from. That’s why we take things one week at a time, I don’t want anyone to feel pressured here,” the counsellor paused to observe a few reactions, mainly she got bored nods or tired smiles.   
“I think today we should all share one of our happiest memories,” Pamela said.   
“What’s the point, they’re just memories,” Ruby grumbled.   
“Happy memories or stories can remind us that we’ve had good times and that there are more to come,” Pamela replied, “we all have bad days but knowing that a good one is coming can really help,”  
“Sure, since you put it like that,” Ruby nodded in agreement, her face softening.  
“Would you like to start us off in that case, Ruby?”  
“I can,” Ruby thought for a minute before speaking up again, “I remember sitting on the couch at home with my boyfriend, we were watching The Breakfast Club. We were just sitting there, I was so comfortable and happy, it was bliss,” Ruby revealed.   
“That’s good, Ruby, thank you,” Pamela smiled, Ruby inclined her head and went back to staring at the floor.  
“Alright, would anyone like to volunteer to go next?” Pamela looked around and when no one spoke up she picked someone to go next, “Dean, is there a memory you’d like to share?” Dean drew his eyes away from Castiel, fighting the urge to run to him and promise him that everything would be alright. He couldn’t bear to watch the other man ignore him any longer.  
“Most of my memories are like war heads, they’re sweet until they turn sour,” Dean said, his gaze settling on Pamela.  
“Surely there’s one that you’re fond of,” Pamela responded.  
“Yes, there is one,” Dean pondered on whether or not to share it but he figured he might as well, “on July fourth many years ago, my brother and I bought a shit load of fireworks and went out to this old field where we spent the whole night setting them off. That was one of the few times when we were free of our father and all of our worries. We had a really good night,” Dean said, reliving the happiest night of his life in his head. He and Sam had spent the whole evening out in that field, laughing and cheering as the fireworks flew up into the sky, they damn near burnt the thing down. Seeing his little brother so happy was worth the bruises that his father gave him afterwards.   
“Thank you for sharing that with us, Dean,” Pamela smiled.  
“You’re welcome,” Dean responded. 

For another hour or so Pamela encouraged everyone to share, she did have to prod and pry a little but all in all the session was a good one. Castiel had spent the time in group therapy silently fiddling with his bandages. He glanced at Dean every now and then but kept his gaze lowered. He was quietly thankful that Pamela hadn’t called on him to share, he didn’t think that he could bring himself to open up at the moment. As soon as the session was over he jumped from his seat and retreated back to the library. He hadn’t counted on Dean’s forest eyes drilling holes in him, but that’s exactly what happened. Castiel wasn’t really angry at Dean, he was just unsure about him. Did the other man want to be with him or was he just killing time with a dalliance that would end as soon as he was released? Dean hung around after the group session and waited until Pamela was free.  
“How are you, Dean?” Pamela asked, motioning for him to take a seat.  
“Kinda bummed actually,” Dean replied.  
“Yeah? What’s up?”  
“Well, firstly, I go banned from making paper planes in art and secondly, Castiel is ignoring me,”  
“Ah, I can’t really do anything about the planes, if you were disturbing the others than the supervisor is well within their rights to restrict your creativeness. As for Cas, he’s just got out of the hospital after a pretty traumatic experience, you could give him a bit of slack,”  
“It’s not that, I’m pretty sure he’s pissed at me and I don’t know how to approach him,”  
“I doubt you’re the type of person who lacks confidence,”  
“I don’t wanna scare him off, Pam,” Dean rolled his eyes a little.  
“You’ve gone soft,” Pamela stated, “I’m very impressed with how little you intimidate people these days,”  
“I’m constantly drugged, Pam, of course I’m going to be more passive,”  
“No, I think you’ve managed to really settle down and be calm in your stressful surroundings. Take today for example, you willingly opened up and shared, when just a few months ago you would have punched anyone who looked at you wrong,” Pamela explained sincerely. Dean took in what she said and found himself agreeing with her.  
“I guess you’re right,” Dean replied.  
“I usually am,” Pamela smiled broadly, “can I ask you something that you might find a little intrusive?”  
“Sure,”  
“Do you have a crush on Castiel?”  
“The biggest,” Dean admitted.  
“Aw, that’s adorable,” Pamela cooed.  
“Don’t tease,” Dean scolded.  
“Does he know?” Pamela dropped her grin and leant forward.  
“I’m pretty sure,” Dean nodded, hiding a sly smile.  
“Have you ever had a crush on someone?”  
“Not really, not in the romantic sense anyway,”  
“Have you ever been in a long term relationship?”  
“Define long term,”  
“Longer than two months,”  
“Never,”  
“Why?” The counsellor interrogated. Dean raised an eyebrow and gave her a face that said the answer was obvious.  
“I don’t think you’ve noticed but people don’t generally take a shine to me, they like my face and my body but they don’t like me,”  
“That’s because you don’t let them,”  
“Why should I?”  
“Why shouldn’t you?”  
“I’ll get hurt,” Dean blurted, he started playing with his ring. 

Pamela wasn’t going to let him off easy this time just because he was getting a little riled up, she knew he needed to be pushed to open up.  
“And you want to control who hurts you?” Pamela asked. Dean stayed silent and glared at the counsellor. “You figure why try if there’s a chance of failure?” Pamela continued.   
“I guess,” Dean muttered.  
“You’re terrified to let anyone in, and yet you let Cas in,”  
“He was the first person to not recoil when I revealed myself,” Dean interrupted.   
“Is that what usually happens when you open up to people?”  
“All the time,”  
“Is that why you push everyone away, not so they don’t get hurt, but so you don’t?”  
“Yes,” Dean felt the weight returning to his chest, “people get scared and don’t know how to deal, so they run and I can’t handle that, even my brother tried to run and that broke my heart,”  
“That must be difficult for you,”  
“I’m used to it by now, what I’m not used to, what I’m nervous about, is the fact that Castiel doesn’t care what he sees, he’ll have me just the way I am,”  
“I can understand that, these feelings have probably stemmed from the rejection and abuse you received from your father,”  
“He seems to be the source of all my problems,”  
“I wouldn’t say all of them, most of your problems come from mental illness but he has definitely contributed and having an unstable childhood doesn’t help either,” Pamela explained.  
“Do you think things will change for me?”  
“If you let them, yes, I think they can,”  
“You think I should stop fighting so hard?”  
“I think you should relax more,”  
“That’s not an easy thing for me,”  
“I know and I think I might have an idea that could help some,” Pamela stated, a cheeky smile crossing her face.  
“Care to share?” Dean asked.  
“Ask Castiel out,”  
“On what, a date?”  
“Yeah, you two could use a dash of normalcy in your lives,”  
“And where, pray tell, am I gonna take him whilst we’re locked in here?”  
“Every now and then I organise zen trips for a small group of patients to just get away from the ward and therapy and just have some fun,” Pamela answered, “I can put you and Cas on the list, provided Chuck and Crowley approve,”  
“Is that wise, or safe? We could make a run for it, I certainly could make a run for it,”   
“I wouldn’t think so, Cas is here of his own volition so it’s unlikely he’d bolt and this place is doing you some good and you know it. Besides, I’d be doing you a favour and you seem like the type of person that doesn’t take returning those lightly,”  
“Just like that? I could very easily snap,”  
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Pamela shrugged. Dean peered at her wearily, deciding that she could be trusted and he owed it to her to reciprocate that trust.  
“Alright, that’d be great if you could make it happen,”  
“I’ll pull some strings,”  
“Where would we be going?”  
“I usually take the group to the Museum of Natural History, then to a local diner for lunch,”  
“Perfect,” Dean beamed, hoping that he and Castiel were approved for the outing.  
“I’m a bit of an advocate for young love,” Pamela laughed.  
“Thanks for everything, Pam, I really do appreciate it,”  
“Don’t mention it, just ask Cas out and I’ll handle the rest,”  
“You’re brilliant, Pam, and I think I can kinda repay you,” Dean said, fishing his note book out of his pocket and handing it over. In it he’d written ten good things and two bad things about himself.  
“Thanks, Dean,” Pamela smiled, reading through the list, “it’s good that you can see these attributes in yourself,”  
“Thank you, I’m very proud of myself,”  
“You should be, now off with you, I have paperwork to get done,”  
“Sure, see you later,” Dean said and he stood to leave.  
“I’ll see you and Cas tomorrow,”  
“Tomorrow?”  
“Yes, the day trip is tomorrow,” Pamela replied. Dean smiled broadly and left to go find Castiel. He very nearly ran down the hallways, he was that excited.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First dates are always awkward but so are Dean and Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey, 
> 
> so, all of my belongings are in boxes except for my laptop so I managed to get some hard core writing done.
> 
> GG

Castiel was leaving the library to go take a nap when Dean ran past him, the other man back tracking to meet him. Castiel tried to walk away but Dean grabbed his hand.  
“Cas,” Dean said, turning Castiel so that the two were facing each other, he looked into his ocean blue eyes and smiled.   
“Castiel, will you do me the honour of accompanying me on an outing tomorrow?” Dean asked.  
“You’re joking,” Castiel frowned, “hilarious,”  
“I’m far from joking, come with me on a supervised outing tomorrow,”  
“What are you talking about?” Castiel asked, annoyance biting at his tone.   
“Pam offered for us to be a part of the group that goes outside, yeah we’ll have babysitters but I want to take you on a date, sort of,”  
“But, I’ve never been allowed on an outing,”  
“It doesn’t matter,” Dean interrupted, “will you come with me or not?”  
“Fine,” Castiel paused for a moment, “I’d love to go on a sort of date with you,” he agreed, giving Dean a happy grin. Dean returned the smile and kissed Castiel on the forehead quickly. He broke away and stood awkwardly for a moment, he frowned and looked away.   
“I’m so sorry for what I said to you, Cas, for what I did to your face,” Dean apologised.   
“You’re forgiven,” Castiel said softly.  
“What, that easily?” Dean stepped back so he could look Castiel up and down.   
“I had hours alone to think it over, I figured that you don’t know what you want and I can accept that,”  
“Wow, Cas, that’s real mature,” Dean responded, shocked by what Castiel had said.   
“Like I said, I had a lot of time to think,” Castiel said, not bothering to bring up Clarence’s interaction with Dean or the fact that he was so zonked on meds that he and Emmanuel had gone silent, he just didn’t see the point.   
“Come on, I wanna cause trouble in the art room,” Dean said, lightening the mood.  
“Dean, what are you planning on doing?” Castiel grinned, enlacing his fingers with Dean’s.  
“I got banned from making paper planes and because I’m utterly bored, I’m gonna make a heap and throw them around,” Dean replied happily, “non-violent violence.” They sat at a work bench near the back of the art room and Dean immediately started folding various types of intricate paper planes. Castiel occupied himself with his paintings, not knowing where to begin when it came to origami. Once Dean had a substantial pile he started to throw them around, winking at Castiel in the process. A few patients laughed with Dean and joined in, whilst others grumbled and left the room. Dean threw as many as he could before the supervising nurse snapped at him.   
“Dean,” the nurse hissed.  
“Yes,” Dean replied innocently.  
“This is meant to be a quiet, peaceful, space and you’re disrupting that,”  
“I’m expressing myself creatively,”  
“Then please do it somewhere else, preferably outdoors,” the nurse said blandly.  
“Technically, he’s being quiet,” Castiel pointed out.   
“He’s not the one I’m worried about, Castiel,” the women retorted, “Dean, please leave before I call Benny,”  
“Call him then,” Dean huffed, folding his arms,”  
“C’mon, Dean,” Castiel got up and tried to guide the other man towards the door.   
“No,” Dean said sternly, brushing Castiel off, “call him, there’s not a whole lot he can do,”  
“Fine,” the nurse sighed and called for Benny over her radio. By now the room had gone so silent you could hear a pin drop. Castiel backed off and eyed Dean for moment before leaving the art room, not needing to be involved in any conflict.

Benny arrived a couple of minutes later with Cole in tow.  
“What’s the problem, Dean?” Benny asked.  
“The mediocrity of this place is the problem,” Dean glanced over at the orderlies, he set his jaw and stood straighter.  
“Alright, let’s take this outside,” Benny said, placing a hand on Dean’s arm. Dean shook him off but followed him out into the hall.  
“Okay, take a breath and tell me what’s bugging you,” Benny instructed. Dean took a deep breath and brushed his fingers over his ring.   
“I’m bored, Benny, I lost my cool for a second,” Dean replied, feeling his temper rise further but fighting to keep it down. He didn’t like how both Benny and Cole stood away from him and watched his every move, ready for whatever he might do.   
“That seems to be a recurring thing with you, you losing control,”  
“Yeah, I know, it was just for a second thought,”  
“Okay, well, no one got hurt,” Benny nodded, “do you want to go to seg just in case?”  
“I think that might be wise,” Dean agreed, clenching his fists as his breath quickened. Benny and Cole escorted Dean to a soft room and he sat in the middle, settling himself. He didn’t know why he got so riled up but maybe Benny was right, control was his problem. He wasn’t always in control but at least he could manage the severity of his outburst. Dean slowed his breathing and concentrated on staying calm in the stifling room. 

Dean was let out of isolation for dinner, where he met Castiel at their usual table. Gabriel was sitting with them but he was going through really tough withdrawals so they left him alone.   
“You’re an idiot, Dean,” Castiel stated.  
“That might just be so,” Dean responded, pocking at his meatloaf.  
“Good think you’re attractive,”  
“Or what?”  
“You wouldn’t be worth all of the trouble in you weren’t,” Castiel teased.   
“It was best that Benny was called, Cas, something could have gone very wrong,”  
“I know, I’m proud of the control you showed,”  
“Thanks,” Dean smiled sincerely.   
“You need someone to be proud of you,” Castiel replied. Dean smiled as he looked away, the pit in his stomach churning. He loved how he felt around Castiel but now there was someone who was at risk of being disappointed by him. Dean ran a hand over his face and pushed his tray away slightly, not wanting to eat something that he might not be able to keep down. Of course Castiel noticed that Dean wasn’t eating but decided not to bring it up, the other man would just snap at him. He knew that Dean would be reported and reprimanded but he figured that he didn’t care.   
“What’s on your mind, Dean?” Castiel asked.  
“Nothing,” Dean shook his head.  
“You sure?” Castiel replied as he finished his meal.   
“I’m sure,” Dean answered, leaning on his hand and glancing over at Castiel.   
“Alright,” Castiel sighed, more than a little disappointed that Dean wasn’t opening up to him. He didn’t expect Dean to always go to him when he was having a rough time but he wished Dean would realise that he wasn’t going to abandon him.  
“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Castiel announced, standing and discarding his tray.   
“Have fun with that,” Dean stood with him and the two went their separate ways; Castiel to the showers and Dean to the common room. 

Dean sat on the couch next to another patient named Lucifer.  
“Hey, Luc,” Dean greeted.  
“Dean,” Lucifer replied, looking away from the tv.  
“How you going?”  
“Why are you talking to me?”  
“Because I have to make an effort to get along with people,” Dean shrugged, “and you’re the only one here,”  
“But you don’t get along with people,” Lucifer stated.  
“I’m a delight though,”  
“You scare people, Dean, you’re the most dangerous patient we have on the ward,”  
“Wow, don’t hold back there,”   
“You think this place is a joke, but you’ll be here forever if you continue to think about this hospital as a holiday resort,” Lucifer responded, he twitched nervously and left, leaving Dean confused and taken aback by his brazen admission. Lucifer was right, however, people were afraid of Dean, maybe that should bother him but it really didn’t. Dean had never cared about making friends or what people thought of him until he was admitted into the hospital. Perhaps it was the medication or maybe it was the therapy, he didn’t know anymore and that scared him. He was starting to question who he was and what he thought of himself. He was starting to question why he put up such a façade. Dean knew it wouldn’t be easy to rebuild his walls but maybe it was time, it was time for him to start having a different outlook on things. 

After Castiel showered he had Charlie change his bandages and went to bed early, he missed having Dean in the same room as him. He missed the other man’s uneven breathing and the way he constantly tossed in his sleep. Castiel missed the small things he noticed about Dean, he was glad, however, that they would be able to spend the next day together, too many things had been getting in their way recently. Dean was just about to head to his room to get some extra sleep when Meg approached him with his medication.  
“I bare gifts,” Meg announced somewhat sarcastically as she held out two small cups to Dean.  
“You’re too kind,” Dean replied in the same tone, he took the cups and peered at the extra pill that accompanied his usual cocktail.  
“You’re not trying to roofie me, are you?” Dean raised an eyebrow.  
“It’s vitamin C, you’re looking paler than normal,” Meg explained.  
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Dean said as he downed the medication along with the water.  
“Thanks, Dean,” Meg said after checking his mouth, “now, Doctor Crowley wants to see you before lights out,”  
“Why, I don’t have an appointment?”  
“How am I supposed to know,” Meg rolled her eyes a little and walked off. Dean shrugged and meandered his way to Doctor Crowley’s office, knocking on the heavy wooden door when he got there.  
“Come in,” the doctor called.  
“You wanted to see me,” Dean responded as he sat down.  
“Dean, yes, there are a few things I wanted to talk with you about before tomorrow,”  
“Okay,” Dean said sceptically.  
“Right, I’ve spoken with Pamela about you going in this zen trip tomorrow, and naturally I have my concerns,” Doctor Crowley stated.  
“Of course you do,”  
“I’m concerned about letting you out of the ward, it’s an awkward situation really, with you being here involuntarily and all,” Doctor Crowley continued.  
“I can appreciate that,”  
“You’ve made exceptional progress but you’re still a danger to others and are still a high risk patient,”  
“What’s you point, Doc?”  
“If I let you out for the day, what guarantee do I have that you won’t make a run for it or cause your usual brand of trouble?”  
“You’ll have my word,” Dean answered sincerely.  
“Funny, but I’m afraid it isn’t enough,” the older man sighed, his haughty expression softening.  
“I understand that, Crowley, but you need to know that I am in so much more control these days. I won’t run for it and I will be able to handle myself out there,” Dean pressed his case. His doctor peered at him, sizing him up, weighing up his options.  
“Alright,” Doctor Crowley nodded, thinking he would gain more of Dean’s trust by allowing him on the trip, “if Pamela is willing to stick her neck out for you that I don’t see why I shouldn’t either,”  
“You’re gonna approve it?”  
“Yes,” Doctor Crowley responded as he signed a slip of paper.  
“Thanks, Crowley,” Dean smiled appreciatively.  
“Just don’t make me regret it,” the doctor warned.  
“I won’t,” Dean said, sitting back in his chair, “oh, Crowley, how come you increased my medication?”  
“Mainly a precautionary measure,”  
“You’re all about precautionary measures, aren’t you?”  
“Have to be,” Doctor Crowley shrugged, “is that why you put yourself in isolation today, as a precaution?”  
“I got angry and wanted to punch something, so when Benny suggested it, I figured it might help,”  
“And did it?”  
“Sure,” Dean nodded, “I mean, it got me out of there but I still get so frustrated easily, getting out of there was the best option before,” Dean trailed off, “well, you know full well what would have happened next,”  
“I do, I’m glad it didn’t come to that,”  
“So am I,” Dean smiled to himself, proud over the fact that he had controlled himself for once.  
“One more thing and I’ll let you go,”  
“Shoot,”  
“Why have you been skipping meals lately?” Doctor Crowley entwined his fingers and leant on his desk, staring at Dean, who swallowed and looked down at his hands.  
“Dean?” Doctor Crowley said when Dean failed to answer, “this is serious,”  
“Don’t think I’m anorexic or anything, I’m just not as hungry as I used to be,”  
“Are you not hungry or do you feel sick when you eat?”  
“Both?” Dean asked more than answered.  
“Which is it, Dean?” Crowley asked gruffly.  
“Both,” Dean confirmed.  
“Alright, I can allow this because you’re still eating two meals a day, but any less than we’ll have a problem,”  
“Fair enough,” Dean nodded in agreement, “is that all?”  
“Yes, that is all,” Doctor Crowley responded. Dean stood and left the office, he made it to his room just in time for lights out. He fumbled around the dark room and his foot brushed against a paper bag that had been set on the floor. Dean felt inside and found the clothes he’d been wearing when he was first admitted, he guessed that they were there for him to wear on the outside and placed the bag aside before crawling into bed. His room was cold and the sheets offered little warmth but he slept heavily and with little fitfulness. 

 

oOo

 

Castiel was awake before the sun rose and he was dressed in his old clothes before it was even time for breakfast. He really was excited to get out of the ward for the day and was even more so by the fact that Dean would be there with him. He was nervous about being away from the safe confines of the hospital but was eased by knowing that it was just for the day and that Pamela would be there along with a team of orderlies to keep an eye on the group. He ate with Balthazar and Gabriel, who were also going on the outing, and went with to meet Pamela at the rear entrance of the building. Dean skipped breakfast that morning, opting to sleep in instead. He felt so content when he dressed in his own clothes, he felt a wave of normality flow over him. His jeans were so comfortably familiar and his old leather jacket was a perfect fit as always. He stood for a moment as he remembered spending his first pay check on the jacket and letting Sam sleep in it when he was scared. Dean stumbled back against the bed and stifled a sob. Sam, Sammy, his little brother, Dean was determined to remember his brother as he was when he was alive and not for the cruel end that he gave himself. He wiped his face and headed out to meet the rest of those going on the outing. As soon as he saw Castiel his demeanour changed. He stood next to the black haired man, who wore a hoody with the sleeves rolled up and black pants, and took up his hand for a second. Castiel smiled up at Dean and leant into him slightly.  
“Hey you,” Dean grinned.  
“Hi,” Castiel replied, “we missed you at breakfast,”  
“I wanted to sleep in,” Dean replied nonchalantly.  
“Alright,” Castiel accepted the response and gave Dean a quick peck on the jaw.  
“Cheeky,” Dean smirked, dropping Castiel’s hand just in time for Pamela to arrive.  
“Alright guys,” Pamela called from in front of the small group, “settle down, before he head off I need to go through some ground rules,” with that every eye was on the counsellor, “right, when we get to the museum, you’ll have three hours of unguided exploration. I expect all of you to be on your best behaviour and to stay within eye sight of the staff, there is to be no wandering off on your own, do not go anywhere without the company of a member of staff. Also, don’t disturb the general public guys, they don’t need to know about your lint collections,” Pamela said, gaining a laugh from the group. “After the museum we’ll head to lunch, eat what you order guys and no food fights. If there are any shenanigans or outbursts, everyone will be brought back here immediately. Have I made myself clear?” Pamela continued. There was a murmur of acknowledgement. “Okay, everyone just needs to sign out and we can be off,” Pamela proceeded to pass around a clip board for each patient to sigh their names on and a moment later the group filed like school children into a waiting bus. Dean and Castiel sat together near the back, hand in hand, occasionally throwing nervous smile at each other.  
“You alright?” Castiel asked, studying Dean’s face, which showed apprehension.   
“Yeah,” Dean replied, taking a shaky breath, “you?”  
“I’m good,” Castiel smiled, kissing the back of Dean’s hand when no one was looking. The ride to the museum wasn’t too long or tedious. Dean had to admit that of all the things he missed of the outside, traffic wasn’t one of them.

Upon arrival at the local museum of natural history, the small group of patients and their entourage disembarked from the bus and converged on the entrance.  
“Don’t wander to far everyone, have fun and relax,” Pamela called out as everyone walked through the sliding glass doors, the first thing that they were greeted with was the looming skeleton of a t-rex and the unmistakable screams of hyperactive children out on a field trip. The group spread out and explored the main concourse for a time before moving on to a gallery of insects.   
“These things are creepy,” Dean sneered as he peered into a case full of moth carcasses.  
“You’re afraid of insects, aren’t you,” Castiel asked, creeping up behind Dean.  
“Ah no, I’m just not fond of them,” Dean replied, moving through the displays with Castiel close beside him.  
“I think they’re fascinating,” Castiel chimed, he was busy reading an information plaque. Dean nervously paced around, not really knowing what to look at, he was being overloaded with information and being pressed in by chatty children and overbearing parents wasn’t doing him any favours. He took a breath and went to go look at some butterflies. Dean’s instincts were starting to kick in, he saw danger everywhere and jumped at every sudden outburst of noise. He cracked his knuckles and shifted uncomfortably, he wasn’t afraid of people but always felt on edge when he was surrounded by them. Castiel noticed Dean’s unease and approached cautiously, he tapped his leg with a foot and raised an eyebrow.  
“I’m alright,” Dean swallowed.  
“You sure, babe?” Castiel queried, looking around for Pamela or even an orderly, preferably Benny or Cole.  
“Yeah, just a little claustrophobic,” Dean replied.  
“Do you want to move on, there aren’t so many people in the reptile gallery?” Castiel suggested, not being a stranger to the symptoms of social anxiety.   
“Sure,” Dean smiled shakily and hurriedly worked his way through the mass of people to the adjacent gallery. Castiel was right about not many people being there, for which Dean was relieved.

The pair wandered around in silence for a minute, neither overly skilled at small talk.  
“Where did you go to school, Cas?” Dean asked, figuring it was a safe place to start.  
“Ah, I went to high school a few towns over, and my college was in another state,” Castiel answered.  
“Oh, okay, did you like school?”  
“It was alright for me, I stayed out of the limelight but I had my problems,”  
“You were bullied?”  
“Everyone was bullied in school, Dean,” Castiel stated.  
“Well, they shouldn’t be,” Dean responded.  
“What about you?” Castiel asked, making sure they weren’t wandering out of eye sight of the supervising staff.  
“Funnily enough, this is my home town, I dropped out at sixteen to start working and college was never something that interested me,” Dean explained.  
“Why did you drop out?” Castiel pried.  
“I don’t remember the exact reason but I was never one for school, it made sense really, I wanted to be able to move me and Sam out of home as soon as I could,”  
“Makes sense, I assume you were popular,”  
“Very much so,” Dean smirked, peering at a skeleton of a turtle.   
“I’ve never much liked museums,” Castiel said randomly, he didn’t mind talking with Dean about his school days but would rather stay away from the subject.  
“Why?” Dean asked, moving on to a display of snakes.  
“They’re kinda sad really, all of these things locked away, forever being gawked at by prying eyes,”  
“That’s kinda the point of them, though, they allow the public access to artefacts that they usually wouldn’t,”  
“That’s quite ardent,”  
“Like, I get why zoos might be sad but museums are really cool, you can see things from hundreds of years ago and learn so much,”  
“You’re very passionate today,”  
“I just don’t agree with you,”  
“And you’re entitled to that,”  
“Thank you,” Dean replied, looking around further, he’d been to this museum half a hundred times with his mother and only enjoyed coming now because it reminded him of her. There wasn’t much left to see on the ground floor, so Dean guided Castiel to a flight of stairs, he gestured to a nearby member of hospital staff that they were going up and they followed them at a close distance. 

Much like the lower galleries, Dean felt a pang of apprehension when he saw the amount of people crowding around the countless taxidermy animals. He moved through the mass of faceless people and sat on a bench facing an old remake of a spitfire. Castiel sat beside him and placed a reassuring hand on his lower back. They sat like that for a long time in silence.  
“This is clichéd but I love being here with you,” Castiel piped.  
“I’m glad we could get away from the ward,” Dean responded.  
“I would have preferred to meet you here, even though you’re overly nervous right now, you seem at ease here and I like seeing you like this,”  
“I have good memories of this place,” Dean admitted. Castiel smiled and traced his fingers between Dean’s shoulder blades.  
“Do you wanna go to the interactive centre?” Dean asked, cheering up a little.  
“Isn’t that for kids?” Castiel asked.  
“So what if it is?” Dean shrugged.  
“Alright,” Castiel grinned and went with Dean to a closed off section of the museum where there were games and activities and an assortment of things to touch. For the next couple of hours the two of them acted like a pair of five years olds, giggling and causing an innocent amount of trouble. They relished the chance to really let loose and act like normal, mentally stable, people. However, what was normal about two grown men causing havoc in a space designed for children? Neither of them thought about that, though.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fun times are had and then Dean's troubles catch up with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAS this isn't a mistake, my dear readers, this is two chapters at once before Monday, simply because I wrote too much in one go and I love you all. 
> 
> Have fun reading and let me know what you think. 
> 
> xGG

Neither Castiel nor Dean noticed the time pass until Benny wrangled them back to the bus, Dean didn’t protest as his stomach was starting to grumble and he was looking forward to a nice greasy meal. They travelled to the local diner just off the highway and the group proceeded inside. Dean loved diners, mainly it was the dubious food that he loved but he always enjoyed the atmosphere. Castiel pulled him into a corner booth so that they could sit alone and he even witnessed Pamela guiding Benny away slightly, winking in their direction.  
“You can’t go wrong with a diner,” Dean stated as he sat down.  
“Well, sometimes you can,” Castiel replied.  
“I refuse to believe that,” Dean shrugged.  
“Sure, babe,” Castiel grinned.  
“What are you going to order?” Dean asked as he looked over the menu.  
“Don’t know yet, what about you?”  
“Probably pancakes with bacon and coffee, god I’ve missed coffee,”  
“I haven’t had decent bacon in ages, I’m gonna have the same,”   
“Perfect,” Dean said, placing the order with the waitress when she approached. It was a little odd seeing all of these patients wearing regular clothes and about to eat half way decent food, when they were usually seen in washed out pyjamas and wearing withdrawn faces. Dean couldn’t help but grin to himself, glancing over at Pamela and laughed when she gave him the thumbs up.  
“Okay, we have a small chance to act like a normal couple, how do we do that?” Dean asked.  
“I don’t know,”  
“Right, well, let’s talk about stuff,”  
“The weather’s nice,”  
“Wow, that’s all you got?”  
“I haven’t been on a date for close to two years, leave me be,”  
“Bummer,” Dean said, “well, this is kinda my first date,”  
“Really?” Castiel gasped, utterly surprised by Dean’s admission.  
“Yep, not one,”  
“I’ll have to romance you in that case,”  
“I’d like that,” Dean replied as their food arrived.  
“Wow,” Castiel breathed as he stared at the mountain of food in front of him.  
“Dig in,” Dean laughed, shovelling his food down, “god, this is so good,” he added after a few mouthfuls.

Castiel absently rubbed Dean’s leg with a foot as he ate. The food was delicious and the coffee was amazing, he savoured his meal, unlike Dean, who was half finished already.  
“Tell me about your family, Cas,” Dean said abruptly.  
“Not much to tell you about,” Castiel replied, busying himself by rearranging his bacon.  
“Surely there’s something interesting you can tell me,” Dean pressed.  
“Well, I was adopted when I was eight. My adoptive parents are great, I have a sister, Hannah, and an adopted brother, Alfie. Michael was their only biological son,” Castiel trailed off and looked away.  
“Was Michael the one that died?”  
“Yes,” Castiel swallowed.   
“What happened to your biological parents?” Dean tilted his head, desperate to find out as much as he could about Castiel.  
“My father skipped out on us and my mother died of cancer,”  
“Shit, Cas, that really sucks,” Dean said sympathetically.  
“Others have it worse,” Castiel shrugged.  
“Worse is subjective, Cas,”  
“Still,”  
“You’ve got it just as bad as anyone,”  
“I don’t see it that way,” Castiel paused his eating and reached across the table to hold Dean’s hand.   
“The how do you see it?” Dean asked, stroking Castiel’s fingers.   
“I don’t have it bad at all when it comes to my family. I didn’t know my father and it was hard to watch my mother die but the people who adopted me and my sister are kind, generous, and amazing people,” Castiel explained, “I wouldn’t say that that side of my life is terrible,”  
“I guess you’d know better than me,” Dean nodded.  
“I had a pretty good life before what happened,” Castiel stated, it might not have been the best thing to say considering Dean’s history with his own family but it was said now.  
“That’s good,” Dean smiled genuinely.  
“When you get out of the hospital, eventually, do you have anywhere to go?” Castiel asked after a time.  
“I’ve got the workshop, but no one is waiting for me to get out,” Dean answered, “what about you?”  
“I’ve got my sister, I guess I can stay with her until I find a job and a permanent place to live,”  
“That’s good,” Dean nodded.  
“I guess so,”  
“Do you get along with your sister?”  
“Yeah, she’s great, Alfie and I never really got along but Hannah is the typical big sister, you know,” Castiel smiled, “did you get along with your brother?” he asked cautiously.  
“I did,” Dean gave Castiel a sad smile, “he was my best friend, I’d sell my soul to get him back,”  
“What was he like?”  
“Smart, funny, he once got himself out of being arrested with his puppy eyes alone,”  
“Wow, that’s a talent,” Castiel chuckled.  
“You know, this is first time I’ve really talked about him since he died,” Dean admitted.  
“Does it hurt to think about him?”  
“I wouldn’t say it’s painful anymore, but yeah,”  
“Do you think I’ll ever get used to it?”  
“I think so, you’ll get used to living without your brother but you’ll never forget him,”  
“I don’t want to,” Castiel looked down, remembering Michael, “I really miss him,”  
“That feeling will never go away,” Dean advised. Castiel fell silent after that, this was still a bit of a touchy subject for him and he was talked out. Dean caught onto Castiel’s discomfort and stayed silent, he knew that forcing people to open up did more harm than good.  
“What was working as a mechanic like?” Castiel asked, changing topics pretty quickly.  
“It was great, I really loved it. I worked for my dad’s best friend and really only answered to myself,” Dean replied.  
“That’s great, you do have any friends on the outside?”  
“I have a few but no one who’s overly close,”  
“Well, it is sort of hard to get along with you,”  
“You’re not wrong,” Dean admitted as he finished his food, sipping one the remainder of his coffee.   
“Dean, do we have to keep hiding our relationship?” Castiel asked.  
“We shouldn’t advertise it,” Dean countered.  
“We need to advertise something, a few of the nurses have the hots for you,”  
“As they should,” Dean smirked, to which Castiel rolled his eyes.  
“Seriously though, Dean,”  
“Look, just because Chuck and Pamela are cool with us being together, that doesn’t mean everyone else will be, I don’t think we should go public,” Dean stated firmly.  
“Dean,” Castiel whined.  
“Castiel,” Dean retorted.  
“I just want to pin you against the wall near a nurse’s station and make out with you,”  
“I’m sure you do,” Dean chuckled.  
“I also want our shared room back,”  
“So do I,” Dean said as he wiped up some leftover syrup with a finger and licked it.  
“Dean, not here,” Castiel bit his lip and grabbed Dean’s wrist.  
“What did I do?” Dean complained.  
“You’re being a tease,”  
“I’m a perpetual tease,” Dean stated, nudging Castiel’s leg with his knee.  
“I’d gladly take you on this table, right now,” Castiel said boldly.  
“Dude,” Dean laughed, “let’s get back first,”  
“We can’t take advantage of the public bathroom?”  
“They’d be suspicious if we went to the bathroom at the same time and took a little too long,”  
“Very well, I’ll wait,”  
“You won’t have to for long,” Dean smiled slyly and Castiel leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. The pair settled into the booth and sat together in blissful silence, simply enjoying each other’s company.

It didn’t take long for everyone in the group to finish their meals, as per Pamela’s instructions, every plate was pretty much licked clean. Both Castiel and Dean stalled in leaving their booth, they were determined to stay in that moment for as long as possible. That was until Cole approached with a bored expression and a scowl.  
“Alright guys, time to head back,” Cole announced, the two were the last remaining in the diner and the orderly was eager to get them on the bus and back to the ward.  
“We’re getting there, Cole,” Castiel replied, slowly standing from the plush leather seat.   
“Could you get there any faster?” Cole responded a little too gruffly, gabbing Dean by the elbow.  
“Hey,” Dean snapped, yanking his arm away.  
“Settle down, Deano, let’s just get you two back to the ward,” Cole warned.  
“Dean, please,” Castiel said softly, trying in vain to get Dean to cooperate.  
“Leave it, Cas,” Dean hissed as he stood to meet Cole eye to eye.  
“Stand down, Dean,” Cole said, hands extended defensively. He knew where this was going and wanted to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible. Castiel had backed off in the meantime, joining Pamela at the cashier by way of distraction. The orderly and the patient stared each other down for a moment more before Benny appeared out of nowhere.  
“What’s the problem here?” Benny asked sternly.  
“Deano is just tired,” Cole answered, making Dean laugh at the fact that any outburst or show of defiance could be attributed to being tired.  
“Alright, common, Dean, let’s just go,” Benny said, placing a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder.  
“Don’t fucking touch me, Benny,” Dean snarled, stepping out of the booth.  
“Okay, come outside, and we can get you back,” Benny replied soothingly, sensing a rise in Dean’s aggravation. Dean clenched his jaw and followed Benny outside with Cole following much too close behind him.   
“Back off, Cole,” Dean said, shoving the man away.  
“Watch it,” Cole glowered, his eyes flicking between Dean and Benny.   
“Deep breaths, Dean,” Benny suggested, he waved Pamela over and kept Dean away from the bus, not wanting to freak out the other patients. Dean ignored the instruction as he started to feel like a cornered animal, and if there was one thing that you shouldn’t do, it was force Dean into a corner. His temper was rising and there was nothing that he could do to bring it down.  
“Hey, Dean,” Pamela chirped as she stepped in front of Benny, who tried to keep her at a distance, “what’s happening?”  
“I’m fucking sick of him,” Dean replied, pointing to Cole.  
“Cole, could you back off for a minute,” Pamela ordered as she stepped in close to look Dean in the eye.  
“Okay, I want you to focus on your ring, close your eyes and take a breath,” Pamela instructed calmly, “think about what keeps you grounded.”

Dean did as Pamela said but when he closed his eyes all he saw was his father’s face screaming ‘you’re pathetic’ over and over.  
“That’s not possible right now,” Dean whispered, his eyes springing open.  
“Okay, well, are you calm enough to get on the bus?” Pamela asked.  
“I think so,” Dean answered, “I don’t know,” he looked at the oversized tin can and saw Castiel’s grim face in one of the windows.  
“I’ll be right beside you all the way,” Pamela assured.  
“Okay,” Dean nodded, starting for the bus. He had collected himself enough to get on it until the orderlies flanked him and Cole placed a wayward hand on Dean’s back.  
“Cole, back off,” Benny yelled, instantly noticing Cole’s trained manoeuvre and Dean’s practised response. Benny caught Dean’s punch before it had connected with Cole’s face and wrenched the patient’s arm behind his back.  
“Don’t do this here, Dean,” Benny pressed, “it’s not worth it,” the orderly kept a firm grip on Dean but he didn’t take into account that his knees were exposed. Dean slammed a foot into the side of the orderly’s knee, forcing the other man to release his hold. By the time Benny was forced to a knee, Cole was moving in to get Dean to the ground, he tried to push on the back of his legs but got an elbow to the jaw for his efforts. Dean followed up with a punch to the sternum, forcing Cole to shudder back as he groaned. Dean was about to issue the knockout blow when Benny tackled him from behind. The two tumbled to the ground, with Benny landing on top, pinning Dean against the bitumen.   
“Will you quit it,” Benny huffed, trapping Dean under his weight.  
“Get off me,” Dean screamed as he struggled, trying to buck the enormous orderly off him. His kicked out and yelled absurdities, only to have more weight pressed into him as Cole knelt on his thighs.  
“Dean!” Benny snapped, “calm down,”  
“Will you get your fat ass off me,” Dean retorted, feeling the air being pushed out of him slowly.  
“I will, kiddo, as soon as you calm down,” Benny said as he guided Dean’s wrists together to cuff them. Dean tried a few last ditch attempts to get free but gave up and slammed his head against the ground.

What seemed like hours later, Benny finally let up the pressure he put on Dean, the orderly slowly and carefully standing, pulling Dean up with him.  
“You finished?” Benny asked, holding Dean’s elbow in a vice like grip. Dean gave a low growl in reply as he tried to worm away from the orderly. With Cole holding onto his other arm, Dean was marched onto the bus where he was met with shocked faces, manic laughter and even a distressed cry. Obviously his outburst had a resonating effect on the delicate occupants of the bus. The orderlies bundled him to the back and sat him in the corner against a window. Pamela would have sat with Dean but she was busy trying to calm some of the others down, she was more concerned about Balthazar’s panic attack and Lucifer’s muttering than Dean’s tantrum. Castiel glance back at Dean every now and then, he always became distraught when he witnessed him like this, he could see all of the pain in Dean’s eyes but could do nothing to help him. He felt helpless, and terrified, and irritated all at the same time. Castiel despised Dean for not being able to control his anger but also felt so sorry for him for the same reason. Nothing, or no one, made him feel so uncertain and sure than Dean Winchester. When the bus pulled up to the rear entrance of the hospital, not one person was allowed to disembark until Dean was hauled away. Castiel tried to follow but was stopped when Pamela put her hand up and told him to stay away, of course he hated it but obliged and went to his room to curl up under the covers and feel utterly hopeless. He refused, however, to let this ruin or taint such a gleeful day he’d spent with Dean. 

Dean was locked into an empty isolation room, he spent a long time slamming into the door, trying, with no success, to get out. His chest started to become indescribably heavy and his panic only fuelled his anger. He only stopped his barrage on the door when his hands hurt and his knees started to bruise. Dean eventually slumped against a wall, seething and cracking his knuckles. He had no idea why he’d gotten so angry nor why he felt like he needed to take it out on Benny and Cole. It would seem that he didn’t have as much control as he thought he did. Dean was interrupted from questioning his every action when he heard the metal door being pulled open, it was Doctor Crowley who stepped into the room.  
“Well,” Doctor Crowley sighed, “this is not what I expected when I approved your participation in the zen trip,”  
“I’ve never been one to live up to expectations, Crowley,” Dean sneered up at his doctor.   
“Do you know where I’ve just come from?” Doctor Crowley snapped, “I’ve just had to sit through the most embarrassing board meeting of my life because of you, I was barely able to hold off on you being sent to the max unit permanently, but you know what, I’m highly tempted to send you back,” the doctor said threateningly.  
“Do you really think I care anymore?” Dean rolled his eyes.  
“I think you do,”  
“What could I possibly care about anymore? I’ve lost my family, most of my friends and now my freedom. Do what you want with me, Crowley, because it would mean nothing to me,”  
“I think you care about Castiel Novak,”  
“What do you know about it?” Dean hissed.  
“I know that you’ve gotten close to him,”  
“You’re an arsehole, you know right?”  
“I know,”  
“What do you want from me?”  
“I want you to pull your head out of your arse,”  
“And how, pray tell, do you suggest I do that?”  
“You need to set yourself small, achievable goals,”  
“Goals aren’t really my thing,”  
“You’re making it hard for me to help you,”  
“Haven’t you cottoned on yet, I don’t want help,”  
“And yet, you need it,”  
“Surely you’ve noticed that I don’t want to change, nor am I going to,”  
“I think you’re wrong, you ate being like this,”  
“How do you know?”  
“I’m good at my job,”  
“Then why aren’t I getting any better?”  
“You are getting better, this was just a slip, everyone goes through therapy at a different pace depending on how pig headed they are,”  
“You think I’m pig headed?”  
“I do,”  
“Aren’t you meant to remain impartial?”  
“Not necessarily,”  
“Do you have any idea how you’re going to help me?”  
“Honestly, not really, you’re different from all of my other patients to say the least, but I’ve still got a few things up my sleeve,”  
“You better figure it out,”  
“And I will, for the time being I’m going to leave you alone, you need to settle in again,”  
“How long will I be in here?”  
“A week,” Doctor Crowley pronounced, ending the conversation by walking out, shutting the door behind him loudly. 

Dean didn’t know what to make of what Doctor Crowley had said but he did know that he was making it harder to get better. He was so opposed to receiving help that he was damaging his prospects of not only being released but also being a happier person. Did he want to be happy? Of course he did. Did he deserve to be happy? He definitely thought so, after everything that he’s been through. Doctor Crowley could help him get to a healthier state of mind, Pamela could help and of course, Castiel could help. The problem was, he couldn’t accept it, he wanted to but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Maybe it was a side effect of how his father treated him, or was due to the fact that he’d been abandoned by every person he did ask assistance from. Maybe his reluctance was due to the fact that he’d never really needed anyone’s help or simply because he didn’t trust anyone else. Dean had no idea, he was tempted to push these questions and feelings down like he usually did but allowed them to settle at the front of his mind. He needed these questions answered and, he concluded, he needed help.

 

oOo

 

Dean ignored every meal that was placed in front of him for all of the next couple of days, just looking at the food made him sick. He was regularly forced medication, fighting with staff in the process. Whenever he had the strength he would crash against the door and punch the walls, other times he’d just lie motionless on the floor. It was on one of his better days that Castiel had requested to be let into his room, which was surprisingly approved. He assumed that they thought Dean would benefit from a visit from a friend.   
“What’s he doing here?” Dean asked when Cole led Castiel into his room.  
“He wanted to see you, Deano,” Cole replied, patting Castiel on the shoulder as he walked back out, “ten minutes guys,” he called from the hallway.  
“There’s a reason they call this isolation,” Dean snarled as he stood from his spot, holding himself in a threatening manner. He stared holes into Castiel, who stalked forward and slapped Dean firmly across the face with the back of his hand. He grasped Dean’s collar and shoved him back against the wall. The other man was too stunned to react.   
“Will you stop being such a stubborn arsehole?” Castiel spat, “you were doing so well but a little thing of someone standing too close set you off, well now I’m standing close, what are you going to do?” Dean sighed and grabbed Castiel’s waist and threw him to the ground.  
“That’s what I’m going to do,” Dean hissed, kicking Castiel in the side. The blue eyed man groaned and grasped Dean’s leg, pulling him to the floor. He crawled on top of him and slapped his face again.   
“You’ve blown it, Dean, you’ve acted out one too many times and I can’t deal with it anymore,” Castiel growled, “you’re not in love with me, you never even liked me did you?” he punched Dean weakly, giving him some of his own medicine. He had no idea what he was doing but this might be the only way to get through to the man he’d fallen for. He refused to believe that Dean was just stringing him along for entertainment but he needed to do this. Castiel’s whole body shook due to the amount of adrenaline that ran through him, he wasn’t going to go easy on Dean until he had no strength left. 

Dean pushed Castiel off him easily and rolled over, pinning the other man with his knees. Dean punched Castiel across the jaw with all his strength, admittedly it wasn’t very powerful but he was still able to overpower Castiel.   
“There was nothing to begin with,” Dean hissed, punching again, “I told you it would be better if you hated me,” another punch, “I warned you and you dove in head first,”  
“You make it sound like to was my choice to fall in love with you,” Castiel locked his eyes with Dean’s, “you’re a kind and generous person, Dean, but this was never my choice and I hate it,” he tilted his head to the side and spat blood. Dean drove his fist down again but hit the floor, narrowly missing Castiel’s face. He was willingly and blindly hurting the only person he’d ever truly liked, just so he would never have to be accountable to anyone.   
“I told you that was a mistake,” Dean whispered, his face only an inch from Castiel’s, “I should have never let you fall for me,”  
“It’s never that easy, please, Dean, I need you,” Castiel murmured, lying prone on the floor. He’d given up, if Dean wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp, then so be it, “do it, it’ll make you feel better,”  
“For now, it might but I’ll just hate myself more later,” Dean said, shifting his weight so that he wasn’t pinning Castiel but still straddled him. The other man swallowed and sat up cautiously, he eyed Dean’s lips before returning his gaze to his eyes.   
“You’ve already come this far, why stop now?” Castiel asked almost silently.  
“Because I love you,” Dean said, he didn’t even think about what he was saying, it just came naturally.   
“Say it again,” Castiel’s voice hitched, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.   
“I love you,” Dean said plainly but there was a wave of emotion behind it. As soon as the words left his mouth Castiel broke, he buried his face into the crook of Dean’s neck and chocked back a sob. Dean’s constant mood swings were giving him whiplash and this was the last straw.   
“You’re lying. Lying, lying, lying,” Castiel chanted.   
“I’m not,” Dean promised, wrapping his arms around Castiel, placing a soothing hand on the back of his neck, “I’m not lying,” he repeated. He kissed the top of Castiel’s head and stroked his hair. Castiel leant back to look Dean in the eye, there was sincerity in his face but he was wary to accept the truth.   
“But before, you said…” Castiel said.  
“I’m pissed and angry and certifiably crazy, I say a lot of things,” Dean replied, wiping some of the blood from Castiel’s face.  
“Was any of what you said true?”  
“Kind of, but all I know now is that I was wrong, I can’t keep pushing you away. It’s time for me to start letting people help me for a change,”  
“Okay,” Castiel nodded, leaning in to kiss Dean. 

Dean ran a thumb over Castiel’s throat, the bruising from where he had strangled him was still prominent but steadily fading. He ignored the kiss and gaped at the damage he’d caused. The damage he had caused. He had been the cause of so much destruction in his life.   
“I’m going to ask Crowley to leave in here longer, and maybe give me stronger meds,” Dean announced blandly, thinking that this decision would be for the best.   
“That might help,” Castiel agreed, he closed his eyes and leant into Dean again, who pushed him away gently and stood up off his legs. Dean backed away to the door and called for Cole. Castiel didn’t move until the orderly appeared.   
“I don’t hate you for this,” Castiel said.  
“You should start hating me a little, you’ll be safer,” Dean warned.   
“What did you do, Dean?” Cole asked when he saw Castiel’s face.   
“Could you just get Crowley for me?” Dean responded.  
“Sure, but he’s gonna have a lot to say about this,” Cole agreed before locking Dean in and dragging Castiel to the medical bay. Dean slumped against the wall and tried to wipe the dried blood from his knuckles whilst he waited. Doctor Crowley rushed in only minutes later, his expression dark.  
“What the hell did you do?” Doctor Crowley thundered.  
“Something that I should never be forgiven for,” Dean replied.  
“You have a strange way of showing someone that you love them,” Doctor Crowley replied wryly.   
“What the fuck do you know about it, Crowley?” Dean snapped, instantly tensing.  
“Enough, I know that the zen trip was an excuse for you and Castiel to go on a date,”  
“I really botched that one up,” Dean slid to the floor and hunched over.  
“You did. Yet apparently he still loves you, shockingly,”  
“It is shocking, yes,” Dean looked to Crowley, vulnerability showing on his face. The doctor dropped his haughty expression and sat down beside Dean.  
“Pushing him away, trying to get him to hate you, is going to do more harm than good,”  
“I’ve been pushing people away my whole life, it’s the only thing I know how to do,”  
“I know,”  
“I know,” Dean mimicked, “is that all you have to say?” Dean stood abruptly and faced away from his doctor, crossing his arms.  
“Will you stop being such a little shit?”  
“Then start being a good doctor,”  
“Do you love him?” the older man asked, changing tactic.  
“What?”  
“Answer the question,”  
“Yes, I do love him,” and with that a huge weight lifted from Dean’s chest.  
“Congratulations,” Doctor Crowley smirked, “so, you want to get back to your life, you want to be good for Castiel? Then you are going to stop fighting so hard and accept the help that we are trying to give you,” the doctor continued sternly.   
“You should know full well that old habits are hard to kick,” Dean countered.  
“Then you fight to kick them,” the doctor said, his own frustration rising.  
“Why can’t you just let me go, release me from your care, whatever, I want out,”  
“Can’t do that, you’re not stable enough for me to legally release you yet,”  
“Then how do I get stable enough?” Dean raised his voice.  
“Like I’ve said half a hundred times already; time, treatment and medication,”  
“I don’t have all the time in the world, Crowley,”  
“Nor do I,”  
“Then you better start doing your job and get me stable,”  
“I might have a way of doing that,” Doctor Crowley thought out loud.  
“What is it?”  
“It’s extreme,” Doctor Crowley warned.  
“What is it?” Dean repeated, grinding his teeth.  
“I can put you on an experimental medication that’ll make you feel nothing at all,”  
“Does it work?”  
“In sixty percent of cases,”  
“I’ll take it,”  
“Do you really want that?”  
“You wouldn’t have suggested it, if it wouldn’t help,”  
“Oh, it’ll help alright but the side effects are, well, they can be tough,”  
“I’m beyond caring at this point,”  
“What about Castiel?”  
“He’ll understand, I think,”  
“Fine, I’ll see what I can do,” Doctor Crowley nodded.   
“I’m only just figuring out how to let people in, to open up, you’re gonna have to push me more than you have been,”  
“Don’t worry, I plan on it,”  
“What do you think my chances of getting out of here in the near future are?”  
“I don’t think you’re an absolute lost cause but you have a long way to go before you can lead a normal life,”  
“That doesn’t answer the question,”  
“I don’t’ have a definitive answer for you, Dean, every time you relapse it means you’re drawn back in your progress,”  
“Whatever,” Dean sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.  
“I need to go, Dean, after what you did I’m going to have to leave you in here for an extra week and fight off the board to keep you here, I don’t think another stint in the max unit would do you any good,” Doctor Crowley stated, leaving promptly. The doctor authorised a changed in Dean’s medication, he replaced the lithium with fluoxetine and increased the dosage of Rozerm. He decided that he needed to keep his unruly patient docile for a while, at least until his therapy and rehabilitation had taken a hold. He would send Meg with the new prescription that evening and had to go about focusing on some of his less challenging patients.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor Shurley takes drastic actions and Dean lands himself in more trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I almost forgot it was Monday, I'm ridiculously sick and I'm pretty sure it's the plague but I managed it even though this chapter is a little short. Hope everyone enjoys this week's offering and that you all feel free to let me know what you think. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me and I'll see you next week :D
> 
> Gandalf out.

After Castiel had been patched up by a rather irate nurse, he was forced to go and see Doctor Shurley. He walked as slowly as he could to his doctor’s office and knocked tentively on the door when he arrived. Castiel entered a second later and flopped into the nearest arm chair, he sighed and waited for Doctor Shurley to start talking.  
“Oh Cas,” Doctor Shurley said worryingly, “this is too much,”  
“I’m fine, Chuck,” Castiel stated.  
“Have you seen your face?”  
“I have an idea on what I look like,”  
“I can’t allow this to continue,”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“I want to keep you separated from Mr Winchester,” Doctor Shurley said, trying not to sound as tired as he felt.  
“What?” Castiel sprung to his feet, “how could you do that? You know what he means to me,”  
“Sit down, Castiel,” the doctor sighed, Castiel did as he was told but stared menacingly at the other man.  
“Cas, this is the second time he’s attacked you, and I can see that it’s escalated. Now, Doctor Crowley doesn’t want to move Dean, and save from transferring you to a different hospital, I think the safest option here is to keep you two as far away from each other as possible,”  
“No, you can’t do that, even you said that he was good for me,” Castiel objected.  
“Was, Castiel, he was good for you. Now he’s a danger to you and this infatuation you have with him is not healthy,”  
“It’s not an infatuation,”  
“Cas,”  
“Chuck,” Castiel interrupted, “please don’t separate us,”  
“I have no choice, not only are you at risk physically but also mentally,” Doctor Shurley cautioned.  
“I’ve got a handle on it,” Castiel fumed.  
“Do you remember the last time you got angry?”  
“Of course I do,” Castiel yelled, “it’s what got me in here in the first place,”  
“It could happen again,”  
“I didn’t raise a hand to Dean whilst he did this,” Castiel waved at his face, “I’m pretty sure I’ve got a lid on it,”  
“And what does Clarence say about that?”  
“I shoved Clarence into a hole that he will never get out of,”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Pretty sure,”  
“Yet you’ve become obsessive, a tell tail sign that Clarence is leaking through the cracks,”  
“I’ve got it handled,” Castiel repeated slowly.  
“I’m still not convinced and until such a time that Dean can control his behaviour and you become less bedevilled, I’m going to order that the staff keep the pair of you away from each other,”  
“You can’t do this, you’re the one that said to focus on things that make me happy and he makes me happy,”  
“Be that as it may, you shouldn’t be having a romantic relationship in a psychiatric hospital. You need to focus on yourself if you want to stay on course for your release,”   
“Chuck,” Castiel pleaded one last time, he was on the verge of tears, he couldn’t comprehend what was happening.  
“That’s my final decision Cas, some time apart from Dean Winchester will do you, and him, some good,”  
“I don’t want it to, Chuck, I’ll go out of my mind if I can’t see him,”  
“You’re not going to change my mind, the only contact I want you to have with him is in group therapy, and even that will be limited. I understand that you two have an intimate relationship and I only allowed it because I thought you two would have a positive effect on each other but after this, I have no other option than to put an end to it. This is neither the place nor situation for what you have with Dean,” Doctor Shurley explained adamantly.   
“Fuck you, Chuck,” Castiel croaked. He couldn’t take any more of this, he stormed out of Doctor Shurley’s office, slamming the door for effect. He needed to let off steam and couldn’t find a way doing that until he walked past the art room, spying his paintings. Castiel strode over to one and picked it up. He held it for a second before tearing into the canvas, destroying his work. He went ahead and wrecked every single piece that he had created, causing anyone who witnessed it to worry. 

Dean had managed to doze off after nibbling some of his dinner but was woken up by a clicking sound. Meg entered Dean’s room but kept her distance.   
“Dean?” Meg asked down to him.  
“Yeah?” Dean replied, sitting up, his neck cracked and muscles ached.  
“We’re gonna move you to a different room,” Meg told him.  
“Alright,” Dean nodded groggily and stood.  
“Just walk across the hall for me,” Meg instructed, stepping out of the room. Dean did as she said, he left the bare room for one exactly the same, save for a bed and chair. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as the nurse organised his medication.  
“Okay, you’ll probably get a really nasty headache until your body adjusts to this but it should be smooth sailing after that,” Meg handed over the cups she was holding, “if there are any problems, there’s a panic button beside the door, so hit that,”  
“And I won’t feel anything?” Dean nodded.  
“Nothing extreme, your moods will start to even out and neutralise. Essentially, you will become flat and possibly feel empty,”  
“Heavy stuff,” Dean sighed.  
“You sure you wanna go through with it?”  
“Yeah. Will I still be on the lithium and Rozerm?”  
“Rozerm, yes, the lithium has been switched to fluoxetine,”  
“Alright,” Dean nodded and gave the nurse a half-hearted smile, “bottoms up,” he downed the medication easily.   
“Too easy,” Meg smiled, “how are you coping with the isolation, bud?”  
“It’s not fun, I wish I had a baseball,” Dean replied.  
“I know, just remember that there is always staff around,”  
“I will but I’ve got an extra week in this hole,”  
“Did you request it?”  
“No but I think Crowley caught on that I wanted it, that on top of what I did to Cas,”  
“I see,”  
“People say that a lot, but do they really understand?”  
“We try to, well, at least I try to,” Meg was quiet for a moment, “is it true you and Cas are together?”  
“For want of a better word, I suppose it is true,”  
“You suppose so?”  
“It’s more complicated than either of us care to admit,” Dean said.  
“Yeah, especially in a place like this. Do you think it’ll last?”  
“I really don’t know, I don’t know if I want it too. I’ve never had a serious relationship and tend to ruin anything good in my life,”  
“He might have similar fears. Admittedly, he’s had a few flings during his stay here but from what I’ve seen of how he acts around you, he’s besotted,” Meg made for the door but turned to say more, “don’t worry so much about ruining this, he’s not likely to give up on you, no matter what you do to him,”  
“What do you think will happen when he sees me for who, what, I am and he doesn’t like it?” Dean looked away and set his jaw, terrified at the prospect of having someone actually be there for him.   
“You’ve beat the crap out of him, twice. I doubt anything will stop him if that didn’t,” Meg explained. Dean nodded but didn’t answer.  
“You don’t believe me, do you?”  
“No,” Dean replied bluntly.  
“Very well,” Meg sighed and shook her head, “I’ll be back to check on you in the morning,” she stated, leaving Dean in silence. He was still for a moment before curling up on the bed, pulling the covers close around him. All he wanted to do was push Castiel away so that both of them would be safe but there was nothing either of them could do now. They had fallen in foolish, desperate, passionate, love for each other.

 

oOo

 

At lunch the following day, Castiel had tried to sit on his own but Balthazar joined him and was in a particularly chatty mood.  
“I haven’t seen your boyfriend in a while,” Balthazar said.  
“Leave it, Balth,” Castiel groaned, still reeling from the fact that he would be separated from Dean.  
“Aw, do you miss him?”  
“Yes, I do miss him,”  
“I knew it, why don’t you go see him?”  
“He’s in isolation,”  
“That hasn’t stopped you before,”  
“I’m no longer allowed to go near him,”  
“What, they can’t do that, can they?”  
“Evidently, they can,”  
“Don’t pout, Cassie, you’ll get wrinkles,”  
“Will you stop, for one minute will you just stop?”  
“Look at you, bearing your claws,”  
“I’m not in the mood for this,” Castiel left the cafeteria and went in search of a distraction, that was when Charlie found him.  
“Hey, Cas,” Charlie greeted cheerfully.  
“Hey, Charlie,” Castiel tipped his head to her.  
“How you doing?”  
“I’m not great, I’m sure you’ve heard what’s happened,”  
“I have, yes, I’m sorry, Cas. I don’t really agree with Chuck’s decision but I can see the sense in it,”  
“Well, there isn’t much either of us can do,”  
“If there is anything else you need, just ask, okay,”  
“Sure, I think I’m just going to go and lie down or something,”  
“Sure thing, do you want me to walk with you?”  
“No, I’d prefer to be alone,”  
“Alright, I’ll see you later,” Charlie flashed him a smile but Castiel didn’t return it, instead he simply mopped down the hallway, back to the solitude and safety of his room. 

By midday, Dean had been given three doses of his new medication and it was starting to take effect. He sat in the middle of the room, feeling strangely at ease in an empty sort of way. He felt like there would be no more pain or worry or stress, but it was the sort of feeling that also promised no more joy or hope. He opened his eyes after a long time of trying to meditate and looked down to see that his shirt was splattered with blood. His hand went to his nose, which was running like a tap. He stood to reach for the panic button but his legs gave out and his head suddenly felt like it was going to explode. Dean collapsed to the floor and had to drag himself over to the wall in order to press the big red button. It was Meg who found him, barely conscious and smeared in blood. She ran to raise the alarm and from then it was all hands on deck. Four nurses came to aid in stabilising Dean, he was laid on his side so that the blood could drain from his nose. He tried to object to the hands that ran over his body but the words only came out as soft mutterings.   
“Crowley again?” Anna asked as she checked Dean’s pulse, which was worryingly high.  
“Not now, Anna,” Meg said, shining a light into Dean’s eyes. He was vaguely aware of what was going on, he heard voices and saw figures but it was all distant and blurred.  
“You know that drug is iffy,” Anna continued.  
“It’s proven to work, our job is to look after Dean, not to question his doctor,” Meg scolded the younger nurse, “has anyone called an ambulance?” she called into the hallway. Dean tasted blood at the back of his mouth and coughed it up onto the floor, he gasped for air and struggled weakly against the nurses. His head felt like it was being split open and his chest became heavy, so much so that he couldn’t take a deep breath. This caused panic to set in, his legs kicked and his eyes watered. He was trapped him a suffocating body and couldn’t get out. He groaned loudly and tried to sit up, to get himself moving, hoping some survival instinct would kick in.  
“No, Dean, stay still,” Meg urged, she managed to keep him immobile until paramedics arrived on the scene. They lifted Dean onto a gurney and strapped an oxygen mask to his face. He was wheeled out of the hospital with Meg following close beside him.  
“Dean, can you hear me?” Meg spoke, “I need you to relax,”  
“This fucking hurts,” Dean managed to reply, he winced and groaned again, clutching at his chest.  
“Where does it hurt?” Meg asked just as they reached the waiting ambulance.  
“Everywhere,” Dean moaned, writhing around, a hand pressed to his forehead. 

The nurse stayed with Dean for the ride to the emergency room, she tried to keep him calm but was preoccupied by the interrogating questions from the paramedics. She gave them as much information as she could, she was familiar with Dean’s case but didn’t know every little detail. Once at the hospital, Dean was given light pain killers and set up with an I.V and ECG monitors until an ER doctor could see him. It was a young doctor, who was probably barely out of medical school, that tended to Dean. He checked over him and took blood samples.  
“I need to know every medication he’s taken in the past 24 hours,” the young man said hurriedly to Meg.  
“I’ll write it down,” Meg replied, making a list for the doctor.  
“When was the last time he ate?”  
“He might have had something the day before yesterday, he refuses to eat a lot,”  
“Is he dangerous?”  
“Only when provoked,”  
“Alright, thank you, you can stay if you want but we’ve got it from here,” the young doctor proceeded to attach several more monitors to Dean’s chest and stomach.  
“What do you think is happening?” Meg asked as the doctor worked.  
“The tox screen will give us some idea but I’d say it’s an overdose. We’ll clear his system and try to get some food into him,”  
“Alright, will you call the hospital with news?”  
“Of course,” the doctor set a security guard on Dean before rushing off. Meg was left to sign Dean’s admittance papers and to somehow find her own way back to the ward. Dean spent the rest of the day crying out in pain, swearing or vomiting blood. He tried to relax but his muscles spasmed too much. He gave the nurses hell and didn’t trust his doctor, no one spoke to him outside of asking how severe his pain was. He was afraid and alone in this, craving Castiel’s presence more than ever. 

Back at the ward, Castiel found that he couldn’t sit still for more than a couple of minutes. He stayed up late drawing charcoal portraits and was adamant to stay in the art room even after lights out. Charlie ran interference with the other staff and allowed Castiel to stay where he was, there wasn’t much she could do to cheer him up but at least she could do this. The nurse sat with him through the night, they talked a little but not about anything significant. Charlie knew that he was struggling but he was doing so remarkably well, he wasn’t acting out or hurting himself, he was being constructive and kept himself busy, even if he was slumping into a depression. She knew to stay away from telling him that Dean had been taken to the ER, there was only so much worry that he could take.  
“You’ll still see him, you know,” Charlie offered.  
“But I won’t be able to talk to him, touch him, smell him,” Castiel replied melancholically.  
“It’s still something,”  
“It’s hardly anything,”  
“And it’s not permanent,”  
“But there’s no set time frame,”  
“Do you know what a black dog is?”  
“It’s a dog with black fur,”  
“It’s an expression for someone who makes anything positive that they see into something negative,”  
“This is a positively negative situation,” Castiel placed the pencils down and looked straight at Charlie.  
“I know it sucks but it could be so much worse,”  
“What Chuck is doing is torture, he’s dangling Dean right in front of me but not letting me near him,” Castiel yelled, “what could possibly worse than that?” He dipped his head down and concentrated on his drawing.  
“Cas?” Charlie said softly but got no response. She sighed, her heart aching for him, and left the art room. Castiel didn’t like how he had yelled at Charlie, especially after she’d tried to help him, but what he said was the truth. It would kill him to see Dean walking around ward and not being able to approach. He thought about Doctor Shurley’s conditions; the separation would end only when Dean’s behaviour became for sociable and when Castiel showed a decrease in obsession. He knew that Doctor Crowley would put Dean on stronger medication so his mood swings wouldn’t be a problem, all Castiel would have to do is convince Chuck that he wasn’t consumed by thoughts of Dean. That, he decided, would be the difficult part.

 

oOo

 

The following morning, after a restless sleep and meagre breakfast, Dean was visited by the young doctor whom he didn’t trust.  
“Good morning, Dean,” the doctor said as he looked over Dean’s chart.  
“Morning, Doc,” Dean replied.  
“I’m glad to see you’ve eaten today,”  
“Don’t expect much more of that,” Dean rolled his eyes.  
“How are you feeling today?”  
“Pretty crap,”  
“Well, that’s to be expected after having an accidental overdose,”  
“How could that happen?”  
“Any number of ways, the amount of prescription medication in your system was off the charts and the fact that your stomach was virtually empty didn’t help either. You were lucky we didn’t have to pump your stomach,”  
“How long should I expect to stay here?”  
“Another couple of days for observation, I’m going to keep you on the I.V for today though,”  
“Alright,”  
“I know you’re a patient at Portsmouth, would you like to speak to our resident psychiatrist?”  
“No, I’ll be fine,”  
“Very well, I’ll be back this afternoon but do try to relax, the worst is over,” the doctor left after that, leaving Dean in a surly mood. Him overdosing was Doctor Crowley’s fault and that made his skin crawl, he felt sick over that but didn’t have the energy to dwell on it, it was a shame really, he had just started to trust his doctor. He curled up under the thin blankets, not sleeping but not really awake either, all he could think about was how worried Castiel would be now and how much he looked forward to seeing him again. He was tired and sore and he planned on spending the next couple of days watching day time tv. He would take a break from himself and let whatever Doctor Crowley had given him work its way out of his system.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey, I'd really like to know where all of my rapid readers are from so lemme know in the comments if you want. I'm an Australian if you hadn't already guessed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley makes a mistake, Dean and Castiel deal with Chuck's decision and some sneaking around is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, 
> 
> I'm sorry that I'm posting this chapter a lot later than I usually would, it was my birthday yesterday and I was kinda hungover this morning. Even so, it is still Monday and I'm still posting a new chapter, I hope y'all enjoy it and let me know what you think. Again, please bare with me on the chapter lengths, this one is a little shorter like last week, I've been ridiculously busy with work and school and caught the flu. I'll get back up to standard soon... I hope. 
> 
> xGG

Dean was feeling much more engaged when he was taken back to the ward, he was placed back in an isolation room after a brief medical exam. He lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the fact that his nightmares had gotten worse whilst he was at the ER. He wasn’t surprised when he awoke screaming and sweating but really worried over it, he determined he was only going to get worse before he got any better. Castiel decided he’d had enough of being away from Dean, at least not until he told him what was going on. It was relatively easy for him to sneak to the isolation area, the nurse on duty wasn’t paying much attention and the orderly assigned to the area must have been on break. He went to Dean’s room and hesitantly knocked on the door to get his attention, peering in the window.  
“What do you want, Cas?” Dean said, somehow knowing who was at the door.  
“I wanted to check on you, to make sure that you’re okay,”  
“Well, seeing as how I just got back from the hospital, I’m fine,” Dean said curtly.  
“Wait, you were at the hospital?” Castiel gaped, concerned about what possibly could have happened.  
“Didn’t they tell you?” Dean asked as he sat up.  
“No, what happened?”  
“Just a small case of over dosing on prescription medication,”  
“How did that happen?”  
“I don’t know,”  
“Are you alright now?”  
“Alright enough to be back here,”  
“I was worried about you being in here for so long, in case you were wondering,”  
“I wasn’t,” Dean stated. Castiel sighed and sat down opposite the door, questioning whether or not to tell Dean about their separation. Did he really need another concern on his mind? Dean grumbled under his breath and stood up, wandering over to the door. He looked down at Castiel and frowned. Castiel had his hands clasped in front of him, he glanced up and caught Dean watching him with that piercing glare of his. He couldn’t help but to look away from it.  
“Am I not someone you want to look at anymore?” Dean asked as he saw is reflection in the window, he looked like death walking.  
“No,” Castiel hesitated, “I could look at you for forever,”  
“Cas, I need you to say what you came here to say, then leave me be,” Dean said, already feeling drained from the conversation.  
“You’re not gonna like this, but Chuck has made a stupid arse decision,” Castiel took a deep breath before continuing, “Doctor Shurley has decided to keep us separated, we can’t talk to each other or be near one another,” Castiel explained.  
“Why has he done that?” Dean asked sternly.  
“He thinks some time apart will do us some good,” Castiel said, knowing that it was only half the truth. He didn’t want Dean feeling more guilt over what he had done to his face.   
“Did you tell him how stupid that would be?” Dean’s expression turned dark.  
“Yes,”  
“How are you here then?”  
“I snuck past the nurse’s station but all of the staff know,”  
“What do we do now?”  
“I don’t know, but know that I still love you,” Castiel said. Dean nodded before slamming a fist into the door, causing Castiel to jump.  
“Maybe Chuck is wise in making this decision,” Dean said after having to take a minute to calm himself, pressing his own forehead to the window.  
“He’s not,” Castiel promised.  
“You’ll be safe, though, being away from me until I have a handle on things,”  
“You do have a handle on things,”  
“Obviously I don’t,” Dean gestured to his surroundings.  
“You’re doing okay, Dean,”  
“I’m scared, Cas,”  
“I know, but you’re doing okay, I’ll tell you every day if I have to but you’re doing okay,” Castiel assured.   
“God, I’m such a mess, how do you stand me?”  
“I’d prefer to be with someone who’s as messed up as you, than be with someone who’s boring,” Castiel admitted.  
“You deserve someone so much better than me,”  
“No, I don’t think so,”  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Dean cried.  
“It’s okay,”  
“It’s really not,” Dean said shakily.  
“I love you, that’s all that matters,”  
“I love you too,” every time Dean said those words it became easier and easier, and every time he believed them more.   
“I should go, Dean, I think someone’s coming,” Castiel said, it still felt like a punch in the gut when Dean said those three little words. They were the best thing he could ever hear and it made him light headed.  
“Yeah, don’t get into trouble on my account,” Dean nodded, pulling away from the door. Castiel looked to Dean one last time before reluctantly leaving.

 

oOo

 

The next few days were pretty easy for Dean, he’d strangely gotten used to isolation, he’d gotten used to how calm he felt with his own thoughts. He was sitting in the eye of a storm that he dared not touch. He paid less and less attention to the medication that he was given, taking the mysterious pills without question. He often ignored his food, only picking at the meals enough to avoid being force fed. Every evening he would scream himself awake even if he was doped up on sedatives and every morning he’d have to deal with it. At least he was starting to sink into a routine, even if he wasn’t getting any better. Routines were meant to be calming and make you feel stable but Dean hated how he lived at that moment. There was nothing worse than being so unsure in such a controlled environment. After being set up in a single room and granted the freedom to be back amongst the general population, Dean took up a seat in the corner of the common room. He noticed that the supervising staff were keeping a closer eye on him on him than any of the other patients. Perhaps it was so they could keep track of his movements or because they feared what he might do.

Castiel avoided any communal areas of the ward, knowing that Dean was being released from isolation and not wanting to accidently catch sight of him. This was going to be a painful transition, but was one that had to be made, at least for now. He sat at the back of the art room working on a new painting, it was always empty in the mornings because most patients got visitors or had private therapy. He was interrupted by a cough from beside him, he looked up and there was Pamela taking a seat opposite him.  
“Hey, Pam,” Castiel grumbled.  
“How you doing, Cas?” Pamela asked right off the bat.  
“Oh, you know,” Castiel sighed.  
“No, I don’t, that’s why I asked,”  
“I’m not great,”  
“Yes, I assumed as much,”  
“Yeah, I’m not having a fun time right now,”  
“How come?” Pamela knew full well what was bugging Castiel but also knew that getting the words out would help.  
“Being forcibly separated from Dean, it’s a bit of a blow to the head,”  
“I know but there’s something you need to do,”  
“What?”  
“Accept it and concentrate on your recovery,”  
“It’s not that easy, Pam,”  
“You don’t think I understand that?”  
“I think you have an understanding many of things,”  
“Then listen to what I’m saying, it’s not going to help you any by pining over Dean. Focus on getting released and keep yourself busy in the interim,”  
“Do you expect me to forget about how I feel about him?”  
“Of course not, just put them aside for the time being,”  
“You agree with Chuck then?”  
“Not necessarily but I will not deny that Dean hurt you and that possibly restricting your interaction with him will stabilise him. He’s still in a very fragile place and we might have been premature in allowing such a relationship between you two,” Pamela said softly, trying to get Castiel to not be so bitter about the situation.   
“You don’t say,” Castiel sulked.  
“Cas, I don’t know what you expect me to say,”  
“Will you talk to Chuck, get him to back off?”  
“After some time, maybe,”  
“I don’t think I’ll last long,”  
“You could look at it as your first step to transitioning,”  
“Transitioning to what?”  
“To getting out of here,”  
“What? Has Chuck said something to you? Do you know how long it’ll be?” Castiel drilled.  
“Woah, hold on there, all I know is that Doctor Shurley is really considering transitioning you out,”  
“Really?” Castiel couldn’t help but smile.  
“Yeah, Cas, you could be leaving soon,” Pamela smiled back, “you’d be seeing less and less of Dean anyway,”  
“But that would have been gradual,”  
“But it still would have happened, it’s just happening sooner,” Pamela said smoothly.  
“At least he’s not out of my life entirely,” Castiel responded optimistically.  
“There you go,” Pamela laughed, “being glum never does any good,”  
“I’ll try to cheer up,”  
“That’s all I ask, is there anything else I can do?”  
“Can you tell Dean this is here?”  
“The painting?”  
“Yeah, it’s for him,”  
“Sure, I can do that,”  
“And tell him I love him,”  
“Of course, hon,”  
“Thanks,”  
“Pleasure,” Pamela flashed Castiel another smile and left him with his artwork as patients started to trickle into the art room.

By late afternoon that day, Dean was escorted to Doctor Crowley’s office, he arrived just a Lucifer was leaving.  
“Hey, Lucifer,” Dean nodded, he was ignored by the other man but he shrugged it off. Dean lingered in the hallway before knocking on the door, he entered before Doctor Crowley had the chance to call him in. Dean gave his doctor a stern glare and stood in front of him, waiting for him to speak first. Doctor Crowley sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.  
“Before you complain, what happened was an accident, sometimes the dosages of medication get mistaken and the wrong amount is given out,” the doctor explained.  
“That’s no excuse,” Dean replied.  
“If you want to blame someone, blame a nurse,”  
“Nurses follow the prescriptions, doctors write them out,” Dean hissed, crossing his arms.  
“Someone messed up along the line, it’s rare to see such a bad reaction, however,”  
“It wasn’t a bad reaction, I over dosed,”  
“And it won’t happen again,”  
“You could have warned me, Crowley, you could have warned me it could get that bad, that shit could have killed me,” Dean started to yell.  
“You shouldn’t have been in any danger, otherwise I wouldn’t have prescribed it,” Doctor Crowley met Dean’s tone, standing to get at eye level with him.  
“Are you keeping me on it?”  
“I have changed the dosages,”  
“Are you keeping me on it?”  
“Yes, but you won’t be taking as much,”  
“Are you sure it works?”  
“Very,”  
“Why should I trust you?”  
“Have I given you a reason not to?”  
“A few, yes,” Dean rolled his eyes.  
“I’m trying to help you,”  
“I’ve gotten worse, since you’ve been trying to help me,”  
“And you’ll get better on this medication,” the older man pressed.  
“Okay,” Dean took a deep breath and sat down, his posture as stiff as ever.  
“What, you’re gonna accept this that easily?”  
“I’m slowly learning to give people second chances,” Dean admitted.  
“Thank you, Dean, I will try to earn more of your trust but you might not be so willing to today,”  
“How so?”  
“Apart from wanting to make sure that you’re alright, I wanted to see you because, and don’t over react, I may need to reassess your diagnosis,”  
“Why?”  
“Because I need to determine whether or not I got it wrong,”  
“Wrong? How?” Dean’s voice rose and his expression hardened.  
“I expected you to be further along in your treatment by now and it’s possible that the reason you’re not is because you don’t have bipolar,” Doctor Crowley stated carefully.  
“Then what do I have?” Dean asked flatly.  
“You still present with anxiety, depression and paranoia but I believe that you have intermittent explosive disorder. This explains the random surges of anger, mixed in with good days where you could pass as a relatively stable person,”  
“English, Crowley, English,” Dean seethed, keeping his lid from blowing.  
“The bouts of anger? Followed by guilt? It’s a disorder in of its own and it’s commonly mistaken for bipolar,”  
“For fuck’s sake, Crowley,” Dean leant back and stared at the doctor, fixing him with a look that could kill.  
“What?”  
“I’ve been here, what, five months and you’re switching up your diagnosis like you’re doing the hokie pokie,”  
“All of the tests that were done at the ER and that I did when you first arrived all pointed to bipolar, you need to understand that this mix up is very common,” Doctor Crowley sighed, his expression turning soft, “it was a mistake, Dean, and I’m sorry that I made it,”  
“And now you’re gonna want to do more tests?” Dean ran a hand over his face and felt his shoulders shake.  
“Yes,” Doctor Crowley nodded, “I need to formally re-diagnose you,”  
“Fine,” Dean gripped the arm rests, he was pissed that this had happened and that Crowley seemed to be brushing it off slightly but would have to give it to him for admitting his mistake and apologising for it.

Doctor Crowley allowed a moment of heavy silence to pass by, he retrieved a piece of paper from his desk and placed it in front of him. He would need to ask Dean some pretty probing questions and steeled himself for the response that he might get.   
“Dean,” Doctor Crowley finally spoke, “I’m going to ask you a series of questions, all you need to do is answer yes or no,”  
“Okay,” Dean replied.   
“Do you have trouble controlling your temper?”  
“Obviously,” Dean retorted. Doctor Crowley nodded and wrote down the answer.   
“Do you have occasional attacks of rage?”  
“Seriously, Crowley, you already know that answer to these,” Dean complained.   
“Indeed, but they still need to be asked,” the doctor scolded, “do you overeat to situations or provocations?” Doctor Crowley continued.   
“I don’t know, do I?”  
“From my observations, you do overeat, a lot,”   
“Really?”  
“You pick fights with anyone who looks at you funny,” Doctor Crowley stated. Dean scowled at the older man but nodded his agreement.   
“Have you had episodes of rage during which you assaulted someone or destroyed property?” Doctor Crowley asked.   
“We both know the answer to that,”  
“Did you ever assault someone before you were admitted here?” the doctor mused, it wasn’t a question but knowing Dean’s history would help.  
“I got into a lot of fights, sure, but most guys my age do,” Dean shrugged.   
“Were the fights justified?”  
“You’re asking if I picked them for no reason,”  
“I am,”  
“Come to think of it,” Dean started, he had to think back to answer honestly, “anything outside of defending myself or Sam probably could have been resolved without a punch up,”  
“Okay,” Doctor Crowley made a note of what Dean had said before moving on, “do you have a problem with alcohol or drugs?”  
“Let’s just say that all of my money went to food or booze,”  
“Alright, does your family have a history of violent behaviour?”  
“If my father was anything to go by, I’d say so but I didn’t know anyone else on his side and my mother was the kindest person I knew,”  
“Have you suffered from a head injury?”  
“Many times, probably,”  
“Do you or your family have a history of epilepsy?”  
“I don’t, and I know dad nor Sam didn’t, but I couldn’t say when it comes to the rest of my family,”  
“Okay, last question, do you or your family have a history of depression or anxiety?”  
“Yeah, I think it would be accurate to say that I certainly do,”  
“Alright, well, that’s it,” Doctor Crowley announced.  
“So, how do you expect to cure me of intermittent explosive disorder?” Dean asked.  
“There is no magic cure, like with most mental illnesses, you manage them but I suspect you’ll live with this for the rest of your life. Therapy and medication is key in controlling it,”  
“Alright, well, do I have it or not?”  
“I want to consult a colleague, who’s an expert in IED, before making a final diagnosis,”  
“Sure, you should also know that my nightmares have started getting really bad again, and I saw my father when I snapped on the zen trip,”  
“That’s troubling,”  
“You don’t say,”  
“What do you think brought it up?”  
“I don’t know,”  
“Well, it seems that they return when you lash out, it could be a side effect of guilt,”  
“What would I be guilty of?”  
“Dean, your whole personality is built on guilt; for your brother, for how your father treated you, for what you’ve done to Castiel,”  
“I don’t feel guilty for those things, I blame myself for them,”  
“Blame and guilt go hand in hand, Dean,”  
“Okay, okay, what can I do to shift it?”  
“Simple answer, don’t feel so guilty over everything, don’t put so much of it on your shoulders,”  
“How am I supposed to do that?”  
“I could say you should love yourself more but I know it won’t work, we both know that this is something that you’ll have to figure out on your own,” Doctor Crowley said, gaining a strange look from Dean, it wasn’t one of trust nor suspicion, but one of recognition. 

From the get go, Dean had mistrusted Doctor Crowley, he had always thought that the good doctor regarded him like a trapped insect that he could scrupulously study. It was only when Crowley told Dean to figure out how to solve this on his own because he didn’t know how to, that he found a new respect for his doctor and an amount of trust that he’d never given to anyone else.  
“Will the re-diagnosis help get me out of here?” Dean asked.  
“It will allow us to come up with a more tailored therapy, which will get the ball rolling for your release,”   
“And if nothing you try works?”  
“If worse comes to worse, we do have other options,”  
“What other options?”  
“More surgical options,”  
“You’re talking about electroconvulsive therapy, aren’t you?”  
“I am,”  
“Is it a viable option for me?”  
“It could be, if you go completely off the rails,” Doctor Crowley answered. Dean nodded and sucked air in through his teeth, he knew it was likely that he would go off the reservation and he also knew that he would try anything to get out of this god forsaken hospital and that he would move the world to be good for Castiel.   
“I’d like to sign the paper work,” Dean said, deciding that no more damage could be done.  
“Are you sure?” Doctor Crowley raised an eyebrow.  
“Yes,” Dean affirmed, “but as a last resort,”  
“And what defines last resort?” the doctor asked as he collected the necessary paperwork.  
“If there becomes a point when I can’t be talked down, when you see no other option,” Dean said as he reached for a pen and signed his name across the dotted line.  
“Alright, I’ll organise it when it becomes required,”  
“As a last resort, Crowley,” Dean affirmed, sliding the papers back to the doctor.  
“Last resort,” the older man echoed, “come back in a couple of days and we’ll confirm your final diagnosis, but for now, go see Pamela, she’ll be able to help with the nightmares,”  
“Will do,” Dean said as he stood, leaving the office. He was starting to come to ease with going with the flow of this place, he was willing to let the people who know what they are doing take control, this was uncharted waters but he felt safe in them.

Dean wanted to see Pamela straight away but as he made his way down a flight of stairs he saw Castiel starting to climb them, they both froze when eye contact was made. There weren’t any staff members nearby so they had a small chance to lay eyes on each other, speaking without opening their mouths. The corners of Castiel’s mouth twitched upwards and he gestured his head in a way that asked Dean to follow him. The black haired man retreated from the stairs and walked briskly down a hallway, making for his room. Dean followed at a safe distance until he figured out where Castiel was going and decided to go the long way to detract attention. Dean slipped into Castiel’s room when he reached it, leaving the door slightly ajar.   
“Hello,” Dean smiled at the man that was draped seductively across his bed.  
“Hello,” Castiel replied, waving Dean over. Dean approached and straddled Castiel, entwining their hands. He looked fondly at the man under him and smiled broadly, he listened for a moment, making sure that no one was going to interrupt, and ducked in to kiss Castiel quickly.  
“Don’t leave me hanging,” Castiel complained, sitting up to steal another kiss.  
“Never,” Dean grinned, his eyes leaving Castiel for a moment only to land on a chess board that was set on an unfinished game, “who were you playing with?” Dean raised an eyebrow.  
“Ironically, I was playing against myself,” Castiel replied, pulling Dean closer. Dean nodded, not quite sure if Castiel was telling him the truth, he pushed the thought out of his mind and stared at Castiel’s adorable face. Castiel smirked and reached up to caress Dean’s cheek, enjoying the simple intimacy of the moment.  
“I’ve missed this,” Dean said, leaning in to kiss Castiel’s neck.  
“What’s the plan if we’re caught?”  
“There isn’t one, I don’t care if we are,” Dean stated, grinding against Castiel, who bit back a gasp, kissing Dean deeply then, forcing his tongue against his. He grasped at Dean’s shirt whilst bitting his lip. Dean pulled his shirt off and slid his hands under Castiel’s.  
“I’ve definitely missed this,” Castiel murmured, fingers tracing down Dean’s bare chest, occasionally bumping against a scar or two. Dean grabbed Castiel’s wrists and pinned them above his head, kissing his all over his face and down his neck. He pressed his body against Castiel’s, feeling the electricity spark between them. Castiel broke away from Dean’s grip and tore his shirt off quickly, a second later Dean ran his tongue up his chest before moving to suck on the skin just below Castiel’s belly button, relishing in the other man’s shudders.   
“Dean, are you sure? We could get caught any moment,” Castiel said, stopping Dean from moving any lower.  
“Isn’t that half the fun?” Dean groaned.  
“Someone is gonna walk in on us, someone we probably don’t want to see this,”  
“Don’t you want this?” Dean sighed, sitting back.  
“I…we haven’t had sex in months,” Castiel stared at Dean pointedly, “of course I want this. I’m just saying,” he shrugged, glancing to the door.  
“You’re right,” Dean nodded, he got up from on top of Castiel and retrieved his shirt, “to be resumed?”  
“Maybe I’ll come visit you tonight,”  
“Maybe you should,” Dean replied, sitting back down across from Castiel, he took his hand and gripped it tight, “I should make myself scarce,” he leant in for another kiss and was gone from the room in the same second. Dean’s taste lingered on Castiel’s lips and his scent hung in the room. He had to admit that sneaking around like this was exhilarating and he treasured even the briefest moments he got to spend with Dean.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry about the late post again, today was my first day back at school. As I am now at Uni chapters may be delayed, I honestly don't know as I don't have my timetable or course outline yet but I will let you know when chapters will be posted. 
> 
> I couldn't be bothered with a summery this week, so again, my apology's. 
> 
> Hope you like this week's offering and as always, please feel free to let me know what you honestly think. 
> 
> Thank you all so much. 
> 
> xxGG

Dean ducked away from Castiel’s room, only a few patients saw him leave and that didn’t worry him. He checked the time when he passed a clock and figured that if he went and saw Pamela now, he would manage to skip dinner. Dean found the counsellor in an empty office, it was strange seeing her sitting being a desk surrounded with stacks of folders.  
“Hey, Pam,” Dean asked after knocking on the door frame.  
“Shouldn’t you be at dinner?” Pamela murmured.  
“You busy?”   
“I’m always busy,” Pamela replied hoarsely.  
“I’ll come back later,” Dean replied awkwardly.  
“No, no, come on in,” Pamela pulled off her bifocals and looked up at Dean, who perched on a pile boxes.  
“What are you doing?” Dean asked, looking around at the mess of the room.  
“Reports mostly,”  
“I didn’t even know you had an office,”  
“I don’t, but right now I have forty patients to assess and review, so for the time being I have an office,”  
“Bloody hell,”  
“How can I help, Dean?” Pamela asked, pushing away the file that sat in front of her.  
“Ah, well, it turns out Crowley misdiagnosed me, my nightmares are back, I almost had sex with Cas just now but we’re too scared of being caught together because of Doctor Shurley and on top of all that, I fucking agreed to electro shock,” Dean rambled.  
“That’s a lot,” Pamela responded after considering what Dean had said for a moment, “I can’t really help with Cas, he did want me to tell you that there’s a painting in the art room for you though,”  
“Cool, I’ll find it later,”  
“So, Crowley misdiagnosed you?”  
“Yeah, he said I’ve got something called intermittent explosive disorder,”  
“Makes sense,”  
“I wish someone would tell me why this is making so much sense,”  
“You’re a model patient except for when you snap violently with little provocation, that’s the definition of IED,”  
“Alright, makes sense,” Dean agreed.  
“Are you angry that he’s only working this out now?”  
“Of course I’m fucking angry, he’s meant to be a professional and he’s changed his mind after five fucking months,” Dean played with his ring and set his jaw.  
“I get that but to be fair bipolar and IED do get mixed up all of the time, what’s good is that it’s been identified. Has he kept your other diagnoses?”  
“He has,”  
“I’ll chat with him later, we’re gonna have to sort out a more specialised therapy process,”  
“Okay, I suppose I’ll have to start from scratch,” Dean buried his head in his hands.  
“Not quite, you’ve already made considerable progress, but it might feel like you’re going backwards and it’ll be worth it in the long run,” Pamela sighed.  
“Fine,” Dean growled.  
“This isn’t a setback, Dean,”  
“It’s hard not to take it as one,”  
“You shouldn’t. Now the electro shock?”  
“Do you think it’s a good idea?”  
“It has its merits,”  
“Could it work?”  
“Possibly,”  
“I guess we’ll find out if I ever get too bad,”  
“I guess we will, just try not to get too bad,”  
“I’ll try,”  
“Good, and the nightmares?”  
“There’s one in particular that’s gotten really bad,”  
“Okay, let’s try exposure therapy,” Pamela grabbed a scrap piece of paper, “write it down, as much as you can remember,” she handed over the piece and a stray pencil. Dean nodded and wrote down all of the details he could. 

He wrote down that he saw, felt, his father shoving him into an old freezer and burying him alive. He wrote down how he thrashed and clawed at the metal, how he screamed and cried and begged. He wrote how he couldn’t break himself out. Dean took a breath before handing the sheet back to Pamela, she read over it and gave Dean a concerned look.  
“Did he do this to you, in real life?”  
“Yes,” Dean answered softly, swallowing the dry lump in his throat, “it was Sam who dug me out, but in the dream I die there,”  
“Fuck, that confirms that he deserved what came to him,” Pamela mumbled.  
“Are you condoning murder?” Dean asked.  
“Right, now we gotta try to make this nightmare positive by doing image rehearsal,” Pamela ignored the question.  
“Okay, how?”  
“Close your eyes, I want you to visualise the situation where you’re in a freezer but turn it into a simple box,” Pamela said. Dean did as she said, twitching when he saw the freezer. He concentrated on making it a box, somehow turning it into a coffin.  
“It’s my coffin, Pam,” Dean breathed.  
“Okay, there’s a little gap in the lid and when you push on it, it’ll open. I want you to get out of the coffin and stand up in a beautiful field,” Pamela said calmly but urgently. Dean pushed against the lid, he shoved at the wood but the dirt had already been piled on top.  
“This isn’t helping,” Dean ground his teeth, opening his eyes, “I can’t change what I see into anything positive, I’ve never been able to make light of anything,”  
“What makes you happy?”  
“Alcohol, cars, Cas,” Dean listed, shrugging a little.  
“Picture those things then,”  
“Seriously?”  
“Yeah, just humour me,”  
“Alright,” Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes slowly. He pictured his old workshop, his car out back and a customer driving through the big old loading door. He could smell oil and grease, and heard Bobby yelling at the new apprentice. He looked up from this piece of shit V8 engine the he was fixing up and saw Castiel leaning against a bench, wearing torn jeans and one of Dean’s old shirts. Castiel was reading the paper with a beer in hand, his eyes crinkled as he smiled at Dean.   
“How is this meant to help, I have no control over the nightmares?” Dean asked, unable to drag himself out of the day dream.  
“If you train your brain enough, it will automatically change the nightmare into a dream,”  
“If you say so,”  
“Next, I want you to visualise the nightmare again, but before it gets too much, think about the happy stuff,” Pamela told him. Dean closed his eyes once again and saw the nightmare then instantly switched back to the work shop.  
“Alright, relax for a minute,” Pamela suggested after Dean opened his eyes. He leant back, forcing himself to ease up.   
“Sometimes I wish he’d left me in that freezer,” Dean sighed, he didn’t really mean to say it out loud.  
“Life doesn’t work like that, it’s good that your brother found you,”  
“Sometimes I’m not quite sure,”  
“Should we be worried that you might try something?” Pamela leaned forward and gave Dean a quizzical look.  
“No, at least I don’t think so,”  
“Dean, if you are even considering thinking about harming yourself, you need to tell me,”  
“I’m not, I won’t,” Dena replied firmly.  
“Good, it’d be a shame if anything happened to you,”  
“Really?”  
“Really, you ready to try again?”  
“Sure,” Dean heaved in a breath and went through the process again, he saw the inside of the freezer and managed to make it until he was scratching at the metal before picturing his work shop.

Pamela watched Dean, she noticed all of the tiniest twitches his face made. She noticed how he tried to hide the fact that he was white knuckling it and how his face seemed to lift before he opening his eyes, a certain shine in them that she rarely saw. She was so proud that he was actively accepting this form of therapy, only a couple months ago he would have scoffed at her and stormed off. In another lifetime Pamela would have certainly made a move on Dean, Castiel was definitely quite fortunate to snag his attention and affection.   
“How do you feel?” Pamela asked after walking Dean through the procedure twice more.  
“Kinda shaky, I don’t usually willingly replay that, it’s a little hard for me,”  
“It’s okay, you can fight the nightmares,”  
“Hearing that actually gives me the confidence to do so,”  
“I’m glad to hear it. Take some deep breaths, then when you’re ready you can go. I want you to come see me tomorrow and we’ll go over this again,”  
“Thanks, Pam,” Dean calmed himself down and evened out his breathing, “see you later,” he waved his goodbye and made for the art room. He’d managed to miss the first half of dinner and knew he could get away with skipping the last half. When he got to the art room, it didn’t take long for him to find Castiel’s painting for him, it was the only one with his signature. Dean questioned where all of the other canvases went but was soon made breathless by the portrait in his hands. It was a marvellous thing of pure beauty, it was an abstract piece of Dean’s profile that captured every detail of his face along with somehow showing his personality.  
“Wow,” Dean said to himself, absolutely astounded by Castiel’s talent. He turned the canvas over and saw a small note written in Castiel’s neat handwriting.  
“For Dean, if only the world could see you how I do, they’d fall in love on sight, just as I did, Cas,” Dean read aloud, a thumb brushing over the words. He covered his eyes to stop himself from breaking into tears but found himself laughing, Castiel had painted him and the thought was ridiculous. He placed the canvas back on its shelf and stared at it for the longest time, taking in every detail, every stroke that the brush made. He smiled again and left, going to the common room to watch that evening’s news. He hung around watching tv until Meg came with his medication, he was wary to take it but didn’t want to cause any more trouble, so he swallowed the pills and opened his mouth to prove that he had.  
“You weren’t at dinner, Dean,” Meg stated after Dean had handed back the plastic cups.  
“I wasn’t hungry,” Dean responded, moving to leave.  
“You haven’t eaten at all today,” Meg stopped him, “I’m going to have to report you to Doctor Crowley, you know that,”  
“Do what you want,” Dean said, he was sick of this conversation and didn’t want to justify his decisions to anyone.  
“I’m not going to force you to eat but you need to stop skipping meals,”  
“Sure,” Dean replied, walking off. Meg gave him a scowl that was ignored and moved on to the other patients.

Castiel was a little annoyed when Dean didn’t come to dinner, he hadn’t seen him eat in a while now and he was starting to worry about why. God, Chuck was right, all of his thoughts were of Dean and of Dean’s wellbeing. He had to shift his focus if he wanted to reap the rewards of successful therapy. Dean was important to him but he wasn’t his whole world, only half. Dean couldn’t have come into his life at a more inopportune time, he wasn’t sorry for it but their relationship did complicate things, for both of them. They would have to start getting used to seeing less and less of each other, especially since Dean would be stuck in this hospital long after Castiel had gone. He decided to go to Dean’s room that night so that they could at least talk about these things. Castiel was so close to leaving, so close to being able to live a normal life and he needed Dean to know why he had to stop seeing him. Clarence was trapped, Emmanuel had backed off and he was finally confident in his own skin. Dean would never jeopardise his health but he did have so many different effects on it. Castiel either felt utterly safe with Dean or feared that he would be the end of him. He’d come alive since meeting Dean, he’d gotten so much better since having someone to love, someone else apart from himself to worry about. Now was the time, however, for Castiel to bring his focus back on himself for the final leg. 

Castiel waited until late that night before sneaking to Dean’s room, he was fortunate that it was located the furthest away from the nurse’s station. He shut the door softly behind him and searched the dark room for Dean, who was sprawled on the bed under a pile of sheets.  
“Dean? It’s me,” Castiel spoke.  
“Who else would it be?” Dean said groggily, he rolled onto his back and lifted the sheets, inviting Castiel to get under them with him. Castiel stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed with Dean, he pulled the sheets around them and slid his hands over Dean’s chest.  
“You’ve lost weight,” Castiel observed, “you should eat more,”  
“God, not you too,” Dean groaned, “I really don’t need you harassing me about how much I eat,”  
“Dean, you’ve gone from eating as much as you can as quickly as you can to barely anything,”  
“You just want me to bulk up again, don’t you?” Dean teased, deflecting the attention from himself like usual.  
“Maybe,” Castiel grinned, patting Dean’s stomach. The other man sighed at his rapid weight loss but couldn’t shake how sick he felt whenever he put food into his mouth.  
“You’re only happy with a sculpted man,” Dean forced a laugh.  
“No, I’m happy with you, full stop, even if you’re not all bulky and musclely,” Castiel replied.  
“Thank you,” Dean smiled widely, “that means more to me than you think,”  
“You mean more to me than you think but I do need to loosen my grip on you, so to speak,” Castiel confided.  
“What are you talking about?” Dean tried to wake up a little but his sedatives had taken a hold and he was afraid that he would fall right back to sleep.  
“I’ve been thinking,” Castiel started.  
“Stop the presses,” Dean interrupted.  
“That I do need to bring my focus back to myself and I know how selfish that sounds,”  
“Don’t be ridiculous, I’ve spent whole weeks ignoring you so I can concentrate on myself. You deserve every chance to get better, and if that means you need to take the time to not worry so much about me and direct all of your attention on to yourself, then you should do so,” Dean said.  
“I thought I would go mad without you, but now I see that perhaps we should go along with Chuck’s separation order,”  
“If you think that it’ll be best for you, than let’s,”  
“You sure?”  
“I would never do anything to get between you and your mental stability,”  
“I know,”  
“So, you do whatever you need to do and don’t worry so much about me,”  
“Dean?”  
“That doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving you or that we should end our relationship, I just know that people need to be selfish sometimes for the greater good, and that’s not a bad thing,”  
“You’re taking this so much better than I thought you would,”  
“I’m a sentimentalist at heart,”  
“Yes you are,” Castiel laughed, moving to lie on top of Dean, who yawned and stroked Castiel’s hair, “we’re gonna have to stop meeting secretly though,”  
“Maybe just dial it down a bit,”  
“Just a bit,”  
“You’re gonna have to take the lead on this one, though,” Dean drawled.  
“We’re not fucking if you’re that drugged,” Castiel murmured, “we can wait till morning,”  
“That’s probably best, I can’t stay awake,” Dean closed his eyes and sighed happily.  
“Sleep well, handsome,” Castiel pressed a kiss to Dean’s cheek and nuzzled against him. Dean drew the other man close and slid a hand over his waist, drifting off to sleep easily. Castiel on the other hand, laid awake for hours, listening to Dean’s hushed mumbling before falling asleep himself.

 

oOo

 

When morning broke, it was Castiel who woke up first, he stretched out a little and tried not to wake Dean up. He did wake up though, Dean felt Castiel shifting and rolled on to his side.  
“Morning, Dean,” Castiel whispered.  
“Mornin’,” Dean grunted, squinting at Castiel.  
“How are you feeling?” Castiel pecked Dean on the lips.  
“Good, I didn’t keep you up, did I?” Dean murmured.  
“You’re nightmares have gotten worse, haven’t they?” Castiel asked, unable to deny that he had been woken up by Dean’s moans and mumbling.  
“Yeah,” Dean replied. Castiel nodded and moved to kiss Dean on the neck, he hummed and moved Castiel on top of him. He looked up and smiled.  
“Still want this?” Castiel asked as he straddled Dean.  
“Do you really have to ask?” Dean ran his hands through his hair then placed them on Castiel’s waist, playing with his skin. Castiel moved Dean’s hands above his head and pinned them there, before ducking in to kiss him lightly on the lips. Dean inclined his head upwards and bucked his hips a little. He loved how Castiel was holding him, all he wanted to do was touch Castiel all over but the other man controlled that and it drove him blissfully crazy. Castiel kissed Dean’s jaw and ground his hips into the other man, driving Dean wild, who wriggled under him.  
“Will you stop teasing me,” Dean breathed.  
“No,” Castiel whispered, continuing to grind against Dean as he kissed him soundly. Dean groaned chastely and squirmed impatiently under Castiel’s weight, struggling against his hands. Castiel simply rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on Dean, making sure that he would never get away. He ran his lips across Dean’s chest, moving upwards, when he reached his mouth he stuck his tongue deep into Dean’s mouth and traced it along the roof. Dean shuddered at that, surprised at how practised Castiel was at teasing.  
“You’re over dressed,” Castiel stated.  
“Wanna give me a hand?” Dean grinned. Castiel smirked and released Dean’s hands to help him undress. Dean slid out of his clothes easily, never breaking eye contact with Castiel. Dean took the opportunity to run his hands down Castiel’s chest, the other man sighing happily and admired the man under him. After a moment, Castiel began to kiss his way down Dean’s torso. Dean moaned happily and gripped Castiel’s hair. Castiel smiled, moving his hands to stroke Dean’s face as he started to suck marks randomly across his skin.  
“Marking me as yours?” Dean laughed, looking down at the hickeys.  
“Definitely,” Castiel nodded.  
“I am, you know,” Dean chuckled and stroked the back of Castiel’s neck, “I am yours,”  
“I know,”  
“Stop playing with me then,” Dean groaned, feeling as if electricity was running through him every time Castiel kissed him.  
“Ask nicely,” Castiel licked Dean’s neck.  
“Will you please stop playing with me like a goddam toy,” Dean sighed.  
“Did I ask for blasphemy?” Castiel pressed down into Dean once again, sitting back a little.  
“Jesus fucking Christ, Cas,” Dean rolled his eyes, digging his fingers into Castiel’s skin. 

 

oOo

 

When Charlie came to collect Dean for breakfast, she was perfectly fine with finding Castiel there. The nurse had received instructions from Doctor Crowley that Dean needed to be escorted to every meal just to make sure that the actually got the cafeteria. She simply smiled and suggested that Castiel go the long way to the cafeteria whilst she escorted Dean, the black haired man did just that, arriving in time to find Dean poking at his food. He sat on the other side of the cafeteria and focused on his meal, dreading his upcoming session with Doctor Shurley. After finishing the overcooked porridge, Castiel made his way to his doctor’s office, knocking on the large wooden door and walking into the office.  
“You wanted to see me?” Castiel said as he sat down.  
“Good morning to you to,” Doctor Shurley said, looking up from his notebook. Castiel frowned and waited for the doctor to continue, “I know you’re pissed at me, Cas, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be productive in out sessions,”  
“Fine, I’m actually feeling pretty good,”  
“Good, how have they been treating you?”  
“They’re quiet,”  
“How quiet?”  
“Utterly, there hasn’t been a peep from either of them for a while,”  
“Is that why you’ve been playing chess by yourself?” Doctor Shurley pressed.  
“I don’t feel like playing against anyone else,”  
“It just looks a little suspicious, that’s all,”   
“I can understand that, but really, I was just playing myself,”  
“Okay, I believe you,”  
“I’d be surprised if you didn’t,”  
“You’ve lied to deflect attention before,”  
“Touché,” Castiel said, biting his lip before continuing, “how much longer until I can expect to be discharged?”  
“You’ve been here for a year and a half,” Doctor Shurley started, looking over his notes, “I want to keep you here for another four months, at the most, in that time we’ll start preparing you to re-entre society. It’s not enough to control your personalities in here, Castiel, we really need to make sure you can handle the stresses of the real world without relapsing,” Doctor Shurley explained.  
“What would the preparation involve?”  
“First, we’d give you two supervised day releases a week, then we’d move on to unsupervised ones. After a time we’ll transition you to only living on the ward for half a week, then you’ll become an outpatient, meaning you’d live off the ward but come in every other day for therapy. After a while of keeping a close eye on you, you’ll be free to live where you want and to seek continued profession help if you chose. We’ll manage and track your reaction to being on your own in an uncontrolled environment, it’ll be a slow transition, we won’t throw you in the deep end,”  
“Alright, okay,” Castiel sighed, taking in what Doctor Shurley had said.  
“Does that frustrate you?” Doctor Shurley mused.  
“Of course if frustrates me,” Castiel replied, “I know I can’t rush anything but still, I was expecting another two months, not four,”  
“I’m sorry you weren’t expecting this,” Doctor Shurley said tiredly, “but neither of us can risk taking any chances,”  
“I understand,” Castiel muttered, making for the door quickly.  
“We’re not finished here, Cas,” Doctor Shurley announced.   
“What else could we possibly discuss right now?” Castiel turned around and raised an eyebrow.   
“Amelia,” Doctor Shurley said plainly.  
“What about her?” Castiel swallowed slowly, looking away and fingering the cross that sat around his neck.  
“She called,” Doctor Shurley answered, “she doesn’t want to talk to you but she did want to know how you’re faring,” Doctor Shurley gauged Castiel’s reaction before continuing, “we haven’t talked about her in a while,”  
“We don’t talk about her for a good reason,” Castiel said, guilt biting at his tone.  
“And we really need to start, I think something that is holding you back is guilt,”  
“I hurt her, Chuck, I killed our child,” Castiel said, his voice failing him.  
“I know,” Doctor Shurley said softly, “and the guilt of being responsible for that is an obstacle that you must overcome. You need to forgive yourself, she has,”  
“If she’s forgiven me, how come she doesn’t want to see me?” Castiel asked.  
“Forgiveness isn’t always about other people, Cas, she wants to move on as painlessly as possible, and forgiving you is a way for her to do that,”  
“I…okay, I’ll try to get over the guilt trip,”  
“It isn’t a simple thing, acceptance comes first. Accept that you aren’t to blame,”  
“But I am to blame,”  
“You weren’t in control, at least that’s how you’ve explained it,”  
“It was me physically,”  
“Physicality and personality are two different things entirely,”  
“Not so much for sane people,”  
“You’re not insane,”  
“I have a severe mental illness, close enough,” Castiel stated, making for the door again, he was sick of the conversation and need to get out of the stifling office. Doctor Shurley sighed and rubbed his face tiredly, Castiel’s current mood was worrying him slightly, he was considering lifting the proximity restriction on him and Dean but decided to let things play out for a little while longer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean receives an unexpected but welcomed visitor, Doctor Shurley delivers good news and Dean and Castiel are forced to have a realistic conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've gotta be up real early for school tomorrow, that's why I'm posting now, that and I just finished this chapter. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who reads, hope you like it.
> 
> GG

Days turned into weeks and soon a month had passed, bringing winter and the Christmas spirit. The whole ward was decorated for the season, it was cheap and pathetic and a sore attempt to make the bleak walls more cheerful but it was an attempt none the less. For a month Dean had been forcing himself through therapy, for a month Castiel had been slowly transitioning out and for a month neither had spoken to each other. The early days were the hardest, they’d sneak in a word or a kiss behind closed doors but soon found that it would be impractical to keep it up and stopped the sneaking around altogether. They’d agreed that Castiel got the art room and Dean got the garden, outside of that they had to risk seeing each other with no interaction. It was tough going, only made easier by the fact that Castiel was going to be discharged soon. It was a week from Christmas when Dean was told that he’d be getting a visitor the next day, he knew that it would probably be Bobby but was still excited to see him after so long. To kill the day, Dean wandered to the art room, knowing that Castiel was on one of his day releases, he spent a few hours drawing random things and even folded a couple paper cranes, setting them in front of the supervising nurse as a bit of a piece offering.

Dean checked a clock and knew that the bell for dinner would soon be rung, so he headed straight for the secondary common room at the rear of the ward, knowing that he could avoid eating if he hid out there. That was one of the major problems he still faced, not wanting to eat and not being able to sleep, everything else had sort of fallen into place. He hadn’t snapped in weeks and he had almost completely opened up to Pamela and Doctor Crowley, there were challenges with his therapy but he fought through them whilst being guided by the steady hands of Pamela and his doctor. Dean heard the bell for dinner and positioned himself behind the couch, he wouldn’t be seen from the doorway if anyone came looking and he had a nice view of the garden from here. It hadn’t snowed yet but the outside was a beautiful sort of grey that made him feel warm inside, he’d always loved gloomy weather that permitted staying inside buried under the covers with a good book. Dean played with his ring whilst he waited, watching the light catch on it, seeing his mother’s face smiling at him and feeling calmed by it. He was dragged away from his thoughts when he heard approaching footsteps, however.   
“Dean, I know you’re there,” it was Ellen that spoke.   
“No you don’t,” Dean replied, the nurse always managed to find him, it made him wander if there were cameras that he didn’t see in this place.   
“Really, then who’s hiding behind the couch?”   
“A ghost,”  
“We should call the Ghostbusters then,”  
“That’s just rude,” Dean replied, standing up, “I’m not haunting anyone,”  
“God, you look like a ghost, Dean,” Ellen gasped. It was true, Dean had paled and lost more and more weight, his cheeks had hollowed and the bags under his eyes had turned into dark rims.   
“It’s soup for dinner tonight, can I tempt you to come eat some?” Ellen asked.   
“What type is it?”  
“Potato and leek,”  
“Only because it’s my favourite,” Dean conceded, following Ellen to the cafeteria, which had emptied by now. Dean retrieved a bowl of soup and sat hunched over it, he took a few sips and instantly felt like he was going to vomit, he opted to nibble on a bread roll instead. All the while Ellen was watching him, making sure that he at least got something into his stomach. He discarded his plates and sat in the common room until Meg came with his medication.   
“Have you eaten?” Meg asked as Dean downed his pills.  
“I have,” Dean confirmed.  
“Do I have to check with Ellen?”  
“You can, she was there the whole time,”  
“Good, go get some sleep, Dean, your visitor will be here in the morning,” Meg advised. 

Dean did as she bid, sleeping heavily because of the medication and waking up sluggish and disorientated. This wasn’t strange for him, he always felt like he only slept for a second and it was strange to be in a dark room one minute and having light shining in the next. Dean showered, shaved and dressed before going straight to the visitor’s centre, expecting to find Bobby there but he wasn’t to be seen, instead there was a tall man with long hair and long features waiting for him.   
“Sonny?” Dean breathed.  
“Hey, D-Dawg,” the taller man greeted, pulling Dean into a hug.   
“What are you doing here?” Dean asked after he’d pulled away.  
“I came to see you,” Sonny replied, “why else would I be here,”  
“How did you know I was here?”  
“I keep tabs on the boys that come through my place,”   
“Bobby told you,”  
“I reached out and he told me this is where I’d find you. He sends his regards by the way,”  
“I haven’t seen you since I was sixteen, why now?” Dean wandered, sitting at a table.   
“Why not now?” Sonny responded, joining Dean.   
“It’s just, you’re the last person I expected, why aren’t you on the farm?”  
“The home can wait, Dean,”  
“I guess you’re gonna use me an example to the boys that come to you, ‘Don’t kill your pops, kids, or you’ll end up like Dean, in a nut house,’”  
“That’s just morbid, Dean, I wouldn’t do that, I’m here as a friend,”  
“I guess you heard what happened to Sam,”  
“I did, real tragic that, he seem like a sweet kid,”   
“He was,”  
“How are you going, Dean?”  
“Oh, you know, I’m getting by,”  
“You look terrible, aren’t they feeding you here?”  
“I’m fine, Sonny,”  
“I can tell you’re hurting, Dean,”   
“I’ve been hurting my whole life, why stop now?”  
“True but you’ll die a bitter man if you keep going like this,”  
“I can’t, Sonny,” Dean looked away sadly, “people don’t change,”  
“You did, for about two months when you were sixteen, but then you went back to your father,”  
“I had to, I had to think about Sammy,”  
“You know I would have taken him in as well,”  
“That option wasn’t given to us,”  
“And I’m sorry it wasn’t, you were doing really well at my place,”  
“I know, but we can’t change the past,”   
“I hear you’re a mechanic now,” Sonny smiled, strategically changing the subject.  
“Yeah, I dropped out of school the same year I left you and went to work for Bobby,”  
“I remember you wanting to be a rock star,”  
“That was a childish dream,”  
“Do you still play guitar?”  
“Not for a long time, how is Robin going by the way?”  
“She’s good, working at the diner, still teaching lessons,”  
“I guess some things never do change,”  
“At least you got out, she didn’t,”  
“I got away, I never really did out,”  
“What happened to you, Dean, you used to be so boisterous, now you’re just docile?”  
“That’s insulting,”  
“It’s the truth,”  
“Did you come here to make me feel worse about my situation?”  
“I came here to remind you that you’re a good man, Dean, you’ve been hurt and broken down but you can get back up, you will get back up,”  
“Thank you, Sonny, I’m lacking in the confidence sector right now, so that really does help,”  
“Just remember that I’m proud of you, Dean, I can’t wait to see you at your best self again,”  
“Same here, Sonny,” Dean smiled half-heartedly. Dean and Sonny talked idly for a little while longer, Dean enjoyed his company and really benefited from seeing him but soon grew tired.   
“I’m sorry to cut this short, Sonny, but I have to go,” Dean eventually said.   
“Sure thing, Dean, let me know when you’re discharged,” Sonny replied, smiling a little, shaking Dean’s hand.   
“Will do, I might even come out the farm and teach the boys a thing or two,” Dean said, hugging Sonny.  
“I’d like that,” the taller man replied, patting Dean on the back, “I’ll see you round, Dean,”  
“Bye, Sonny,” Dean smiled broadly and watched the other leave, feeling good about how the day had started. He went to his room and napped, gladly looking back on the two months he’d spent at Sonny’s Home for Boys after he’d run away from home. 

Dean was summoned to Doctor Crowley’s office after lunch, which he conveniently skipped because he was asleep, to attend his daily session with the man. Dean sat in his usual seas in Doctor Crowley’s office and was surprised to find that Doctor Shurley was occupying the one next to him. They didn’t say anything to each other, just waited for Doctor Crowley to start talking.  
“Afternoon, Dean,” the older man started.  
“Crowley,” Dean nodded.   
“Before we get started today, Chuck here has something he wants to talk to us about,” Doctor Crowley gestured to Doctor Shurley, saying that the floor was his.   
“I think it’s time to lift the proximity restriction between you and Cas,” Doctor Shurley stated calmly, “you have managed to rein in your behaviour and so has he, so I’m willing to allow the two of you to resume your relationship,”  
“You’re kidding?” Dean huffed a laugh and looked from Chuck to Crowley and back again.   
“He’s not, Dean, we’ve agreed that it’s time, as long as you two keep it strictly PG, Doctor Shurley is comfortable with lifting the restriction,”  
“Just in time for Christmas,” Dean smiled, “thank you, Chuck,”  
“Well, you’ve proven that you’ve worked past your issues,” Doctor Shurley replied, having said what he came to say, he left at that.   
“This is turning out to be a really good day,” Dean said when he heard the door shut.   
“That’s good, Dean. I heard you had a visitor today,”  
“Yeah, most unexpected person, really. It was Sonny, this guy who ran a boys home that I was in for a while,”  
“I didn’t know you were put in a boys home,”  
“I ran away once and was caught stealing, the judge was out of town so Sonny took me in, Dad thought I was in jail so he left me there for two months until coming and getting me,”  
“And you willingly left?”  
“I had to, Dad still had Sam,”  
“I assume Sonny treated you well,”  
“He really did, kept me on the straight and narrow, leaving was probably the worst decision I’ve ever made,”  
“You wanted to protect your brother,”  
“Yeah,”   
“Alright, well, shall we pick up where we left of last time?”  
“Are we still doing that repressed emotion bullshit?”  
“Yes,”  
“Fine,” Dean huffed, settling himself into the chair, trying to relax.  
“Dean, you have a rather unhealthy way of releasing, and showing, your emotions,”  
“I know, let’s just get this over with,” Dean snapped, Doctor Crowley just raised an eyebrow at his patient and gave him a scolding glare, “sorry, yes, I know this helps, I just hate it,”   
“I know it can suck, but I have seen a real change in you since we started working on what you’ve repressed,”  
“Okay,” Dean took a deep breath, “let’s continue,”  
“We were working on guilt, so let’s move on to loss, more specifically, the loss of your brother,” Doctor Crowley stated, picking up on Dean’s sudden tension, they’d been working through Dean’s guilt over his brother’s death and now he was trying to get his patient to allow himself to grieve, knowing that he hadn’t taken to the process very well and had avoided it.  
“He’s dead, I know that,” Dean swallowed.  
“But have you accepted it, you’re still trying to protect him?”  
“I’m trying to repent for not being able to protect him,”  
“There, that’s what you need to let go of. You know that you aren’t to blame, yet you are still trying to make up for something,”  
“He wanted to be a lawyer,” Dean announced randomly.  
“Dean, stay focused, I want you to accept the loss instead of dwelling on it,”  
“I’m trying, Crowley, there were just so many things that he never got to do. I can’t help but thinking about the life he would have had,”  
“And that’s what’s keeping you from moving on, you are giving him life even though he’s been dead for years,”  
“I can’t even remember what he looks like,”  
“Looked, Dean, what he looked like,” Doctor Crowley corrected.  
“I can’t even remember what he looked like,” Dean repeated, making the correction.   
“That’s totally normal, Dean, you shouldn’t feel bad about that,”  
“I can’t just forget him,”  
“And I don’t expect you to, but you can’t go on keeping him alive in your mind,”  
“I have to, Doc, he was my baby brother. I pulled him out of the fire that killed our mother, I stitched him up when he needed to be put back together, I was responsible for him,”  
“Was, Dean, was,” Doctor Crowley stated, he’d figured that Dean needed to be constantly moderated and assured, he often needed to repeat things to cement the ideas in Dean’s head. The younger man could handle what the doctor was trying to get him to do, but he needed to be repeatedly supported and nudged, he needed constant reminders that he didn’t need to fight this. 

Dean shook slightly, he was fighting to let go of Sam, to let him rest in his mind but he was only just getting over his guilt and the process was taxing.  
“He’s dead,” Dean stated, more for himself than anything else.   
“Yes,” Doctor Crowley responded.  
“He committed suicide, and I’m not to blame,”   
“Correct,” the doctor nodded, if Dean was willing to fight his inner conflicts, then he was willing to be patient with him. Dean brought the image of what he remembered Sam looked like to his mind and buried him, he relaxed a little and imagined what was left of Sam at rest. He would never forget his brother but he let him go, finally moving past his untimely death.   
“How you going over there?” Doctor Crowley asked after Dean was silent for a while.  
“Good, I think I might have just managed it,” Dean replied.   
“Keep working on it, your mind is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets,” the doctor said easily, he’d said it to Dean half a hundred times by now. Dean nodded and took a deep breath, suddenly feeling a weight lifting off his chest.  
“This is getting hard,” Dean admitted, he knew that he needed to warn Doctor Crowley when he was getting near the end of his rope. Most of the time the doctor would push on but today he decided to back off, noticing how exhausted Dean had become.   
“When it gets hard, you know you’re on your way to getting out,” Doctor Crowley offered, “how’s the anger management going?”  
“I know I haven’t acted up in a while, and that’s because I’m actually controlling the anger instead of letting it control me, but I don’t have another outlet for it. I don’t know, I just feel it bubbling and soon I’m going to boil over and explode,” Dean answered.   
“You worked on cars before you were in here, correct?”  
“Yeah, and was really good at it,”  
“Do you think that it could be a suitable pressure valve for your anger?”  
“Maybe, probably not, I did it to keep my hands busy and mind distracted. I wouldn’t say it calmed me down but working on cars gave me something to set my mind to, besides the last time I was around a car I destroyed it,”  
“Okay,” Doctor Crowley thought out loud, rubbing his temple, “you need to find a physical hobby,”  
“Nothing is working anymore,” Dean sighed in frustration, “Origami has lost its novelty, there’s nothing good to read and I’ve got a black thumb, so gardening is out,”  
“What about martial arts?”  
“There’s martial arts here?”  
“Technically, no, but we do have boxing equipment,”  
“Why are you only telling me this now?”  
“Well, apart from the fact that we needed to keep you as calm as possible until you’d figured out how to control your IED, our gymnasium facilities were being heavily renovated,”  
“And now you’re gonna let me get physically violent again?” Dean asked, a little confused as to what the doctor was getting at.  
“As long as you only take it out on a punching bag, yeah, I’m comfortable with allowing you to let of steam with boxing,”  
“I think that might just work,” Dean nodded.  
“It’ll involve control and discipline, we could work it into your therapy,” Doctor Crowley suggested,  
“Could we just keep it as something that I can do at my own speed?”  
“Of course,”  
“Then, yes, I’m willing to give it a try,”  
“Great, I’ll clear you for access to the gym,”  
“Awesome,” Dean grinned.  
“I’m glad we’re finding things that are working for you, Dean,”  
“It’s been hard won,” Dean conceded.  
“Well, how are you going with your medication?”  
“It’s good, everything has evened out I think, I’m still having trouble sleeping though, the nightmares are pretty persistent,”  
“I can increase the dosage,”   
“You’ve been doing that for the past six months, maybe something a little more potent is required,”  
“What, like the drugs we give insomniacs to keep them asleep?” Doctor Crowley mused, “sure, you won’t have any dreams,”  
“I think it’s pretty clear that I’ve been an insomniac for some time now,” Dean retorted.  
“Mild insomnia doesn’t need medicating, yours now does,”  
“Right, let’s get on it then,”  
“Okay, I’ll switch out the Rozerm for something stronger. When you want to use the gym, go out to the west wing of the ward, it’s at the very end, past all of the administration offices,”  
“Thanks,” Dean nodded, “is there anything else?”  
“We’re done for the day, I was glad to hear that you ate last night, so we’re even if you keep that up,”  
“Right, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Dean left after that, making his way to the west wing. He’d never actually been that far into the hospital, he’d never had cause to wander this far. He strode past a corridor of administration offices and found a large set of double steel doors, he walked through them into a large, wooden panelled, area. There was an observation station to the side and an equipment cupboard sitting at the far end. A couple of punching bags hung beside the cupboard, along with a rower and exercise bike. The rest of a gymnasium was set out as a basketball court. Dean approached the equipment cupboard and retrieved a set of gloves, he’d wrestled in high school and part of that training was boxing, so at least he had a vague notion of what he was doing.

Castiel always enjoyed his day trips out of the ward, he usually spent them with his sister but for that week he was allowed to frolic on his own. He went to all of the museums in town and even watched a couple of movies at the cinema, he was happy for most of it but always felt on edge. There was always the expectation that he might slip, he was gaining more and more confidence in himself, though, and in the fact that he could control his other personalities helped him a lot. When Castiel came back to the ward, he would meditate and reflect before going to see Doctor Shurley. His sessions weren’t getting more intense than idle conversation, there would be the odd problem that Castiel had over thought but Chuck would ease his worries and the pair would go back to what ever it was that they were talking about. Castiel was sitting in one of those conversations now, they were discussing the merits of the Star Wars prequels, which Castiel absolutely hates, when Doctor Shurley went quiet.   
“What’s up?” Castiel asked nonchalantly.  
“Two things,” Doctor Shurely started, pausing to think about how to best phrase his words, “I’ve lifted the proximity restriction on you and Dean,”  
“Chuck, that’s awesome, thank you,” Castiel beamed.  
“You two have certainly earnt it, I think, but it will be short lived. I’m going to authorise your discharge after New Year’s,”  
“What?” Castiel gasped, feeling is breath quicken and chest tighten.   
“Two, maybe three weeks, after we ring in the New Year, you’ll be discharged,”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes,” Doctor Shurley laughed, “you’re ready,”  
“But that’s sooner than you estimated,” Castiel stammered.   
“You’ve adjusted marvellously, so why delay it?” Doctor Shurley replied plainly.   
“I can’t believe it,”  
“You’re gonna have to,”  
“That’s amazing, Chuck, it’s a massive step but, wow,”  
“It’s a step you’re capable of taking,”  
“Christmas is truly a time for miracles,”  
“This is all on you, Cas,”  
“Yes, I guess it is,” Castiel smiled widely, hiding his nervousness brilliantly.  
“There’ll be a final evaluation on the day of your discharge but otherwise, I don’t think we really need to see each other until then,”  
“This is all very sudden,” Castiel huffed out, “I don’t know,” he trailed off and looked away.   
“You can’t shy away from this one, Cas,”  
“I know, I just, it’s a shock,”  
“One that you’re prepared for, it’s time you move on with your life, Castiel. You’re scared, yes, but you’re over reacting, you don’t need to be here any longer,” Doctor Shurley said bluntly, Castiel would have objected but he knew that the doctor was right and telling him exactly what he need to hear.   
“You’re right,” Castiel conceded, nodding slightly, “I need time to process though,”  
“Of course,” Doctor Shurley smiled and gestured to the door, indicating the end of the conversation.   
“Have a good Christmas, Chuck,” Castiel said before leaving. He leant against the nearest wall and slid to the floor, he was over the moon to be getting on with his life but the anxiety that accompanied it was almost crippling.   
‘This is good,’ Castiel told himself, again and again, thankful that there wasn’t a reply Emmanuel or Clarence. He missed the familiarity of having other people in his head but was over joyed that he’d managed to silence them. Castiel stayed where he was for a time, long enough to pull himself together and go in search of Dean, he needed the other man and didn’t want to delay any form of contact with him. 

Dean was seated in his room, he’d just come from the gym and had worn himself out with boxing. He was exhausted but it felt good to finally have something to vent his anger through, one of the orderlies that supervised the gym had given him an exercise regime which he was grateful for and utilised. Dean was calm but his mind had wandered to his brother again, the third anniversary of his death was approaching and Dean just knew that he’d have a hard time adhering to his new found peace of mind. He wasn’t allowed to dwell much longer, however, as there was a small tap at his door. Dean looked up and saw Castiel standing in the doorway, he sprang to his feet and smiled broadly.   
“You just going to stand there like the ugly girl at a prom?” Dean said, holding his arms open. Castiel leapt into Dean’s arms and attached himself to the other like a koala. Dean laughed and braced himself against Castiel’s weight, he sat on the bed and pressed his face into the crook of Castiel’s neck. They held each other for the longest time, not saying anything and barely moving. Dean found it surprising how easily Castiel fit into his lap, how well their bodies just seemed to slot together like pieces of a puzzle. Dean ran a hand down Castiel’s back and pulled him closer, if that was possible.   
“Fuck, you’ve gotten skinny,” Castiel commented, pressing his lips to Dean’s cheek, loving the feel if his stubble.  
“Not now, Cas,” Dean complained, “I just want to hold you,”  
“I know,” Castiel soothed, pecking kisses over Dean’s face, “it’s just a bit of a shock,”  
“Will you stop talking?” Dean said gruffly, pushing his hands up under Castiel’s shirt and dancing his fingers over his smooth, perfect, skin.   
“I’ve had a few too many shocks today,” Castiel said idly.  
“What do you mean?” Dean asked, pulling back slightly.   
“I mean,” Castiel paused the take a breath, “I’m being discharged mid next month,”  
“What? Cas, that’s awesome,” Dean beamed, internally jealous but genuinely pleased.  
“Chuck told me today, said that it shouldn’t be delayed,” Castiel explained.  
“Cas,” Dean smiled, stroking Castiel’s face, “that’s amazing, I’m so proud of you,”  
“You’re not upset?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow.   
“Jealous, insanely, upset, never,” Dean replied honestly, “but don’t worry, I’m over the moon that you’re getting back out there,”  
“Will you miss me?”   
“Of course I will, you dope,”   
“You won’t be totally rid of me, I’ll still have to come in for sessions with Chuck,”  
“At least I’ll have something to look forward to each week,” Dean hummed, moving to place wet, open mouthed, kisses down Castiel’s neck. Castiel sighed appreciatively at the attention but had to pull Dean up short.  
“Dean,” Castiel said, trying to get the other man do listen to him, “Dean, we need to talk,”  
“About what?” Dean groaned, pulling away. Castiel smiled softly and moved off Dean’s lap to sit beside him, he took Dean’s hand and stroked his knuckles with a thumb for a minute.   
“What are we?” Castiel asked cautiously.   
“We’re a couple, you giraffe,” Dean laughed nonchalantly, then the realisation and weight of what he had said dawned on him. He had just committed to Castiel, he had just admitted his feelings for the other man and was reeling from it. He looked away from Castiel as his gears started to work in overdrive. 

Dean wasn’t allowed to be loved, he shouldn’t be loved, people got hurt when they got near him, he got hurt when he grew close to people. There was a nagging feeling at the back of his head but for once he ignored it, for once he didn’t care. He loved Castiel and Castiel loved him, that was all that mattered.  
“Dean?” Castiel’s voice tore through Dean’s fog of doubt.  
“I love you,” Dean said with conviction, “nothing is going to change that,”  
“So, where do we go from here?”   
“Fuck, Cas, I have no idea,” Dean rolled his eyes slightly, “we keep going, I guess, keep figuring each other out, keep each other stable,”  
“Should we stay close, once we’re both back in the real world?”  
“Well, I this is my home town, I live here, if you wanted to go back to college we could figure something out,”  
“I’m not going back to college, I’ll live with my sister for a while but I think I’ll stay here,”  
“Okay, then we will be close, we can do normal couple things,”  
“We’re nowhere near a normal couple,”  
“I know that, but we can try,” Dean laughed, kissing Castiel on the cheek. Castiel leant into Dean, takin in his heat, feeling his uneven breathing. He slipped a hand under Dean’s shirt and stroked at his stomach and ribs, his fingers brushed over a few scars and he could feel Dean intake a breath sharply before easing into his touch. Dean turned his head to kiss along Castiel’s jaw, moving the other’s hand further up his chest and snaking an arm around his waist. All the worries of their world were gone in that moment, there was no thought or doubt, just blind and fevered groping. The sounds of soft moans and happy sighs filled the air, nothing compared to acting like a pair of love sick teenagers making out behind the bleachers. It didn’t take long for Dean to strip Castiel of his shirt just so he could suck mark across his perfectly smooth skin. Castiel moved Dean’s lips back to his own, kissing him deeply whilst palming at his crotch. Dean didn’t hesitate to remove his clothes, crawling back on top of Castiel eagerly, his eyes blown with desire. Castiel’s hands explored Dean’s body, every time he saw Dean’s skin unobstructed by clothing he found something new.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is here but life on the ward doesn't get any easier, Dean breaks down entirely, resulting in drastic consequences and Castiel tries to comfort his boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there again,
> 
> I'm sorry this update is a little later in the day, I'm at school 8am-5pm, five days a week so it's been crazy for me. That being said, I have managed to get a chapter ready for y'all.
> 
> I hope you enjoy what I have written and feel free to let me know what you think. I'm also a bit curious, what do you all want to see happening to our young love birds, I doubt I'll change what I have planned but I really wanna know some fan theories I guess.
> 
> Thanks a heap,
> 
> Love GG.

Settling back into a routine where Dean and Castiel had unlimited access to each other was easy enough, Castiel was hardly on the ward anymore and Dean spent his days boxing or doing origami. Dean had found a new type of peace in paper folding, he didn’t have to keep his hands busy anymore, he just had to keep his mind focused. After that night Dean and Castiel were practically attached at the hip, never wanting to leave the other’s side. Of course they kept their public displays of affection to a minimum but that didn’t dull the pleasure they took in being in each other’s company. This was their first real opportunity to talk to one another without feeling like they were treading on eggshells; Castiel would ramble on about certain periods of art and Dean would explain the mechanics of a four stroke engine. They spent days learning tiny little things about each other, slowly getting closer to becoming what they thought was a normal couple. Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t something he was allowed to have but he gave himself the luxury of ignoring it, he knew this was right and would continue to tell himself that until he was no longer haunted by his father, or his brother for that fact. 

Christmas day came quickly and the ward was consumed by the festivities, Dean didn’t remember how to celebrate the holiday properly but he knew that Castiel’s family took it seriously enough to go to church in the wee hours of the morning before going all nine yards with presents and a feast at midday. Dean couldn’t offer the same but he could give Castiel the company, he sat in the common room and waited for Castiel to join him after breakfast.  
“Merry Christmas,” Castiel said as he walked up to Dean, smiling a little.   
“Merry Christmas,” Dean replied, standing to hug Castiel tightly, “I couldn’t really get you anything, but I made this for you,” Dean said after releasing Castiel, handing him an origami bubble bee.  
“Thank you, Dean, I love it,” Castiel beamed, tucking the folded paper away safely before pecking Dean on the cheek, “I asked the cook to make pie with lunch today and she said she’d make her mum’s apple pie just because it’s Christmas,” Castiel revealed.   
“Did you do that for me?” Dean grinned, quirking an eyebrow.   
“I might have,” Castiel smirked, feeling just a bit satisfied with himself, “they’re showing A Christmas Carol soon, care to watch it with me?”  
“Sure,” Dean shrugged, leading Castiel by the hand over to the couch and settling in with the black haired man sitting between his legs and snuggled against his chest.   
“I love you,” Castiel whispered, looking up to kiss Dean on the chin.  
“Love you too,” Dean replied, speaking right up against Castiel’s ear. The pair relaxed and waited for the movie to start, this was Castiel’s second Christmas at the hospital and he explained that they played a couple of appropriately themed movies before serving a large lunch and allowing families to come visit for extended visiting hours as well as putting on some activities for said families to get involved in.   
“How come you’re not with your sister today?” Dean asked when A Christmas Carol was coming to an end.  
“She’s gone to stay with our parent’s, I’ll see her next week,” Castiel replied, he didn’t mind not seeing his family, he was perfectly happy to spend the day with Dean.   
“Okay,” Dean nodded, turning his attention to the next movie that was being played. He glanced around at the other patients that filled the room and for some reason there was a rare peace, most people were happy and relaxed and it helped ease Dean.  
“Is Bobby coming at all today?” Castiel ventured.  
“I wouldn’t think so,” Dean shook his head. The conversation died away, it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, just one that Dean would prefer to have.  
“Dean?” Castiel piped up after a while.   
“Yeah?” Dean replied groggily, he’d drifted off a bit.   
“What Christmas traditions do you have?”  
“I don’t really have any,” Dean answered, “my father never practised the holiday much but Sam and I would try and do the little things like having a tree and stupid gifts,”  
“If you could have any, what would they be?”  
“Why are you asking?” Dean asked, shifting to sitting up a little straighter.  
“I don’t know, I might want to start having some with you,”  
“Christmas traditions aren’t really my thing, Cas,” Dean admitted, “as long as I can spend the day with you, I’ll be happy,”  
“I’d like to include you in some of mine,” Castiel tried.   
“What are you thinking of?”  
“My siblings and I would go out and build snowmen before going to bed, but I haven’t been able to do to it since I go here, I’d really like to do it with you if I could,”   
“Isn’t that a family thing?” Dean asked, feeling little awkward that Castiel was willing to include him but the flattery of it soon won out.  
“And you’re welcome to be a part of it,” Castiel answered.   
“I’d like that, thank you, Castiel,” Dean smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Castiel’s lips.   
“Welcome, love,” Castiel replied, accepting the kiss eagerly.   
“Alright, that’s enough of that you two,” Meg piped up from behind the couch, “Dean, there’s a group of patients baking pie if you’d like to join them,” the nurse offered.   
“Sure,” Dean shrugged, lifting Castiel off of him. He knew that Meg was getting them to watch their proximity and that she was separating them so that there wasn’t a chance of them getting into too much trouble. Castiel gave a small wave to Dean as he walked towards the kitchen with Meg and went back to watching tv.

Dean loved the smell of the kitchen, it reminded him of the Christmases of his childhood. Usually the food served on the ward was made in bulk and lacked finesse but Dean assumed that this was the only time of the year that the kitchen staff went all out to prepare meals that calmed the patients through the holiday. As Meg had said, a large batch of pies were being made, the preparation had already been done but Dean didn’t mind that, he felt utterly relaxed as he rolled out balls of dough and assembled a couple of pies alongside a hand full of other patients. The process was bliss to Dean, it reminded him of his mother and didn’t dredge up any nasty thoughts, he smiled when fifteen pies were finally placed in the industrial ovens and stayed behind to help clean up. He was always taught to clean up his own messes and he intended to stick with that particular lesson, once the bench tops and dishes were clean it was time to eat so Dean wandered into the cafeteria and met up with Castiel who already had several plates piled high with meats, roast vegetables and various sauces and salads. Dean joined him with a gleeful smile on his face and snagged a stray piece of beef. Castiel raised an eyebrow at that but didn’t comment, just running his foot along Dean’s leg and grinning as he dug in. Dean eventually got up to get his own food, his portions were tiny but varied, he nibbled slowly and didn’t care for the sickening churning in his stomach. Dean had to pause after a while, he wanted to keep his food down and taking a few minutes to digest what he’d already eaten would help. He amused himself by watching Castiel, marvelling at how sharp his features were, how black his hair and how blue is eyes were. There wasn’t nothing Dean didn’t find unattractive about this man, not even his ability to annoy the hell out of Dean every now and then. 

Castiel caught Dean staring and smiled to himself, he could have those pretty greens bare holes in him all day long.  
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Castiel said between mouthfuls.  
“Would that I could,” Dean replied, turning his attention to what little remained of his meal, deciding not to finish it if he was going to down any pie.   
“I’m proud of you, Dean,” Castiel spoke softly, pointing to Dean’s plate.   
“I’m getting there,” Dean responded, “are you finished?”  
“Yeah,”  
“Time for pie then,” Dean announced as he collected their plates and made for the line that had already started to grow for dessert. He returned with two pieces of pie topped with generous servings of ice cream.   
“Did you make this one?” Castiel asked after Dean sat down again.   
“I don’t know, maybe,” Dean shrugged, pocking at the pastry.   
“I’m going to assume it’s one of yours anyway,”  
“If you want,” Dean grinned, taking a decent sized bite.   
“You seem happier than usual today,” Castiel pointed out, noticing the overly rare shine that blessed his features.   
“I feel happier than usual,” Dean answered.   
“That’s a good sign,”  
“Give it a few days,” Dean said melancholically.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“In a few days I’ll be back to being the screw up I am,”  
“Dean,” Castiel said forcefully, “stop, you’re happy now and that’s all that matters, stop thinking so much about what comes next,”  
“Sure,” Dean nodded, “I can do that,”  
“That’s all I ask,” Castiel took Dean’s hand and smiled softly at him. He wasn’t keen to let Dean sink into another depression any time soon, he knew that the anniversary of his brother’s death was only a few days away but all Castiel wanted was Dean to handle it in a healthy manner instead of his usual self-deprecating ways. 

Dean was never really good at the whole Christmas thing but at least he tried to make it a good day for Castiel, after lunch he dragged him out to the garden where a thin layer of snow had collected. He knew that they wouldn’t be allowed outside once it got dark and he wanted to fulfil at least one of Castiel’s traditions.   
“Knocked yourself out,” Dean smiled, handing Castiel a small carrot he’d snagged from the kitchen. Castiel gave a little squeal and jumped onto Dean, hugging him tightly as he pressed kisses onto his cheek.   
“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said softly, proceeding to make a small albeit pathetic snowman, he was quite proud with his creation and smiled brightly when he was finished and turned back to Dean.  
“It’s cute,” Dean said, wrapping a shivering Castiel back up in a hug.  
“Okay, tradition done, let’s go back inside,” Castiel said, the cold making its way to his bones.   
“Good idea,” Dean agreed, stamping his feet to get warm as they made their way back inside. Spending the rest of the day sharing lazy kisses and cheeky winks, neither had to worry about anything and they could just live and let be for a few more hours. After dinner, which Dean did not eat, Castiel invited him to join evening mass but Dean just raised an eyebrow and scoffed at the idea.   
“You’re religious, Cas?” Dean asked.   
“Not really, Emmanuel is-was, it’s just a habit that I observe my family’s religious practices,”  
“Interesting,” Dean nodded, “do you think we’ll be going to hell?”  
“Why would we?” this time is was Castiel who raised an eyebrow, wandering where this line of questioning was going.  
“Because we’re…you know,”  
“Gay?”  
“Yeah, there’s just something my father once said to me, something I’ll never forget, and I can’t help but think he might have been right,”  
“Whatever he said, it’s not worth thinking about, I don’t think God cares very much about our sexual activates just as long as we’re good people. Your father definitely wasn’t a good person but you are, Dean,”  
“Alright, thank you, Cas, I think I needed to hear that,” Dean smiled and leant down to peck Castiel on the lips, “you go be a good choir boy, I’m gonna head to bed,”   
“I’m too old to be a choir boy,” Castiel smirked, patting Dean on the arse as he walked away. 

 

oOo

 

Dean ate a piece of toast at breakfast a couple of days after Christmas and went straight to the gym, opting out of group therapy, Castiel had shrugged and said the he would meet him there later. By the time Dean had worked through the main chunk of his exercise Castiel had joined him, having changed into basketball shorts and a singlet.  
“I figured I’d go for a run,” Castiel said when Dean raised an eyebrow at what he was wearing.   
“Sure, I’m just about to do my cool down stretches,” Dean replied.   
“Will I enjoy the view?” Castiel asked cheekily, brushing past Dean to get to a treadmill.   
“I’ll try to make it a good one,” Dean winked as he sank into a simple position to stretch out his calves. Castiel laughed and cocked his head at Dean, smiling at how lean his body had become but still keeping in mind that that was only because Dean was starving himself. Castiel set himself an easy pace on the treadmill, glancing over at Dean every now and then, he enjoyed the exercise but liked seeing Dean in an environment he was comfortable in even more.  
“I’m gonna go shower and probably take a nap,” Dean announced when he was finished, he leant against the treadmill and watched Castiel, idly tapping the button to increase the speed.   
“Will you be at lunch?” Castiel asked, puffing slightly as he glared at Dean.   
“Probably not,” Dean shrugged.   
“Fine,” Castiel grunted, decreasing the speed back to a comfortable level, he stared ahead and didn’t notice Dean leaving. As much as Castiel admired Dean, this was the one thing that annoyed him the most about his lover. Of course he understood that there was something going on behind Dean’s walls that kept him from eating but he wished the other would just let him see behind said walls. Castiel didn’t mind how guarded Dean was, he really didn’t, he just worried about how capable he is to keeping people at arm’s length. Castiel caught himself thinking too much and had to stop the treadmill before he ran away with his thoughts. He climbed off and stretched himself out before settling on a mat to meditate for a while, he brought his focus back to himself and relaxed completely, feeling totally at ease for the first time in a long time. 

After Dean left Castiel, he took a quick shower, changed into a clean set of clothes and plonked himself onto his bed with a book he snagged from the library. Dean read until his eyelids became too heavy to keep open and slipped off into a light sleep. What he thought would be a quick nap turned into Dean falling asleep and sleeping right through the afternoon, naturally it wasn’t a peaceful sleep, his nightmares were still persistent but he’d gotten over screaming himself awake. Dean only woke up when he felt a hand shaking his shoulder, he rolled over and saw Cole standing over him, saying something about having to go eat.   
“Common, Deano, you weren’t at lunch. I don’t want to have to report you again,” Cole said, continuing to shake Dean until he was completely awake. The patient grudgingly sat up only to have Cole pull him to his feet and lead him to the cafeteria by his elbow. Dean sat and had a tray of food placed in front of him with strict orders to eat. He pretended to take an interest in his food when Cole gave him a poignant glare but avoided eating more than a nibble at a time. Castiel smiled when he saw Dean and approached with his own meal, he sat opposite and ate quietly whilst running a foot along Dean’s leg.  
“Are you finished?” Castiel asked Dean once he was done, moving to take Dean’s tray.  
“Yeah, thanks,” Dean looked up and smiled, standing with Castiel.  
“Not so fast there, Cas,” Cole swooped in quickly, “Dean needs to eat, more than he has just now anyway,” the orderly grabbed back Dean’s meal and placed it firmly in front of him. Dean stared threateningly at the orderly, who matched his expression.   
“I don’t need to do anything,” Dean growled.   
“I will keep you here all night if I have to, Deano,” Cole retorted.   
“No, you won’t,” Dean pressed. By now Castiel had backed off, watching what transpired, watching as Dean’s knuckles started to crack and as Cole called for assistance over his radio. Dean was seconds away from snapping and Castiel didn’t want to get in his way.   
“We can always force feed you if you don’t,” Cole threatened.  
“I’d like to see you fucking try!” Dean yelled, swiping the tray off the table, sending it across the floor.   
“Alright, just calm down, Dean,” Cole held out his hands defensively, he was trying to defuse the bomb that was this patient. Dean slammed his fists into the table and leant heavily on them, his whole body shaking.   
“I really wish people would stop saying that to me,” Dean seethed. 

Castiel soon grew tired of watching Dean’s tantrum, he knew full well that his boyfriend could control himself and really didn’t want to stick around to watch Dean sink in the anger that used to come so easy to him. Castiel tried to creep away but Dean spotted him and he only got angrier.  
“Don’t you fucking walk out on me again, Castiel,” Dean yelled.  
“Don’t you dare yell at me,” Castiel spat, turning around and staring Dean down.   
“I will do what I please, boy,” Dean snarled, moving to crowd over Castiel with a raised fist. Dean was going to hit the black haired man, that’s what the malicious voice in his head was telling him to do but something stopped him short. Dean saw Castiel in the workshop, saw his fantasy of them happy. He was frozen for a second before the realisation of what was happening washed over him, he felt his chest become unbearably heavy and couldn’t hold himself up. Dean collapsed into Castiel as sobs started to rake his body, tears fell freely and he couldn’t help but sink to his knees and clutch at Castiel’s waist. Castiel had braced himself for the hit that never came and found his heart aching for Dean when the other fell against him. He ran his fingers through Dean’s hair and lowered himself to his knees, holding Dean close. 

Cole was relieved when Benny and another orderly arrived on the scene, what had just transpired confused him to no end but that was ninety percent of his job. Because Dean hadn’t actually attacked anyone they decided to refrain from using force, Benny and Cole had a quick conversation about how to approach Dean and decided that Benny should be the one to make contact with the patient. Dean was sobbing into Castiel’s shoulder, completely drained of energy and utterly guilt ridden. The orderlies watched on for a moment longer until Benny crouched beside the pair and gently separated them.   
“Give me a hand, we need to get him to the medical bay,” Benny said to Cole and the two lifted Dean up between them.   
“Common, Deano, you haven’t lost the use of your legs,” Cole grunted, trying to get Dean to support some of his own weight. The carried Dean away to the medical bay, where he was hooked up to an IV that fed him some nutrients, a more viable would have to be put in place soon, however, if Dean didn’t start to cooperate when it came to eating. Castiel followed at a distance and snuck into the room Dean was put in once he was left alone. He lay next to him on the bed, one leg dangling off the edge and an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Dean rested his head on Castiel’s chest, absently humming Hey Jude. Castiel stayed quiet, listening to Dean’s humming, enjoying the tune. As soon as it became clear that Dean wasn’t going to speak in the near future, Castiel sat up and kissed Dean on the cheek, leaving soundlessly, letting him rest. Dean continued to sing under his breath, he didn’t close his eye or think of sleeping, he just stared into nothing and thought of nothing. 

 

oOo

 

Castiel returned to visit Dean the next morning, finding Jo sitting with him, trying to get him to eat some yogurt but like a child, Dean ignored her. He clutched at his blankets and fiddled with the IV port in his hand.   
“Morning, Dean,” Castiel said, sitting in an empty chair.   
“Yes,” Dean responded, looking over at Castiel with an injured expression on his face.   
“What’s wrong?” Castiel sighed, he was a little frustrated with Dean’s sudden lack of impulse control but he was never this bad after one of his outbursts. Dean looked down at his hands and scrunched the blankets up before smoothing them out and balling the up again.   
“He’s not overly responsive this morning,” Jo said to Castiel.  
“I understand,” Castiel frowned, reaching over to touch Dean’s hand, which he clutched at. Castiel pressed a kiss to Dean’s knuckles and watched him intently.   
“Maybe you can get him to eat this,” Jo sat the yogurt on the table and left the room, needing to attend to other patients. Castiel picked up the tub and held it out for Dean.  
“Dean, can you have a mouthful for me?” Castiel spoke. Dean picked at his fingernails and shook his head, making a small sound that said he wasn’t going to touch the stuff.  
“I’ll stay as long as you want me to, I’m here, Dean,” Castiel said, placing the yogurt aside and reaching up to stroke Dean’s cheek. All Dean wanted to do was reach back to Castiel and apologise for everything, promising that he’ll try harder to get himself on the straight and narrow, but he couldn’t and he didn’t know why. 

For the first time in years, Dean was forced to sit still for a long period of time, and for the first time in months he was forced to think about his brother in more substantial ways than a passing thought when he woke up in the morning. He missed Sam but that feeling was amplified at that moment, his brother’s face was all that he saw. Dean tried to bury him like he had under Doctor Crowley’s close supervision but was as successful.   
“Can I tell you something?” Dean asked Castiel abruptly, filling the silence with his soft voice.   
“Of course,” Castiel nodded, watching Dean.   
“I remember when my mum was alive, she was my life. I remember what my dad was like, god, he loved her. When she died something changed in him and I’m just sorry Sam never got to see what things used to be like. I never got to say goodbye to her and I didn’t get to say goodbye to my brother,” Dean admitted shakily, avoiding eye contact with Castiel.   
“I’m sorry,” Castiel replied, he was sorry that this is how Dean’s life turn out but he really didn’t know what to say.   
“I’d give anything to see him again and I want my mum back,” Dean blinked tiredly, turning his head to Castiel but not looking at him, “I can’t stand this anymore,”  
“Where are you going with this?” Castiel asked desperately, feeling like he already knew the answer. Dean stayed silent, if he could feel anything at that moment it would be shame, profound shame. He’d always thought he would go out in a blaze of glory, at least he decided his end should be by his own hand.  
“Dean?” Castiel said after Dean didn’t respond.   
“I’m tired, Cas, I can’t keep fighting and I can’t wait around for the day that I’ll eventually turn into my father,” Dean breathed heavily.  
“I’ll do the fighting for you if I have to,” Castiel replied, on the verge of tears, “I’ll wait with you so can see that you will never become him,” he tried.   
“I’m a shell of a man,” Dean said, shaking his head and laying back against his pillows, “I need to stop fighting and being scared all of the time,”  
“Dean, please,” Castiel cried, gripping Dean’s forearm.  
“I can’t…I don’t…there’s no point left. I’m terrified that I’ll become my father, I’m terrified that I’ll hurt you again, I’m terrified of one thing or another and I can’t live like this anymore,” Dean said, chocking back the tears that threatened to show.

Castiel was unable to respond to that, he burst into tears when he saw how pained Dean looked. Dean pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them, he drew in a sharp breath and opened his mouth to say something but couldn’t get the words out.  
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Castiel whispered.  
“You’ll move on and find someone worthy of you,” Dean stated, glancing over at Castiel, “I just don’t have the strength to live anymore,”  
“You can’t love me that much if you really think leaving me will help,” Castiel said harshly, gaining a betrayed look from Dean but he didn’t care for it, he was pissed that Dean was even considering suicide, he was angry beyond words that this man preferred self termination over their relationship. Dean was only thinking of himself and what was easy for him, that was Dean though, that was what Castiel first found so endearing about him. Now it was just something that he found infuriating. Castiel sniffed, he closed his eyes and composed himself before leaving without another word. He needed to find Doctor Crowley and tell him what Dean was planning. Castiel practically ran to the doctor’s office and knocked hurriedly on the door, thankful that there wasn’t another patient in with him.   
“Castiel, what can I do for you?” Doctor Crowley asked when he laid eyes on the black haired man.  
“Dean want to die,” Castiel answered breathlessly.  
“Are you sure?” Doctor Crowley responded, standing from his desk.  
“He pretty much told me,” Castiel nodded.  
“Okay, I think it’s time for more drastic measures,” Doctor Crowley sighed.  
“What?”  
“You should go back to your room,” Doctor Crowley advised, gesturing for Castiel to leave. Castiel hesitated but left without question, lingering in the hallway as he watched Doctor Crowley rush towards the medical bay, a couple of nurses in tow. The doctor had been considering going ahead with this treatment soon after he’d gotten reports of Dean’s lack of eating and his sudden decline into a violent depression but this was what told him that his patient had reached the end of his rope. Doctor Crowley organised Dean’s first electroconvulsive therapy for that afternoon, regretting that it had come to this.


	15. Chapter 15

When the nurses came for Dean they were silent, they jabbed Dean with needles and refused to answer his questions or respond to his protests. No one told him what was going on when the orderlies came and restrained his hands, leading him to a large room with monitors, machines and a gurney positioned in the middle. The whole scene reminded Dean of some clichéd horror movie. He was a little relieved, however, when he saw Doctor Crowley standing to the side talking with Ellen. The nurse gave Dean a sympathetic look when she noticed him and moved away as he approached his doctor.  
“What the fuck is this?” Dean asked Doctor Crowley with a bored tone.   
“This is electroconvulsive therapy,” the doctor answered plainly, signalling for the orderlies to lift Dean up onto the gurney. They did so gently but firmly, strapping Dean down before he even had the chance to resist.  
“That the hell, Crowley?” Dean yelled, struggling as much as he could, “I said as a last resort,”  
“You’re regressing too much, Dean,” Doctor Crowley said, looking down at Dean, nodding for Ellen to place a guard in the patient’s mouth. Dean whipped his head to the side to avoid the mouth piece.  
“Don’t fucking do this,” Dean begged, terrified now that this therapy was actually taking place, “please, Crowley, don’t, I’ll try harder,”  
“Just relax, Dean, there’ll be a brief jolt, you’ll feel no pain,” the doctor said sternly as he held Dean’s head still so that the mouth guard could be put in place. He placed a couple of electrodes to Dean’s temples and stepped out of his peripheral vision. 

Doctor Crowley wasn’t overly fond of electroconvulsive therapy, the fear it created was enough of a deterrent for him to use it but Dean had signed the paper work and he no longer saw any other choice but to administer at least a small dose of it. Dean’s eyes grew large with fear, he writhed under his restraints, making pitiful noises that fell on deaf ears. He felt Ellen place a soothing hand on his arm and not a second later his whole body tensed, spasming against the electricity that ran through him. Dean felt no pain, just a dull buzzing in head, he couldn’t quite move past how quickly it was over. Dean just stared at the ceiling and concentrated on breathing, feeling his muscles relax and his joints unlock.   
“See? The movies are over dramatic,” Doctor Crowley said, removing the guard from Dean’s mouth.   
“I fucking hate you,” Dean drawled.  
“You won’t,” the doctor replied almost sadly.   
“I hate you,” Dean repeated, seething, he bucked as much as he could but instantly regretted it when a headache pressed at the back of his brain. The older man had simply nodded and walked away, leaving the nurses to deal with Dean because he wouldn’t be able to get more than a sentence out of him without some more recovery time. Dean didn’t have enough energy in him for rage, he laid prone until the restraints were removed and he was taken back to the medical bay. He sat on his bed, staring at the wall as he toyed with his ring. He tried not to think about how ashamed his mother would be of him if she was him like this, she would be so disappointed that this is what became of him. 

Dean didn’t notice the time passing, the sun had set and a tray of food was placed in front of him before he could even blink. Doctor Crowley came to check up on him then, having spent the remainder of his afternoon with his other patients. Doctor Crowley leant in the door way of Dean’s room and watched him warily as he played with the soup that he was given.   
“How are you feeling?” the doctor eventually asked.  
“Fuck you,” Dean growled.  
“Better, then?”  
“Castiel told you, didn’t he?”  
“He told me everything,” Doctor Crowley nodded, “you upset him, Dean, he was worried you’d find a way to go through with your suicide attempt,”  
“I probably would have,” Dean scowled, “now I can’t be bothered,”  
“Do you still want to, though?”  
“Yeah,”  
“Is it because you don’t see another way out?”  
“I’m sick of being so scared,”  
“You have nothing to be scared of here,”  
“Really?” Dean huffed out a laugh.  
“Really,” Doctor Crowley affirmed, “forget about everything else and focus on where you are, you are safe here. After tomorrow we’ll work on getting you out of that mindset, figure out what scares you and try to get you to face those fears,”  
“What’s tomorrow?”  
“I’ve decided that a second session is necessary,” Doctor Crowley answered, waiting for Dean to lash out and was utterly surprised when he didn’t. Dean accepted what his doctor said and decided to go with it, what more damage could be done anyway?  
“You should get some rest, Dean,”  
“They won’t let me sleep until I’ve eaten,” Dean stated.  
“Yes, we really do need to work on that more,” the older man said to himself, “can you take a bite of that bread, and then we’ll call it a night?” he compromised. Dean nodded hesitantly and tore a piece of bread for himself, eating it without chewing much.   
“Good, get some sleep,” Doctor Crowley soothed, glad to see that Dean settled back peacefully, leaving quietly when he was satisfied. Dean somehow managed to sleep well, there were no cold sweats or screaming himself awake, he felt strangely at ease only to be pulled out of the haze by the warmth of the rising sun. 

 

oOo

 

Castiel went to visit Dean after group therapy, unable to get away any earlier and only just managing to sneak to his room. Dean was being kept in safe confines at the very rear of the medical bay, Castiel knew this place well, he’d been there enough times. He hated this part of the hospital, it was overly clinical and the stark white walls hurt his eyes, the smell of disinfectant prominent. Castiel knocked on the wood of Dean’s door before stepping into the room.   
“Hey, Cas,” Dean said dryly when he saw the other man. Castiel nodded his greeting and sat down next to the bed.  
“How are you feeling, Dean?” Castiel asked softly.  
“Why’d you tell him?” Dean retorted, ignoring the question, looking straight at Castiel and giving him a scrutinising glare.  
“I knew you’d kill yourself because you’d already gotten the idea in your head, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you,” Castiel answered.   
“Well, you got what you wanted,” Dean said grimly, “you’ve now got a docile boyfriend who doesn’t care anymore,” Dean continued. Castiel swallowed at that, second guessing his choice to come, he was going to speak against what Dean had said but sighed and got up, making to leave.   
“Do you find it easier to always walk out on me?” Dean asked gruffly, desperation biting at his voice. He couldn’t stand to watch Castiel turn his back on him, “do you think it’s easy for me to watch you always walking away?”  
“No,” Castiel paused in the doorway, “but it’s definitely easier than sitting there listening to the shit you’re spewing,”  
“It’s better that you hear it instead of ignoring the problem,” Dean stated.   
“You take pushing someone you love away to the next level,” Castiel glared at Dean, hating how he was spitting on their relationship.   
“I told you this would happen, yet you persisted,” Dean said blandly, he didn’t quite know why he was being so harsh but there was no filter in his brain anymore.  
“I didn’t think you’d react like this, especially after how you reacted when I attempted suicide. I had every right to take my concern for you to Crowley,”  
“That’s a low shot, Cas,” Dean growled, stepping off his bed, “you didn’t have to tell Crowley, you could have stayed and talked me out of it yourself but instead you got scared and walked out on me like everyone else in my life,” Dean continued roughly.   
“You were beyond any help I could possibly give, Dean,” Castiel responded sharply, his voice rising, “I’m not a fucking shrink, you would have disregarded anything that I would have said anyway, like you so often do, so don’t you dare pin this back on me,” Castiel said, standing his ground. Dean took in what Castiel had said and a pained expression crossed his face.  
“Yes, you’re right,” Dean nodded, sitting heavily on the edge of the bed. 

The two let the dust settle for a while, silently forgiving each other, knowing that this was a sensitive time for both of them.  
“Do you hate me?” Castiel asked, taking a deep breath.  
“I couldn’t hate you,” Dean replied softly.  
“Right,” Castiel scoffed.  
“I’m not lying,” Dean spoke.  
“It’s a little hard to believe that, Dean, you were prepared to leave me because it all got a little too hard for you,”  
“I know,” Dean said, resigned to take whatever Castiel threw at him.  
“I can’t understand you at all, you say you love me but you hardly show it,”  
“That’s because I don’t know how,”  
“Don’t give me that shit,”  
“I’m in uncharted waters right now, Cas, not only do I have all the crap that’s going on in my head but I have you constantly breathing down my neck, begging for a normal relationship,”  
“Uncharted waters aren’t always unfriendly,”  
“I’ve got no idea what I’m doing, Cas, no idea what I’m supposed to do. I do want to be with you because you’re the greatest person I know but I’m confused as fuck,”  
“Do what you need to do, even if that means breaking up with me,”  
“Is that what you want?”  
“Lord, no,”  
“I don’t want to break up with you either, why would you suggest that?”  
“It was just an option, you seem to be a little overwhelmed,”  
“Of course I am but I’m willing to stick it out, to fight for it,”  
“If you’re so willing then why were you so determined to end your life yesterday?”  
“You of all people know what it’s like to hit an all-time low,”  
“Did Crowley have something to do with pulling you off the edge?”  
“Yeah, he gave me electro shock,” Dean said matter of factly.  
“What?” Castiel gasped, shock showing on his face.  
“Surely you knew that?”  
“No, I had no idea,”  
“Well, that’s what happened,”  
“Dean, I’m sorry,”  
“Yeah,” Dean stood and approached Castiel, who flinched away and grasped the edge of his chair. Dean noticed the reaction and back off, “fuck, it kills me when you flinch away from me,” Dean said, retreating to the other side of the room.   
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what you were doing,” Castiel took a few slow breaths and stood, stepping closer to Dean.   
“I wasn’t going to hurt you,” Dean stated, “now I’m afraid to even touch you,”  
“Dean, I’m sorry,” Castiel said again, feeling incredibly guilty for reacting the way he had.  
“No, it’s fine, I’m used to it,” Dean slumped into the corner of the room and hugged his knees, making himself as small as possible. Castiel squatted down in front of Dean, reaching out with a tentative hand.   
“I trust you,” Castiel said finally.  
“At least one of us does,” Dean breathed shakily.   
“I’m here, Dean, please don’t be scared, I don’t want you to live in fear anymore,”  
“I know,” Dean replied, taking Castiel’s hand lightly. 

The black haired man allowed a moment to pass before pulling Dean to his feet and guiding him to the bed.  
“Do you have another session of electro shock anytime soon?” Castiel asked, settling beside Dean.  
“Today, actually, they should be along soon to collect me,”  
“I’ll stay until then,”  
“Thanks,” Dean smiled, searching for Castiel’s hand, “I really do love you,”  
“I know,” Castiel replied, pecking Dean on the cheek. They sat patiently, like they were in a waiting room, leant against each other and silent. It was Ellen and Cole who came to collect Dean, the nursed pressed a needle into his arm and the orderly locked his hands in padded cuff. They allowed Castiel to stay with Dean, the blue eyed man gripped Dean’s hand as he was lead back to the room with monitors and machines. Dean heled tight onto Castiel as he was laid out on the gurney, he held tight as he was strapped down and as the electrodes were placed against his temples. Dean breathed heavily and readied himself, noting that Doctor Crowley was absent this time. Castiel kept his eyes on Dean, placing a comforting hand on his chest just before electricity was sent coursing through him, causing his body to tense and lock up painfully before relaxing instantly. Dean wasn’t as panicked as he was last time and he was glad to have Castiel with him, it certainly wasn’t easier that second time round though.   
“Fuck me,” Dean groaned when it was all over.  
“Gladly, when you’re not surrounded by nurses,” Castiel murmured.  
“Cheeky bastard,” Dean breathed, the buzzing in his head subsiding and the tingling in his limbs reducing. Castiel helped take Dean back to bed and returned to the chair beside him. There was a tray of food waiting for Dean, he happily ate the piece of pie that was there but ignored anything substantial.  
“Still keeping your distance?” Dean asked, noticing how warily Castiel was watching him.   
“Didn’t think you’d want me to get all cuddly too soon,” Castiel shrugged.  
“Right now that’s all I want, let me feel sorry for myself,” Dean replied, kicking his sheets away. Castiel smiled and climbed onto the bed, he put and arm around Dean and pressed himself against his body, tangling their legs together.   
“Is that better?” Castiel smirked.  
“Much,” Dean sighed, sinking in to rest his head on Castiel’s chest, he snuck a hand across his waist and playing with his hip bone. He shut his eyes against the lights and traced patterns over Castiel’s skin. 

Castiel exhaled slowly, enjoying the moment, he pressed a kiss to Dean’s forehead and pulled away just as Doctor Crowley walked in on them.  
“Should I come back?” Doctor Crowley coughed.  
“Your timing is impervious as usual, Crowley,” Dean sighed in annoyance.  
“I won’t bother you for long,” the doctor assured, “how are you feeling, Dean?”  
“Just dandy,” Dean said sarcastically, untangling himself from Castiel and sitting up straighter.   
“In comparison to how you felt yesterday?” Doctor Crowley rolled his eyes.  
“I feel pretty crap in general, Crowley,” Dean swung his legs off the bed and had his back to the two men, “my head hurts and I can’t stomach food, I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live, every little thing sets me off even though I’m calmer than ever. I feel like a walking contradiction,” Dean answered.   
“Okay, well the shock therapy obviously helped, you’ve had enough for now, I think. Now we just need to figure out a more specialised therapy regime,” Doctor Crowley concluded, pinching the bridge of his nose,”   
“When are you going to get around to confirming the IED diagnosis?” Dean asked, trying not to boil over.   
“Right now, I conferred with my colleague and he agrees with the diagnosis,” Doctor Crowley stated, letting the weight of what he’d said hang in the air before excusing himself.  
“It’s done now,” Dean stated, filling the silence, “I’m a step closer to being certifiably crazy,” he groaned, easing himself back into Castiel.  
“There’s no such thing,” Castiel murmured, hugging Dean.   
“You sure?”  
“Definitely,”  
“I’ll just have to trust you then,” Dean laughed a little, leaning in for a kiss, only to have Castiel lean away, wearing a sly grin on his face.   
“What?” Dean’s face turned stern, “don’t you want to kiss me?”  
“Of course I do, put more effort into it,” Castiel drawled.   
“Don’t test me,” Dean smirked and grabbed Castiel’s collar, forcing him closer, pulling a soft moan from Castiel’s lips.   
“Better,” Castiel hummed, grasping at the other man’s shirt. 

Dean shoved Castiel down and straddled his hips, he leant down and forced a kiss onto him.   
“There we go,” Dean said happily after Castiel let his tongue search his mouth.   
“Shut up,” Castiel muttered against Dean’s lips. Dean laughed and pressed his body into Castiel’s, running his hands through his hair.   
“I love you,” Castiel said, breaking away and gazing up at Dean.  
“Love you too,” Dean smiled fondly, “and I think it’s time I let you do something. I don’t want to be saddled with the memories of my father anymore,” Dean said as he removed his shirt, “you once said that you wanted to kiss all of them,” Dean continued, touching a few of his scars.   
“You sure?” Castiel looked up in surprised, reaching out to caress Dean’s face.  
“Yes,” Dean nodded, swallowing, “when I see them I want to think of you, not what he did to me,”  
“I’m so proud of you,” Castiel smiled softly, moving to kiss the scars closest to Dean’s collarbones, taking his time with each and every imperfection. The bigger the scar, the longer his tongue worked the skin. Dean sighed against Castiel’s kisses, he let the memories of every scar wash over him and let them go, finally moving on from his past.  
“God, that feels good,” Dean breathed, unable to look down.  
“Good,” Castiel paused, smiling into Dean’s ribs.  
“Don’t stop,” Dean whined.  
“You’re so needy,” Castiel teased before sucking a hickey just above the other man’s hip.  
“And you love it,” Dean grinned, guiding Castiel’s face back to his own, kissing him quickly and grinding into him. Castiel moaned at the movement and bit into Dean’s lip.  
“Are you staying the night?” Dean asked.  
“If you want me to, I’ll find a way to stay,”  
“Yes, I want you to stay,” Dean answered, pressing his head into the pillow, all of the energy gone from him.   
“Then I shall stay,”  
“You’re the best,”  
“I know,” Castiel smiled, stroking Dean’s jaw. Dean snuggled into the other man and closed his eyes, humming Hey Jude under his breath.

Castiel held Dean tight, not wanting to give him a chance to get away, he only relinquished his hold the next morning to stretch out his stiff limbs. Dean woke up when he felt Castiel wriggling around, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, he was feeling better but there was this pit in his stomach that he couldn’t shift.   
“Morning,” Castiel said softly, pressing lazy kissed over Dean’s face.  
“Hello,” Dean mumbled.  
“You doing okay?”  
“No, not really?” Dean admitted.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“A few things,” Dean brooded, rolling onto his back.  
“Babe,” Castiel sighed.  
“I love it when you call me that,” Dean said, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  
“Babe,” Castiel pouted, “tell me what’s bothering you,”  
“Well,” Dean chucked slightly before his expression turned serious, “I wanted to die, I want to die. I don’t know, I hit rock bottom and I’m still there but I don’t seem to care, the shock therapy is throwing me around so much that I don’t know which way is up anymore,” he explained.   
“I want to help you,” Castiel frowned, “I don’t like hearing that you still want to kill yourself but I’m still here, Dean, I’m here for you,”  
“I know you don’t like it but that’s how I feel,” Dean replied, searching for Castiel’s hand.   
“I will always be there for you, just remember that before you do anything extreme, okay?” Castiel said, kissing Dean’s knuckles.   
“I know, it’s just hard to believe sometimes, you’re always walking out when you find it hard to look at me,” Dean responded, almost sobbing.  
“I’m sorry,” Castiel offered.   
“Don’t be,”  
“Dean,”  
“I know it can’t be easy for you to see me when I look like a monster but I get it,”  
“You’re not wrong, Dean,” Castiel nodded slightly, “but I can, and do, look past it because I know you’re a good person, you’re loyal and kind and brilliant,”  
“You’ve matured,” Dean obversed, “but I’m anything but those things,”  
“No, I’ve just learnt enough to know that every has their problems and I’m in no position to say much,”  
“It would seem that I’m slowly getting worse whilst you’re rapidly getting better,” Dean smiled bitterly.   
“I’ve been in here longer, it’s to be expected, Dean,”  
“What, getting worse before you get better?”  
“I did, a lot of people do, some people come and go in a matter of days or weeks but then there’s people like us who need a little bit more help,”  
“I guess I can only go up from here,”  
“Yes, you can and you will,” Castiel affirmed, pulling Dean in close, “how did you sleep?”  
“Despicably,” Dean replied, “you?”  
“Well enough, your mumbling did wake me up a few times though,”  
“Sorry about that,” Dean scrubbed his face with a hand, “at least I’m not screaming my head off anymore,”  
“That’s one thing that’s improved about you,”  
“You should go get some breakfast,” Dean suggested, spying the on duty nurse making her way towards the room.  
“I’ll be back later if I can,” Castiel pecked Dean’s lips quickly before betting up and sneaking away. 

Dean was nibbling on a piece of toast when Doctor Crowley knocked on his door.  
“Hey, Doc,” Dean greeted.  
“You’re eating,” Doctor Crowley smiled.  
“Don’t get too excited,” Dean grumbled.  
“How are you feeling?”  
“Alright, I guess,”  
“You guess?” Doctor Crowley gestured for him to elaborate, “do I need to organise more shock therapy?”  
“Give me a break, Crowley, I’m clawing myself out of a hole right now,” Dean yelled, “I wanted to die not two days ago, so I guess, is all you’re gonna get,”  
“Okay, Jesus, is there anything specific I can do for you?”  
“Let me back in general population, I’m bored out of my mind here,”  
“No can do,”  
“Why not?” Dean complained.  
“For one thing, you’re on suicide watch and for another, your physical health is starting to worry is,”  
“What are you getting at, Crowley?”  
“Put simply, you’re getting too skinny, Dean,”  
“So what?”  
“I can’t let you out of the medical bay until you’ve reached a healthy weight again, I do have a duty of care towards you,”  
“Are you going to start force feeding me?” Dean asked darkly.  
“We can put you on a nasogastric tube, it’ll feed you what you need,”  
“And if I don’t consent to it?”  
“We’ll ask Bobby to give permission if you won’t,”  
“He’ll never agree to it,”  
“I think he will when I explain how dire the situation has gotten,”  
“Don’t ask him,” Dean pleaded thought gritted teeth.  
“Will you try to eat then?”  
“I can’t,” Dean shook his head, “I feel like I’m gonna be sick every time I do,”  
“What goes through your head when you eat?”  
“I don’t know, I put food in my mouth and my stomach protests,”  
“Okay,”  
“Okay,” Dean mimicked.  
“I’ll adjust your medication and see if that helps,”  
“No more meds, please, Crowley, the ones you’re giving me already throw me around enough,”  
“Then bite the bullet and eat what you’re given,” Doctor Crowley ordered. Dean shook his head and stood from the bed, he couldn’t keep going around this circle.   
“What’s the deal on the IED front?” Dean asked abruptly.  
“You’re deflecting,” the older man scolded.  
“For good reason, how am I going to get rid of it?”  
“You don’t, you manage it and learn ways to deal with it on a daily basis. You learn to control your anger levels, it’s definitely achievable but you need to put in the effort,”  
“You know full well I’m willing to put the effort in, I just don’t know how, I keep telling you this,” Dean sighed.  
“We’ll start by giving you milestones to work towards, small goals to get through,”  
“Alright, what milestones? I lost my v card a long time ago,”  
“Hilarious,” Doctor Crowley rolled his eyes, “first will be weight gain,”  
“Weight gain, huh?” Dean drew in a frustrated breath, “can’t I choose them myself?”  
“No, Pamela and I will set them and you will strive to achieve them,”  
“Do you enjoy outsourcing to Pamela?”  
“I don’t do cutesy talking and optimism, which is what you need,”  
“I don’t need to be handled like a china doll, Crowley,”  
“You’ve been man handled your entire life, I think it’s time for a softer touch. You need positive vibes and someone who can be delicate, that’s not really me, I just regret not seeing this sooner,”  
“I’m not a fucking child,” Dean snapped, “and I wish you people would stop treating me like one,”  
“Dean, for fuck’s sake, I’m not treating you like a child, I’m just saying that you need to be surrounded by things, it’ll help with your trust issues,”  
“You do treat me like a child!” Dean started to hell again, “you’re keeping me here against my will and your whole stance on getting me out of here is ‘medication and time’ which is pretty fucking vague,” his knuckles cracked and body tensed.   
“Dean, breath,” Doctor Crowley said calmly but sternly.  
“Don’t fucking tell me to breath,” Dean screamed, his arms twitched and chest tightened, the doctor stood where he was and waited, “I’ve been here close to six months and I’m still no better than the day I arrived,” Dean continued, stepping closer to Doctor Crowley.  
“It’s because of your bloody attitude,” the doctor said plainly.   
“My attitude?” Dean scoffed.  
“Yes, your attitude, you refuse to set goals for yourself and you fight me every step of the way,”  
“That’s because you haven’t given me any reason to, you’ve got nothing to hold against me,” Dean snarled.  
“Do it for Castiel, put in the extra effort for him, he’s done the same for you,” Doctor Crowley stated, Dean balked when he said that, his heart skipped a beat before going into hyper drive.

Dean needed to take the attention off of himself, the doctor was scrutinising him and he didn’t like how it made him feel like an insect in a jar.   
“I’m beginning to think that you’re not very good at your job,” Dean said insultingly, going straight onto the offensive.   
“No, you’re just making it fucking hard for me to do my job,”  
“You’ve said yourself that you’ve more difficult patients and yet I’m the one that makes it hard for you, why is that Doctor Crowley?” Dean asked in a tone so calm it was threatening.   
“I don’t know, but no other patient has ever made me feeling like I’m running around in fucking circles,” Doctor Crowley snarled, his own temper rising, no one had ever made him feel this frustrated, borderline hateful and all out furious.   
“You like a challenge, don’t you?” Dean moved away and slumped onto the bed, “you haven’t done anything to make me believe that this is worth my while,” Dean snarled, his face turning dark. 

Doctor Crowley snapped once Dean said that, he marched to his patient and took a hold of his collar, crowding him and holding his face close.   
“I can’t give you an instantaneous cure, Dean, that’s what you don’t seem to understand,” Doctor Crowley said so lowly that even Dean shivered, the doctor pulled Dean off the bed and threw him to the ground. Dean stumbled away and held his hand up defensively, Doctor Crowley was definitely stronger than he looked, he didn’t have much time to think, however, before the doctor punched Dean in the stomach. Dean coughed and tried to stand, but didn’t get very far, Doctor Crowley was gripping the back of his neck and holding him down.   
“Is this how your father held you when he beat you?” Doctor Crowley hissed into Dean’s ear, sending a kick into his ribs. Dean rolled into his hands and knees, he stared up at his doctor and pounced at him quickly, only to be caught with a fist to his jaw.   
“You always fought back didn’t you, fought back when he beat you?” Doctor Crowley continued, “but you weren’t strong enough,”  
“I was strong enough,” Dean cried, wiping blood from his split lip, “I am strong enough,”  
“Obviously not,” Doctor Crowley stated, punched Dean in the stomach again, “he controlled you like this for years, manipulated you to his will, made you pliant and obedient, maybe it’s time I do the same,”  
“Please, stop,” Dean whined, pulling himself away from the doctor, images of his father’s beatings flashing behind his eyes, every swing of his fist, every lash of his belt, all of it.   
“Look at you, Dean, behind that violent bravado of yours is a scared little boy with daddy issues miles long,” Doctor Crowley said, crowding over Dean, who was starting to cry freely, holding a hand up to shield himself from any further attacks. Doctor Crowley swiped Dean’s hand away and slapped him across his cheek, leaving an imprint of his hand.  
“Please,” Dean whimpered, “I didn’t do anything,”  
“Exactly my point, Dean, you haven’t done anything to help yourself,” Doctor Crowley slapped Dean again, the younger man swallowed after that, eyes cast down and trembling, he stayed as still as he possibly could, ready to take whatever Doctor Crowley was going to dish out to him.   
“Just don’t hurt Sam,” Dean said defiantly, seeing only his father standing over him, “it’s not his fault,”  
“No, it’s not,” Doctor Crowley said quietly, his temper calming and his cool disposition returning, he crouched down in front of Dean and placed a soothing hand on his patient’s shoulder, “it’s not yours either,”  
“Sammy didn’t deserve any of it,” Dean breathed, staring at Doctor Crowley like an injured animal.   
“Nor did you,” Doctor Crowley stated, causing Dean to crumble, he’d finally broken down to nothing and it was now Doctor Crowley’s job to build him back up. Dean was sobbing heavily by now, his whole body shaking, Doctor Crowley hadn’t really hurt him with his blows, apart from his split lip there was only a numb throbbing coursing through him.   
“Please, just don’t hurt me,” Dean pleaded, his vision so blurry that he truly believed his father had risen from the dead and was crouching before him.   
“I’m not going to hurt you, Dean, no one is going to hurt you, you are safe,” Doctor Crowley soothed, his tone like nectar in Dean’s ear.  
“Please,” Dean choked out, pulling away from Doctor Crowley, who responded by pulling Dean into a strong hug, not letting him escape from the embrace. Dean stopped fighting after a minute or so, his crying ceased soon after that, he went limp in Doctor Crowley’s arms, clutching at his jacket. The doctor was patient with Dean, waiting until he was calm enough to pull him to his feet and guide him to the bed. He called for a nurse, asking for a mild sedative, restraints and a nasogastric tube. The doctor knew that even if Dean was calm and pliant today, he wouldn’t be tomorrow.   
“Please, don’t put that thing in me,” Dean begged when he laid eyes on the nasogastric feeding kit.  
“We have to, Dean, you’ve left us with little choice,” Doctor Crowley stated, holding Dean down onto the bed by his shoulders. Dean was resigned by then, the strength gone from him, he lay prone whilst padded cuffs were wrapped around his wrists and he didn’t even notice the pick of the needle in his arm. Once he was safely asleep, Doctor Crowley assisted the staff in running the nasogastric tube up Dean’s nose and down his throat, allowing much needed nutrients to get to his stomach. He concluded that this was a breakthrough, an ugly and forced one, but progress had been made and Doctor Crowley hoped that maybe he’d broken through Dean’s well-built walls.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there all,
> 
> I am so sorry I missed two weeks of updates, I can't believe I let you all down in such a significant way. As I have warned you before, Uni just took over my life and I couldn't get anything up. Please accept this as my apology and I hope you haven't given up on me. I can say that this will be common but I'll try to get updates down to every fortnight. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. Please enjoy.
> 
> xxGG

Dean remembered waking up a few times before finally opening his eyes fully and taking in his surroundings with clarity, he panicked at the feeling of a tube running down his throat but couldn’t do anything about it as he was still restrained. He pulled and yanked against the cuffs around his wrists, grunting as he tried to get out of them. He looked around and saw that there were a few monitors next to his bed and leads running under his shirt, he tried to call out but his throat was too dry and tongue too thick in his mouth. Dean laid still and calmed himself, he was still on the ward which meant he was safe, no one was going to hurt him. Why then, did he feel an ache in his side and a sharp pain crossing his face? Dean thought back to the last thing he could remember and was able to piece it all together now, Doctor Crowley had forced him to show how scared he really was and in doing so, made him picture his father again, something he’d grown accustomed to not seeing. Dean took a deep breath and tugged at the cuffs absently, figuring out what his next step should be. He was tired and strung out, worn down and utterly emotionally destroyed.   
“Hey there, hon,” Ellen spoke from beside Dean, pulling him away from his thoughts.   
“Hey, Ellen,” Dean smiled weakly, his voice soft and hoarse. The nurse was replacing the bag feeding Dean, she placed a soothing hand on his shoulder as the smoothie like substance ran down the tube and into his stomach. He didn’t feel a thing aside from the persistent discomfort of having a length of plastic sit at the back of the throat.   
“How’re you going?” Ellen asked after a moment.   
“Just peachy,” Dean replied with a cough, god his mouth was dry.   
“Here, suck on these,” Elle said, pressing a few ice chips into Dean’s mouth. The moisture was such a relief on Dean’s tongue, he swallowed down the melted ice awkwardly and Ellen offered him more, which he accepted eagerly. Dean plundered Ellen’s store of ice chips and felt much better for it, all he wanted now was to just sit up.   
“Do ya reckon you could take these off?” Dean asked sweetly, flicking his eyes down to the restraints around his wrists.   
“Not yet, I’m afraid,” Ellen shook her head, “not until you get through another two of those,” the nurse said, pointing to the feeding bag.   
“Why not?” Dean complained.   
“Mainly for your own safety,” Ellen shrugged, “plus we want to make sure the tube stays in, you’ll be off it by the end of the day,” she explained.  
“Wait, how long have I been out?”  
“Just under a week, your body weight was so low that it was decided to keep you unconscious whilst you got back to a healthier weight,”  
“Fuck,”  
“You’re doing real good, Dean, everything looks good again,” Ellen said, looking over Dean’s chart.   
“Is Cas still here?”  
“Yes, but not for much longer,”   
“Okay, fine, I’ll ride this out,”  
“You really had us worried there, Dean, do you think you could start eating solid food again?”  
“Yeah, probably, I don’t really feel any different but it is nice having a full stomach,”  
“Why’d you stop eating in the first place?”  
“I don’t know,” Dean replied, shrugging as best he could, “I just felt sick every time I did,”  
“Alright, well, I hope you feel better,”  
“So do I,” Dean agreed.   
“You get some more rest, Dean, I’ll be back in a few hours,” Ellen said, patting Dean’s shoulder again and walking away, leaving Dean to slip back into an easy sleep. He wasn’t as disorientated as he’d thought he would be but gladly fell back in a dreamless oblivion. 

 

oOo

 

Castiel didn’t like the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when he was told he wasn’t allowed to visit Dean again, there was nothing more worrying for him than that, because he knew exactly what Dean was capable of and what he wasn’t above doing. So, half a hundred scenarios ran through his head as to why he was blocked from seeing Dean, the worst of them being that Dean might not want to see him. He set himself to focusing on transitioning out of the hospital, he forced himself to remember that his boyfriend was safe and in good hands, and most of all he forced himself to remain calm. He kept up his strength, eating and sleeping like nothing was wrong, but for a week there was that over hanging feeling that he was somehow abandoning Dean. Of course he knew that wasn’t the case, both he and Dean knew that, at least he hoped Dean knew that. He tried to talk with Hannah about it but she was under the impression that his relationship with Dean was one borne of obsession and desperation and that it need not continue once he was discharged. Castiel didn’t have the strength to form an argument or rebuttal, so he ignored her words and kept himself busy. He painted more and experimented with different art forms, he even entertained the idea of attending the local art school so that he might start teaching classes. All in all, Castiel was ready to go back to his life, he just prayed that Dean would be a part of it. 

Dean had slept most of the day, the last of the sedatives working their way out of his system and when he was finally alert he became agitated. The squirmed and tried to get comfortable, his body starting to protest against the restraints that held him place, he was able to sit up a little bit but that just caused his back to ache. He was about to start screaming his head off when Ellen returned with a kind smile on her face.   
“Ready to get up and about?” Ellen asked cheerfully, Dean had slept through his last two feeding bags and she was glad to get him moving.   
“Do you really have to ask?” Dean sighed, practically vibrating with a level of energy that he hadn’t felt in a while.   
“Alright, the tube has got to come out first, then we can get the cuffs off,” the nurse explained. Dean nodded and leant his head back slightly, allowing Ellen to ease the tube out through his nose.  
“God, that feels so weird,” Dean stated when the damned thing was out of him.   
“I know, let’s just hope that we don’t have to put it back in,” Ellen replied, the warning in her tone obvious. With the help of Anna, Ellen released Dean from his restraints, the pair helping him sit up and stretch out his limbs.   
“Anything sore?” Anna asked as she checked Dean’s reflexes.   
“Just a bit stiff,” Dean answered, standing on shaky legs.   
“Hold up there,” Ellen said hastily, making Dean sit back down, “just take it easy, we’re not in a rush here,”  
“C’mon, Ellen, let me get my own feet under me,” Dean complained, “I’m fine,”  
“You’ve been laid up for a week being force fed, you’re not fine until I say you are,” Ellen said bluntly. Dean grumbled but let the nurses check him over, it didn’t take them long to give him the thumbs up, Ellen even offered him a lolly pop for being so good. Dean rolled his eyes but accepted the treat.   
“Can I go yet?” Dean pestered.   
“You can, but from now on you’ll be escorted to meals and supervised, you need to eat what’s put in front of you. We won’t put you straight onto hard food but soon enough you can normally again,” Ellen explained.   
“Fair enough,” Dean responded, standing again and taking a moment to find his balance, “thanks Ellen, and Anna, always a pleasure,” he smiled at the women and marched off. With a full stomach and a renewed enthusiasm that could only come from being unconscious for a week, Dean made for Castiel’s room, figuring he’d be there trying to get some reading done. 

Castiel had long since returned his pile of books to the library but had managed to snag the latest Jack Reacher book before Lucifer or Gabriel got their hands on it. He knew that they were fans of Lee Child but they would spoil the story for him if they read it first. He sat hunched over the book, practically consuming it, when there was a light knock at the door. After pushing Dean from his mind, Castiel almost short circuited when he saw the tall, green eyed, man standing at his door. He was always a sight for sore eyes when he returned and Castiel would never get tired of how happy he felt when he looked at Dean. Dean swaggered into the room like no time had passed, plonking himself beside Castiel and pulling him into a lazy hug that ended up with them lying back and cuddling uncomfortably. Neither spoke but there was a lot of awkward smiles and sweet kisses, their hands wandering each other’s bodies, familiarising themselves.   
“I missed you,” Castiel said softly as he shifted into a more sensible position.   
“I didn’t even notice,” Dean replied sarcastically, grinning at Castiel’s surprised reaction, “I was a little tied up at the time and unconscious,” he clarified.   
“Sexy,” Castiel laughed, noticing Dean’s fuller frame but choosing not to mention it.   
“I probably would have missed you too,” Dean stated, curling into Castiel slightly so he could kiss over his neck.   
“Fuck, you have amazing lips,” Castiel murmured, enjoying the attention, realising just now how much he missed being physical with Dean.  
“You have amazing skin,” Dean responded, sucking a light mark at the base of Castiel’s neck.   
“I moisturise,” Castiel stated proudly.  
“With blood or milk?”  
“Only the purest goat’s milk shipped from the UK,”  
“It pays off,” Dean said, tracing his fingers over Castiel’s soft hip bones.   
“Dean,” Castiel gasped, the intimacy feeling like electricity.  
“It’s only been a week, Cas,” Dean chuckled, moving his hand across Castiel’s stomach.   
“It’s been a long week,” Castiel sighed, relaxing into Dean, who continued to brush his skin and kiss his neck for what felt like hours. From early on, Castiel had figured out that Dean was more comfortable with communicating affection through touch, so he didn’t expect the other man to talk too much and he was happy with that but with him leaving soon they would need to discuss where they were at as a couple.   
“You’re thinking too much,” Dean stated when he noticed how distracted Castiel was.   
“I’m thinking about what will happen when I leave,” Castiel confided.   
“Well, I continue my involuntary treatment and you go live your life,” Dean said matter of factly.   
“I mean, what will happen with us?”  
“We play it by ear, I guess,” Dean shrugged, “I’ll still love you but I don’t really expect you to wait for me,”  
“I’m going to wait for you,” Castiel said adamantly.  
“You could be waiting a long time,”  
“It doesn’t matter, you mine and I’m yours,”  
“In that case, we live with having a bit of a long distance relationship. You can still visit me and I’ll definitely be staying in town after I’m discharged,”  
“And what will happen when you get out?”  
“I don’t know, we do things that normal couples do. We can go to the movies and go on cute dinner dates, there’ll be no restrictions on us,”   
“I like the sound of that,”  
“It’ll be a change but I reckon we can handle it,”  
“So do I,”  
“Good then that’s settled, you shouldn’t worry so much about things,”   
“Where is this new hippy attitude coming from?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow to Dean.   
“A cocktail of medication, really,” Dean laughed.  
“I think it’s because you’re happier,”   
“It’s possible,” Dean replied, pulling Castiel in for a heated kiss. As he processed what Castiel had said, Dean found himself agreeing with him, he was happier, he was less angry and hadn’t felt the need to fight anyone or anything in a long time. That was when the thought of him seeing Doctor Crowley as his father crossed his mind and he had to force himself to remember that his father couldn’t hurt him anymore, he wouldn’t let his father hurt him again. 

Dean stayed with Castiel like that until Charlie came to fetch him for dinner, she knocked politely on the door and smiled brightly at the pair.   
“Hey, Dean,” Charlie beamed, “you’re looking a lot better,”  
“Thanks, Charlie,” Dean responded, climbing up off the bed, “I guess you’re here to take me to dinner,” he said with a smirk and a wink.   
“I kinda don’t bat for your team, bud, maybe we could just go as friends,” Charlie retorted.   
“I think that’d be best,” Dean nodded, “you coming, Cas?”  
“Of course,” Castiel answered, joining his boyfriend and the nurse out in the hallway. When they’d sat down, Dean had a bowl of soup and some steamed vegetables in front of him whilst Castiel got steak and roasted potatoes. Of course Dean drooled in envy but he didn’t think he would be able to stomach such a rich meal so he wasn’t fazed by it. Charlie opted to stay and supervise instead of risking Cole getting on Dean’s nerves, the nurse sat at a respectful distance and chatted with a couple other nurses. Dean pocked at his food and took a deep breath before slurping down a mouthful of buttery pumpkin soup, he did gag and his stomach did churn a little but he enjoyed eating and was confident that he’d be able to keep his meal down. It was the steamed vegetables that got Dean, he chewed on the soft peas and carrots for an overly long time and couldn’t really bring himself to swallow and he didn’t know why, he pondered on the fact that he might have some sort of eating disorder and his blanked out face must has tipped Castiel off.   
“You’re the one that’s thinking too much now,” Castiel said soothingly, running a foot up and down Dean’s leg. Dean just rolled his eyes and kept chewing, building himself up to swallow, which was surprisingly easy to do and he even found he’d missed the routine of it.   
“I did it,” Dean smiled proudly when he finally put his spoon down.   
“You did,” Castiel responded, giving Dean’s hand a quick squeeze, seeing Dean like this was refreshing, he had his glow back and the sparkle in his eyes shone brighter.   
“Hey, Cas,” Dean spoke up after a little bit.  
“Yeah?” Castiel answered.  
“Thank you for staying with me,” Dean said sincerely.   
“Thank you for letting me stay with you,” Castiel responded as he stared adoringly at Dean.   
“I really am going to miss you when you’re gone but I know you’re ready to get out.”  
“I’m gonna miss you too, you just gotta remember that I’ll be coming back to see Chuck twice a week, so we’ll still see each other and I’ll visit when that stops,” Castiel assured, knowing that Dean would probably stress out over the sudden change of not having him around all the time.   
“I can live with that,” Dean nodded.  
“You’re going to have to, Dean, but it’s not the end of world,”  
“I know, Castiel,” Dean snapped slightly.  
“I’m just making sure, you tend to obsess and I know you don’t like change.”  
“I’ll be fine, and if somethings wrong I’ll tell Pam or Crowley,” Dean promised.  
“Wow, you really have made progress,” Castiel said absently.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, eight months ago you would never have thought about going to either of them with a problem, or me for that matter.”  
“Okay, fine, you may have a point,” Dean conceded. Casitel smiled in achievement and collected their trays, whilst Dean checked in with Charlie he discarded their plates before going to meet Dean in the hallway. 

The pair walked hand in hand around the ward for a while before Dean wanted to head to bed, they kissed goodbye, Castiel figuring that his boyfriend needed a bit of space and didn’t want to push him. Dean went to his newly assigned single room that was positioned directly across from a nurse’s station and flopped onto the bed. That was when he let every thought and fear flood his mind; Castiel was leaving him, Crowley had betrayed him, Bobby had been in contact for weeks and now his chances of being discharged any time soon had probably dropped. He let it all consume him before he realised what he was doing, this was all backwards, Castiel wasn’t leaving him just this damned hospital, Crowley had finally gotten through to him and now he was back on track, Bobby was always busy but would always be there for Dean and he could still be discharged before next Christmas. Dean rolled onto his back and sighed, Castiel was right, he really did over think everything in a negative light. He set it all straight for himself and worked on his mindfulness techniques, there was a moment when he thought of Sam and didn’t push him away, just remembered that he was dead and he couldn’t do anything for him. Dean fell asleep with the weight of all his worries pressing on him, with that in mind he slept pretty well, he didn’t remember the single nightmare that he had and actually woke up naturally the next morning. Ellen was waiting for him to emerge from this room and smiled from where she leant against the bench of the nurse’s station.   
“Mornin’” Dean drawled, running a hand through his hair.   
“Hey, Dean, let’s get you to breakfast,” Ellen chirped, making sure that he walked in front of her. 

Dean thanked Ellen when they reached the cafeteria, the older nurse handing Dean off to Anna before returning to her post. Dean got really sloppy porridge for breakfast and sat with Gabriel as Castiel hadn’t arrived yet.   
“Hey, Dean,” Gabriel smiled, shoving syrup soaked pancakes into his mouth.   
“Hi, how’s the chicken hunt going?” Dean asked, knowing that Gabriel was humouring Balthazar about there being a chicken on the ward.   
“Balth has dropped the subject entirely,” Gabriel sighed in mock anguish, “his schizophrenia or paranoia or whatever he has, has backed off,”  
“You don’t really get mental illnesses, do you?” Dean questioned.   
“I’m here to kick a drug habit, I don’t need to know anything,” Gabriel retorted defensively.   
“You don’t come to a locked psych hospital to kick a drug habit,” Dean replied between mouthfuls of food.   
“I’m here to resolve some obsession issues,” Gabriel allowed.   
“Care to elaborate?”  
“Nope,”  
“Alright,” Dean shrugged, “but we’re stuck in here so-“  
“So you’re here if I need it?” Gabriel interrupted, rolling his eyes.  
“Look, that’s just a thing people say around here but I know it helped me a lot to open up than to push people away,” Dean stated, finishing his meal and leaving Gabriel to check in with Anna to show that he’d eaten it all. He wasn’t as compassionate or touchy feely as Castiel but at least he was trying to pass on the things he’d learned. Castiel saw Dean leave the cafeteria and followed him to the library, hugging him from behind and kissing his neck.  
“Morning, babe,” Castiel murmured.  
“Hey,” Dean laughed, turning in Castiel’s arms to pull him into a hug. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s chest and his heart lifted at how much he’d bulked up again, it wasn’t much but he was definitely on his way.   
“We’ve only got a few minutes, I have an appointment with Crowley,” Dean announced, kissing Castiel on the forehead.   
“Bummer, how do you feel about that?” Castiel replied.  
“It’s going to be awkward, he broke down every wall I had built the last time I saw him and now he knows where to press to get me talking,” Dean explained.   
“At least he knows how to get through to you,” Castiel pointed out, trying to get his boyfriend to see the bright side.  
“He had to beat me to figure it out,” Dean confided, flinching at the memory.   
“Jesus, Dean, have you reported him?” Castiel balked.   
“Of course not, Crowley has been good to me, and you for that matter,”   
“An awful lot of things get swept under the rug here,” Castiel grouched.   
“So? It’s been in our favour,”   
“I know, but beating a patient is kinda crossing the line,”  
“I’ve had worse, Cas, it’s fine,” Dean assured, stroking Castiel’s cheeks.  
“I know, I’m just concerned is all,” Castiel replied, leaning into Dean’s touch.   
“You don’t need to be,” Dean replied quietly, kissing Castiel’s forehead.  
“Do you want me to walk you to his office?”  
“Nah, I’ll be right,” Dean shrugged, giving Castiel’s lips a peck before heading upstairs. Like usual he was keeping things from Castiel, of course he was nervous and of course he was dreading seeing Doctor Crowley again, he’d left him totally vulnerable and second guessing whether or not he would actually be able to move on from his past. 

Dean sighed and pushed all of that to the side before swallowing and knocking hesitantly on Doctor Crowley’s door. The doctor called for him to enter and Dean nudged the door open, standing awkwardly in the doorway.  
“Sit down, Dean,” Doctor Crowley said firmly, he looked annoyed, maybe it was just stress but Dean was put more on edge by the tone of his doctor’s voice. Dean sat down in his usual seat and kept his gaze down, wringing his hands out.   
“I’m sorry for what happened the last time we saw each other, Dean,” Doctor Crowley said almost sincerely after a few minutes.   
“Why’d you do it?” Dean croaked in reply.   
“Hit you? Threaten you? Because I had no other choice, you insulted me and my treatment of you, not only that, you still refused to let yourself make progress in your treatment,”   
“Now you’re pinning the blame on me?”  
“No, not at all, what I did was unprofessional and I wouldn’t blame you if you lost all of your trust in me,”  
“Not all of it, but most,”  
“That’s to be expected,”  
“I haven’t reported you, though,”  
“I know, but why?”  
“Because you have kept me out of the max unit and turned a blind eye to me and Castiel,” Dean explained.  
“Right, tit for tat, huh?”  
“Something like that,”  
“I do want to talk about something you said, though,”  
“Yeah?”  
“You wanted to protect your brother, asked me not to hurt him. Did you think that I was your father?” Doctor Crowley asked plainly. Dean just stared at Doctor Crowley, grinding his teeth and running every possible answer through his head. He knew that the older man would be able to tell if he as lying but then again he should expect it.   
“I saw him, heard his voice,” Dean admitted lowly, unable to make eye contact with Doctor Crowley.   
“Do you still think he can hurt you?” the doctor asked, watching Dean closely.   
“I know he’s dead, Crowley, he can’t touch me,” Dean shot back.  
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,”  
“He can’t hurt me,” Dean repeated through a clenched jaw.   
“Do you really think that’s true if you’re still seeing him whenever you’re threatened?”  
“Leave it, Crowley,” Dean practically growled, staring his doctor down.  
“No, you’re still scared of him and what he can do to you,” Crowley stated firmly.   
“What’s the big problem? So what if I’m still scared of him?”  
“Because he’s dead, and like your brother, you need to let him go,”  
“I can’t let what he did to me go,”  
“You kinda have to, Dean, I don’t expect you to forgive him but you need to let go of the pain. You’re healthy now, you’re happier and now it’s time for you to let the scars fade,”  
“You’ve seen my scars, they are never going to fade,”  
“I meant the psychological ones, Dean, I doubt you’ll forget anything but moving on will help with you getting past seeing him all the time,”  
“Look, I’ve only just managed to move on from my brother, someone who I actually loved, it’s going to take more than ‘you need to let the scars fade,’ for this one,”  
“You’re being difficult again, Dean,”  
“Why are you so adamant on changing me?”  
“I’m not trying to change you but to get you to be more open,”  
“You’ve been trying that for eight months and have gotten real far but I think you need to back off on this one,”  
“Fine, different subject then, I want to test you for an eating disorder,”  
“No, I don’t have one, didn’t have one,”  
“You stopped eating,”  
“Not because I wanted to lose weight or anything, it was a stress reaction,”  
“It still happened, Dean, but I’m willing to leave it as long as there isn’t a repeat,”  
“Nothing’s ever been that easy before, why now?” Dean questioned, raising an eyebrow at his doctor.   
“Honestly, it’s possible that I might have been pushing recovery on you too much. You have come so far and yes, I’m going to back off because I know that you like to figure things out for yourself,”  
“Finally, you’re getting me, Crowley,” Dean exclaimed. 

Doctor Crowley chuckled slightly and turned to his notes momentarily, reading over his observations for a minute before turning his attention back to his patient.   
“Do you still feel guilty about your brother?” the older man asked without tact.   
“No, not really,” Dean replied dully, scratching his forehead.   
“So you no longer blame yourself for him committing suicide?” Doctor Crowley pressed.  
“I have accepted that what he did was his own choice, I was there for him as much as I could be but ultimately he made the choice, not me,” Dean replied sincerely.   
“That’s good, Dean, something that we’ve been working towards. I know you don’t like goals but this is a breakthrough,” the doctor watched Dean for a moment gauging his reaction and when he got an unimpressed glare he continued, “I have to submit a report to the judge presiding over your case next week to determine whether or not we change the status of your committal at this hospital,”  
“English Crowley,” Dean sighed, a strange feeling of hope rising in him, if this meant what he thought it meant then he had a reason to get slightly excited.  
“I mean, we may longer keep you here involuntarily, only of the judge signs off you could be discharged by the end of next month,” Doctor Crowley explained, looking to Dean with a small smile.   
“You’re kidding,” Dean exhaled, a grin splitting his face.  
“No, Dean, I think you can certainly move to outpatient treatment. I believe you’re no longer a danger to others or yourself, you can certainly do with a lot more support but keeping you here involuntarily isn’t necessary anymore,”  
“Fuck, Crowley, that’s awesome, I’m so ready to get out of here and get back to work and living and, Christ, I can eat what I want,” Dean rambled, giddy with the thought of being released.   
“Woah, hold up there,” Doctor Crowley held up his hands and laughed a little, “it’s still a long process, Dean, but I will be making the recommendation that you become a voluntary inpatient or even an outpatient,”  
“Okay, sure, I get that,” Dean nodded, taking a calming breath, his mind racing at the possibilities of finally living a healthy life with someone he loves. Wait, he actually wanted to have a life with Castiel, of course he did, he loved the other man and seriously didn’t want to let that go. Would Castiel feel the same way, though? Dean didn’t see why not but it was possible that the love of his life wouldn’t want him once he got a taste of the rest of the fish of the outside world. Dean reined himself in, bringing his thoughts back to the now and reminding himself that Castiel loved him and that he wouldn’t leave him. He forced the truth he knew to the front of his mind and let it settled; his brother is dead, his father can’t hurt him, Castiel loves him and he could do this. Dean looked to Crowley and smiled warmly, he sat a bit straighter and thought well of himself for the first time in a long time.   
“Could you call Bobby for me?” Dean asked, “I’d like to see him, as soon as he can get here would be great,”  
“Of course,” the older man nodded, making a note for himself, “and with that I think we might leave it there, unless there was anything else you wanted to talk about?”  
“Nothing that comes to mind,” Dean shook his head, standing from his seat.  
“I’m proud of how far you’ve come, Dean, calm suits you,” Doctor Crowley commented kindly, his expression unusually soft.   
“Thank you,” Dean replied softly, a warmth spreading through him again. God, he really was happy and he liked it so much more than whatever it was he was before being admitted. Dean left Doctor Crowley’s office with a smile and felt light for once, free of his worries and anxieties, only the hope of better fuelling him.

**Author's Note:**

> For old readers, I'm so sorry for deleting the story on you, it is back though with an added chapter to appease you. I did it because I tried to change the formatting as discussed in the comments feed to make my story easier to read but I have found that it is far too complicated and have decided to stick with the formatting that I am comfortable and familiar with. If anyone finds my story hard to read because of this, you are more than welcome to not read it as you are under no obligation to do so and I will not hold it against anyone who chooses as such. 
> 
> I do hope you stick with me and apologise for all of your lovely comments being deleted.


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